THE UNTITLED G. GARYTT POIRIER PROJECT

Dumb & Dumber - Soundtrack Series

2012-02-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

In my second installment of the soundtrack series, I'll be paying my respect to the Dumb & Dumber soundtrack. If you missed my first installment featuring the soundtrack of The Color Of Money, you can read it by clicking here.

Dumb & Dumber doesn't get the respect it deserves. The performances of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are breathtakingly hilarious and the script should be required reading in any screenwriting class (within 5 minutes, you know all of the characters and the basic plot of the film). Sit back for a moment and appreciate the awesomeness that the movie's soundtrack brings to the table.

Let's start at the beginning. I dare you to give me a more fun way to start off a movie than with Apache Indian's "Boom Shak A Lak". Watch and enjoy.

We all love montages. If you don't love a good montage, you are either A. lying or B. have never seen a Rocky film. Now that I'm inspired to write a whole piece on the greatest film montages of all time, let's enjoy a little Roy Orbison blanketed over a hilarious montage. You're welcome.

This following scene is able to be romantic and sweet while still maintaining the rude and immature humor that we all love. Pete Droge's "If You Don't Love Me (I'll Kill Myself)" brings the scene to the next level.

For the record, I am counting this impeccable musical performance as part of the soundtrack.

The following scene features two excellent uses of music. As our two protagonists are fighting, we listen to the somber "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" by the Crash Test Dummies. After they reunite with a high five fail, our spirits are lifted with Gigolo Aunts "Where I Find My Heaven" as we make our way into Aspen, Colorado.

I wish I could find the scene that accompanies "Crash" by the Primitives, but my search has come up fruitless. You can listen to the song by clicking here.

To end this piece, I leave you with most likely the most recognizable song from Dumb & Dumber. I'm talking about Deadeye Dick's "New Age Girl"

The Five Stages of Grief: The Super Bowl XLVI Edition

2012-02-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

I woke up this past Sunday morning with one thing on my mind: The Patriots have to win this game. I didn't care about chips, dip, commercials, halftime, company, fun, or anything else. My only focus was on the task at hand. This led to quite the Facebook comment war on Sunday afternoon:

I don't want to talk about the ~~disaster~~ game. I want to move forward. So let's do this.

STAGE 1: DENIAL AND ISOLATION
Once the final score came up, I turned off the television and pounded my 15th Coors Light in the past four hours. Food you ask? I was too nervous to worry about stuffing my face. Most of my guests who are die hard Patriots fans ran out the door as quickly as possible. The idea that misery loves company does not hold true in the world of sports. If your team loses the big game, you need to be alone to collect your thoughts.

Since I hosted the Super Bowl (against my better judgment), I had to keep it together. I had guests. Ugh. Why won't they just leave? I took a moment to go into my bedroom and ceremoniously changed out of my Tom Brady jersey. I folded it and put it the darkest part of my closet where it will be out of my sight until next season. In the same corner, I notice my Red Sox jersey (not folded but rather crumpled up into a ball) that reminds me of their pathetic demise this past year.

I decide to put on some music and play with the puppy named Batman who was visiting for the day. There may be an iPhone video of me somewhere in the universe of me drunkenly singing "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" while simultaneously dancing with the Poodle. I looked for anything to distract myself. Anything. That game didn't happen. The real game is tomorrow. This is all just a figment of my imagination.

STAGE 2: ANGER

The anger stage hit me at roughly 2 o'clock in the morning. I had passed out from the excessive alcohol consumption. I woke up in the middle of my bed. I looked to my left. I looked to my right. Instantly i just started kicking like an eight year old kid who got sent to his room without dinner. I kept seeing Wes Welker's dropped pass play over and over in my head like the Zapruder Film. Wes makes that catch 99 times out of 100. But he missed it when it counted.

I stood up and walked around. I walked up to the roof of my apartment complex and breathed in some ~~fresh~~ Los Angeles air for fifteen minutes before I went back down to bed and tried desperately to go back to sleep.

STAGE 3: BARGAINING

I woke up early on Monday. I took a long hot shower. I kept thinking to myself, "If only Welker made that catch." "If only Tom Brady didn't throw that interception." "If only we didn't start the game on a fucking safety." I began replaying the game in my head almost as if I felt I could go back and change it. When I quickly realized this was impossible I slipped right into:

STAGE 4: DEPRESSION

Tom Brady was one completion away from solidifying himself as the greatest quarterback in NFL history. There would be no argument. Now Brady has probably five more good seasons in him to save his legacy. The first five years of his career he was touted as "Mr. Clutch". He'd won three Super Bowl rings in his first four seasons as a starter. The last five years of his career have been filled with record breaking numbers (TD passes, passed Dan MArino in passing yards in a season, longest streak without an interception, blah blah blah, who the hell cares?). 2007: Undefeated Team looking to become immortal loses the Super Bowl. 2008: Tom Brady injures his knee in Week 1 keeping him sidelined all year. 2009: The fucking Ravens. 2010: The fucking Jets. 2011: A chance at redemption against the Giants is more like a re-run.

I'm sad. I'm sad that I care this much. I'm sad that for 21 straight weeks, I've believed this team (unlike most Giants fans who typically root for them after Week 15). I'm sad that everybody sees Tom Brady as an Ugg wearing, Supermodel banging, Hollywood hunk who cares more about his outfits than he does about winning. I wish the rest of the world could see the fire in his eyes like Boston sports fans do. This guy wants to win. Damn it, I want to see him win.

I'm sad because we were so close. I'm sad because 99% of the viewing public roots against us. in Super Bowl 36 in 2002, we were the under dogs. The good guys. We were the rough and tough team who wore Red, White, and Blue right after September 11th. We were the team who said "Blow me!" to the Super Bowl tradition of being introduced as individuals. We came out as a team. America rooted for us that day. Now, we are hated.

It comes with the territory of winning. Hell, that's why I hated the Yankees for so long, because they were that damn good it made me sick. The Patriots ARE that good... which leads me to:

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE

It happened. Time to move on. After Super Bowl 42, I hated Eli Manning. What a joke of a quarterback that scrappy little shit with that lucky catch by David Tyree. Super Bowl 46 proved that Eli has grown into his own. Ugh. I don't hate him as much this time. I don't hate Tom Coughlin as much this time. Brandon Jacobs should probably keep his mouth shut but oh well. They made the spectacular play they needed to to win. We didn't make a couple of routine catches. I'll be right back, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Listen, we've got five good years out of Tom Brady. Belichick isn't going anywhere. Bill O'Brien is going to Pedophile State University. Josh McDaniels is back as offensive coordinator. Goodbye Ochocinco! Hello Brandon Lloyd! We'll re-sign Welker. Gronk and Hernandez will only get better. Oh yeah, and we have two first round drafts picks and two second round draft picks to fill in the gaps of our awful secondary on defense. Things could be worse Patriots fans. We lost the big game. It hurts. But, ya know what? We ain't going anywhere anytime soon. Congratulations to the New York Giants and their fans (especially this one). We'll be back next year fighting to get into the Super Bowl. Brady will be hungrier than EVER because the clock is ticking on his career and legacy. In Belichick we trust. The hoodie will prevail.

The Color of Money - Soundtrack Series

2012-01-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

"You couldn't find big time if you had a road map." -Fast Eddie Felson

It is no secret that I am a huge fan of Martin Scorsese. However, one of his films that will likely go down as one of his most forgettable features one his best uses of music and camera work. The Color of Money has one of my favorite opening scenes in film history. It is filled with too cool for school dialogue and props to Marty for putting it all over Phil Collins' "One More Night."

Sidenote: One of my favorite quotes from the film: "Vincent, get in the car this is embarrassing. You're acting like some girl who just got felt up at the drive-in." -Fast Eddie Felson

Eric Clapton is known as one of the best guitar players of all time. Lucky for all of us, The Color of Money features on my favorite Clapton guitar riffs of all time.

"Werewolves of London" is an incredible son and it's aesomeness is only heightened by Scorsese's masterful use of the camera. It never sits still and instead drifts like a cloud. Thelma Schoonmaker's editing can't go unnoticed either.

The lesson you should take away from this is that even the most "forgettable" Scorsese films deserve to be seen once... ok twice... screw it, turn the surround sound up, rock out to the music, watch the camera work in amazement, and fall victim to the incredible performances.

HUGO - Review

2011-11-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I believe that Martin Scorsese is the greatest American filmmaker of the last half-century. Goodfellas is my all time favorite film. His filmography inspired me to study film and his enthusiasm for the medium keeps my heart beating for fresh and exciting cinema. Scorsese has spent his career uncovering the underground violence and grit of life and yet his latest film is showered in an unprecedented innocence filled with timeless wonder.

Hugo is Martin Scorsese's love letter to the early days of film and an ode to anybody who has ever dared to dream. Much like The Lumiere Brothers frightened audience with images never experienced before with Arrival of a Train at LaCiotat, Scorsese sets out to use the 3D to wow audiences all over again. Along with the incredible talent of Robert Richardson as Director of Photography, Scorsese uses his classic style of long tracking shots and dramatic angles while enhancing them beautifully with the third dimension. Each shot has purpose, depth, and beauty yet still maintains a Scorsese trademark. The opening shot gleefully whisks us through Paris, the train station, and ending on our protagonist Hugo in one continuous take. The shot is very reminiscent of his famous Copacabana shot in Goodfellas.

Hugo may seem like a drastic leap in genre for the director, but Scorsese now has made a film in every existing genre. Hugo comes across as Scorsese’s most personal film. As a child, he spent most of his days on the outside looking in. He suffered from asthma and thus escaped into the world of cinema where his dreams could become reality. Hugo also shows us early filmmakers and the films that inspired countless subsequent filmmakers. Scorsese is also able to gracefully incorporate into the film his support of film preservation and how important it is to save these works from being destroyed.

The movie’s characters are extremely Dickensian and its plot very mysterious. Ben Kingsley elicits an Ebenezer Scrooge persona just short of yelling “Bah Humbug!” Yet as we delve deeper into his character, we see a tortured soul in need of saving. Asa Butterfield and Chloe Grace Moretz have a virtuous chemistry filled with intrigue and a thirst for adventure that moves the story forward.

Scorsese elicits a masterful skill in handling the subplots and secondary characters that bring the train station to life. He tells many of these stories without use of dialogue and instead with the use of imagery along with Howard Shore's playful score. At times, it feels like you are watching a silent film in the vain of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton. Unlike previous Scorsese films that show us how despicable human beings can be, these narratives have an optimistic view showing us human tenderness and affection in a whimsical manner. Even the antagonistic Station Inspector played magnificently by Sacha Baron Cohen elicits compassion from the audience. Helen McCrory and Christopher Lee are also unforgettable in their short time on screen.

Hugo has its flaws. Much like a train leaving the station, the story takes a while to gain momentum, but once it is at full speed, you are overjoyed to be along for the ride. In Hugo, Martin Scorsese revitalized my curiosity and wonder for the beauty this world has to offer. Martin Scorsese’s newest masterpiece has taught me to how to dream again.

5 out of 5 stars.

The Descendants - Review

2011-11-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

Each year we wait for a movie that is simple in plot, honest with its characters and flawless in its execution. Look no further. Alexander Payne returns to the feature film world for the first time since his 2004 Oscar nominated film Sideways with The Descendants. He abandons California wine country and instead immerses us in the close-knit family culture of Hawaii. The result is a captivating and heartfelt look into some of the most vivid and entertaining characters I have seen at the cinema in quite some time.

The film gets off to a slow with exposition in the form of voiceover and forced dialogue. Make no mistake. The shortcomings of the film’s first act are greatly made up for by the ensuing minutes to come. The four characters with whom we embark on this emotional journey are picturesque. The movie could have gone on for six hours and I would have sat in the theatre asking for more.

Clooney is nothing short of spectacular. Alexander Payne has a particular skill in transforming movie stars into authentic characters (see: Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt). Clooney embodies the clueless father coping with the fact that his wife is not only dying but also carried on an affair behind his back. Where Clooney nails his performance is when he is faced with an internal ultimatum. Does he tell his kids about his wife’s impending death? Does he tell his father in law that his wife cheated on him? Does he confront the man who carried on the affair with his wife? His character is faced with so many decisions throughout the film and we are privy to each of them through the window Clooney’s eyes. He weighs the consequences of each decision he makes. We feel the emotional toll it takes on him. His constant struggle toys with our expectations and keeps us in a constant state of suspense. As an actor, these are the moments that take a written character from the page and bring it to life. Clooney’s performance adds an astounding depth to the character of Matt King that the dialogue in the film simply would not have done.

The casting of the supporting players is impeccable as well. Shailene Woodley has the perfect balance of sass and heart in how she plays Clooney’s troubled seventeen-year-old daughter. Amara Miller who plays the ten-year-old daughter manifests a character with the exquisite balance of innocence and goofiness that makes us yearn to protect her from the troubles of life. Nick Krause plays Sid, the utterly obnoxious friend of Clooney’s oldest daughter who will make you cringe and bust out laughing hysterically all at the same time. The chemistry that these four actors achieve is immaculate.

The Descendants is a movie about closure. Clooney wants to find closure for his marriage after finding out about his wife’s affair, his oldest daughter finding closure with her hatred for her mother’s infidelity, and the youngest daughter finding closure that life will indeed go on when her mother is gone. At times, the movie hits us with raw unrelenting human emotion and at times it makes us smile and laugh even with tragedy staring us dead in the eyes. The Descendants is one of the most realistic portrayals of humanity I have seen in years. It is a movie not to be missed because sometimes it takes a film to remind us that life is terrifying and remarkable all at the same time.

5 out of 5 stars.

Jerry Sandusky: The Plight of Society

2011-11-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

When I first read of the accusations against former Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky I passed it off as just another creep diddling kids. After a while, I have become numb to the whole world and the atrocities that are presented to us on a daily basis. I followed the story intrigued by the political blind eye mentality that the higher ups at Penn State had while handling this monstrosity. But still, the story had not enraged me or upset me... I merely apathetically shook my head left and right in disapproving amazement.

After Joe Paterno was (rightfully) fired, I saw that the entire 23 page indictment was available online. Did I want to read it? No. However, I felt obligated to. This man was being accused of the most heinous acts a trusted adult could commit against children. I felt instead of watching ESPN and CNN, I should get the information from the source. The grand jury findings, which you can find here, were repulsive to say the least. I found myself having to stand up and walk away from the document almost as if I were fleeing the scene of the crime. The acts did not seem as despicable as the process Sandusky used to find his victims. He did not attack these kids, but instead built a trust that he broke. I do not want to go into full detail of the victims' testimony (there are 8 victims listed in the indictment). If you have the stomach, I encourage you to read the findings of the grand jury and see exactly what Joe Paterno and others at Penn State swept underneath the rug of their beloved Nittany Lions.

I also read these findings and asked where the parents were during all of these encounters. I am fully aware that not every child is afforded the most involved parental supervision and most of the time their economic standing in the world is directly related to this fact. Because of this, Sandusky used his charity organization The Second Mile for troubled youth to find his victims. He gained the trust of the children and parents in order to fulfill his fantasies.

This made me think about my mother growing up. I spoke with her recently regarding the scandal. She said, "I didn't trust ANYBODY with my boys. I never let you sleep over uncles' houses. I didn't want you sleeping in the same beds as family members. You just never know." I distinctly remember this method of parenting from my mother when I was younger. My mother NEVER would have let me get in a car with a coach unattended. She NEVER would have allowed me to go see a football game with a coach. From my perspective as a kid, my mother was overly paranoid. From her perspective, she was just taking the necessary measures to make sure nothing questionable EVER happened between her sons and an adult.

On the other hand, I remember taking swimming lessons at the YMCA when I was six or seven years old. I am the youngest of three boys. There were two areas to change. The girls would change in one area where there were little booths with curtains to ensure privacy whereas the boys would change in a separate locker room that was all open with no privacy. My older brothers would change into their swim trunks in the boys locker room. I would complain to my mother asking why I had to change where all the girls were at. My mother wanted to make sure that she knew where I was at all times and to make sure no shenanigans were going down. I distinctly remember asking my father when I was younger why guys all got changed in the same room when girls didn't. He told me it really isn't that big of a deal and that's how guys are. Clearly, if my Dad was running the show, who knows what the hell would have happened. I'm not saying he was a bad father at all, I'm just saying he didn't have the same, "Trust no one!" mentality that my Mom had. Thankfully, my Mom was in charge.

I was never molested. I don't even have a story from my childhood that even remotely makes me think that something inappropriate was going on. I was close to several adults. When I enrolled in theatre at the age of 5, my mother entrusted me to adults for three hours a week. I became close with one of my directors, a man whom I'm still in contact with to this day and whom I credit with inspiring me to chase my dreams from a very young age. He was my director from the age of 5 until he moved to Las Vegas when I was roughly 10. He worked part-time as a projectionist at a local movie theatre. In 1995, Casper was coming out and he organized a screening for the kids he directed. There was parental supervision and roughly twenty kids attending. Barring an unprecedented underage orgy in the movie theatre, I think my mother felt pretty safe. Still, I remember my mother asking me key questions in the car at a very young age. "Are you two ever alone?" "Has he ever touched you in a weird way?" The answer was no. I see now as an adult that my mother just wanted to make sure her baby boy was safe and she was taking all precautions to ensure that.

What saddens me the most... scratch that. What pisses me off the most about this Jerry Sandusky scandal is the fact that there are people out in this world who are inspiring and mentoring children on a daily basis. These people do make an incredible difference in lives of children. Jerry Sandusky and the idiots over at Penn State have caused a breach of trust in our society that we may never be able to repair. There are still good people out there, however, these people don't "horse around" with boys in the shower. I was lucky. Some kids are not. That is the real tragedy of it all.

Take a look at this Bob Costas interview with Jerry Sandusky and tell me what you think:

The X Factor - Final 12: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2011-11-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

Let me begin this with a bit of a disclaimer. I am as cynical as a 25 year old dude can be. When it comes to music, you can consider me out of touch with the direction of modern music. Sure, I understand the appeal of Lady Gaga, but her album music doesn't impress me as much as this particular live performance she did on the Howard Stern Show.

This performance was raw with emotion and didn't need any fireworks or synthesizers or craziness. Instead, the song does what it's supposed to do. It moves you. Sure, the album version is fun if you're doped up on ecstasy at a club at 2am, but that's not typically my scene. My iPod is filled with people like Billy Joel, Meat Loaf, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and pretty much any song that has ever graced the soundtrack of a Martin Scorsese movie. I'd be lying if I said a song from Phantom of the Opera or Damn Yankees or some other Broadway show didn't pop up on my iPod periodically.

That being said, I tend to watch American Idol under protest. I record the two hours and thanks to the fast forward button, I try to rush through it quicker than a 12 year old boy having some "alone time" without the luxury of a lock on his bedroom door. My record is watching an entire two hour show in 14 minutes! I was skeptical about the X Factor when it premiered on Fox, but soon I was very impressed by the production value, judges, and talent. Last night was the second live show as the final 12 performed. Here are some high and low points.

The Good

Drew Ryniewicz
This girl is only 14 years old. Her voice is seismic. When she sings her songs, you don't hear it, but rather you feel it. Maybe it was the sub woofer on my surround sound system, but I felt it. Incredible song choice by Simon Cowell as he showed that Drew does not need to be sequestered in the folk, singer/songwriter world of music, but could easily mesh her way into the framework of hip hop and pop.

Josh Krajcik
Josh "holy shit" Krajcik. I have never watched a performance on any one of these talent competition shows and felt the need to rewind and re-watch someone perform a song. Well, there's a first time for everything. This dude nailed it.

Josh is not up there singing a song. He is not performing. He is just being. He embodies the song and he keeps you enthralled and engaged. This rendition of Jar of Hearts needs to be recorded. Give this dude a piano, guitar, bass, and drums because he's ready for the big time. His voice is filled with soul. He plays to the camera instead of just to the audience. The lack of finesse in his voice is what makes him so interesting to listen to because it feels so natural and effortless . Josh is my front runner in this competition. I just hope Nicole keeps giving him the right song to sing.

Melanie Amaro
Desperado is one of my favorite ballads of all time. The Eagles wrote a timeless song that is often imitated. When Melanie walked out on stage I rolled my eyes thinking this was going to be just another bastardized version of my beloved song. However, around one minute in, she kicks in with a different take and ends strong. It wasn't her strongest performance, but I still think she owned the second half of the song.

Astro
This kids performance speaks for itself. I wish he refrained from singing the "Ho Hey" part, but hell, this kid is crushing it.

THE BAD

Lakoda Rayne
Landslide is a timeless song. Nothing will ever quite live up to Stevie Nicks.

However, the Dixie Chicks' rendition of Landslide is just as moving and masterfully performed.

However, last night. I saw four hot chicks take any meaning and emotion out of that song. I blame Paula. Yeah Paula Abdul. I blame you.

The dresses were horrible. Having each one represent a season (Fall, Winter, Summer, Spring) was corny as hell. Fans blowing their hair back? Are we serious here? Firstly, these girls are too young to have any kind of connection to this song. They have no idea what they are singing about. It is the equivalent of having Justin Bieber singing Frank Sinatra's "My Way". The soloists voices crumbled because the verses were below their singing range. As much as I find the brunette incredibly attractive, I just find them borderline unwatchable to sing. I may be prejudice against the groups category though...

Intensity
10 kids put together to start a super group. The experiment is over people. Let thee kids go. In my opinion, to be a successful musician/singer you must have at least one of two criteria. SOUL or SWAGGER. These kids have neither. There are several contestants on this show who have soul. You hear it in their voices as they connect and sing. You feel their performances instead of watch them. Others like Astro and Rachel Crow possess swagger. This swagger allows them to jump onstage and captivate the audience in a completely different manner, but it is still effective nonetheless. Let Intensity go. They make me want to bash my head against the wall.

THE UGLY

No, I'm not saying that the host of X Factor Steve Jones is ugly. I can understand why women are attracted to this guy. He seems nice enough, he's handsome, he has a British accent. However, not since Richard Nixon in the 1960 Presidential Election have I seen a guy suck the energy out of the room quite like Steve Jones. He is awkward, he brings the show to screeching halt. I gave him a break last week since they tried to squeeze 16 performances into two and half hours, but holy hell this guy is awful. He needs to stop walking onstage as if he is auditioning to be the next James Bond. I can't believe I am about to say this but Steve Jones makes me (dare I say) miss Ryan Seacrest. He also makes Ryan Seacrest look (dare I say) talented by comparison. Steve, get your shit together, because right now, you are the WORST part of X Factor, and I'm sure there are plenty of suitable replacements that can fill your shoes in Season 2.

The Party's Over - Farewell to Tito

2011-09-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

We all remember the awful decision by Grady Little to keep Pedro Martinez in the game in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS that ended up being the nail in the coffin of his managerial career in Boston. Terry Francona entered the sports media frenzy that is Boston. Throughout that season, he was graced with the nickname FranCOMA for his lack of small ball type moves within the game. He instantly became popular in the clubhouse amongst his players. He shortened his players’ names to one syllable nicknames (Schill, Tek, Pap, Kev, etc.) He managed personalities and led the 2004 Red Sox to win the World Series, something no manager had done for 86 years. In 2007, he did it again.

Now it is 2011. The Red Sox tied a franchise record for the most losses in the month of September (Record of 7-20). The team collapsed. Is Theo to blame? Theo Epstein has a track record of bringing Curt Schilling to Boston (for less money than the Yankees offered him) and trading Boston sports hero Nomar Garciaparra away for Dave Roberts and some other dudes. Both of those moves paid dividends in winning the 2004 World Series. However, over the past few years we have seen some of the worst signings imaginable come to Boston and crumble: Dice-K, Coco Crisp, Edgar Renteria, John Lackey, and JD Drew (may be worth the money for his timely Grand Slam in the ’07 ALCS).

Is Tito to blame? It doesn’t really matter at this point as Terry Francona has decided to part ways with the Red Sox. During his press conference he said, “When things go bad, your true colors show… and I was bothered by what was showing.” He felt as if he did not have the support of ownership and he truly did not feel he could get through to the players. The Red Sox players should be ashamed of themselves. Maybe money does change things. Maybe the big $157 million contracts do affect the hunger and the drive for professional athletes to succeed. You get paid that money to go out there day after day and play your best. Curt Schilling made a comment about John Lackey this week saying that, “When you leave that ballpark, you have an obligation to be a husband and a father. When you leave home you have an obligation to be a pitcher.” The 2011 Boston Red Sox did not care. I repeat. THEY. DID. NOT. CARE. The players are accountable and the lack of passion is ultimately what caused this team to collapse and alienate their manager.

Now we have witnessed an end of an era. Even on his way out of Boston, Francona handled himself at the press conference with dignity and class. He refused to make comments about individual players and rather spoke in generalities. I woke up this morning hearing that the Red Sox were firing Terry Francona and now ten hours later I realize that Tito was burnt out. He is exhausted. I do not blame him. I wish Terry Francona nothing but the best of luck in the future. I hope he can find a team that he can inspire to do great things. He managed the Red Sox to their first World Series in 86 years in 2004 and tacked on another for good measure in 2007. I hope Tito leaves Boston with his head held high knowing that he will never have to pay for a beer in Boston so long as he lives.

Making Sense of an Epic Collapse - The 2011 Boston Red Sox

2011-09-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

It was October 16th, 2003. I was a 17 years old kid yelling at then manager Grady Little to yank Pedro Martinez from the game and let the bullpen close it out binging us to the first World Series in my lifetime (1986 doesn’t really count since I was 7 months old). I watched Pedro give up the lead, Little almost instantly see his job slip away from him, and a 37 year old Tim Wakefield come out and give up a walk off home run to Aaron fucking Boone in the 11th inning. I had my heart broken that night. You know that feeling.

It is the feeling you get when you feel you have found true love and suddenly she tells you that she does not love you any longer. After Game 7 of 2003, I felt lost and hopeless. The casual sports fan and the people who do not follow sports at can look at me like I am crazy, however, they do not understand the feeling of following a group of guys for six full months, playing six days a week, representing your city in hopes of reaching excellence. 2003 was not that year.

In October of 2004, I was a freshman at Boston University, a college whose campus is immersed around Fenway Park. Some may laugh when people call Fenway Park a Cathedral, but I promise you that every time I walk into that building, a chill goes down my spine. So much has changed over the past 100 years in America but baseball is a microcosm showing that much remains the same. In 2004, the Red Sox had not won a World Series since 1918. 86 years. 86 years of fans walking in and out of Fenway Park rooting for their beloved Red Sox only to be disappointed in October.

The Red Sox were playing their rival Yankees again in the best of 7 games American League Championship Series, and much like the Red Sox that Bostonians had gotten used to, they lost the first three to the Yanks. Game 3 was excruciating as the Sox lost 19-8 inside Fenway. It was Parents Weekend at BU and I came down the elevator to meet my parents outside my Rich Hall dorm. My father asked me why I wasn’t wearing my Red Sox hat and I flat out replied, “The Red Sox are dead to me”.

We all saw what happened that week. We witnessed the greatest comeback in the history of sports. The Sox found a way to win Game 4. My response was, “Fuck you Red Sox! How dare you give me even a glimmer of hope!” They won Game 5. They won Game 6. Game 7 was not even a contest. The Red Sox were on their way to the World Series.

Commonwealth Avenue was flooded with people. Everybody was a Red Sox fan that night. We walked into the Series against St. Louis, but it was hardly a contest. I watched Game 4 on Nickerson field surrounded by hundreds of other students. We breathed in the fresh October air and enjoyed the glow of the moon as we saw Keith Foulke underhand a ground ball to Doug Mientkiewicz and erase 86 years of pain and heartbreak. The 2004 Boston Red Sox showed the world that year that underdogs and misfits can achieve excellence if you just BELIEVE.

It brought closure to families who lost fathers and other relatives who lived and died without ever experiencing it. To me, it brought hope to a young eighteen-year-old kid. It showed me that life is filled with adversity and obstacles, but overcoming those hardships make success that much more glorious.

The 2011 Boston Red Sox walked into the season with swagger. Two big off season acquisitions in Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez immediately made the Sox the team to beat in the American League.

The season started awfully with a record of 2-10. As the season started to take form, we saw what we were capable of. We were capable of putting up runs with ease and with a pitching staff of Lester, Beckett, Buchholz, Lackey, Dice-K, Wakefield, we felt good about our chances. Then came September. The Red Sox ended their season with a disastrous 7-20 record. The starting pitching was non-existent, the offense was lack luster, the defense was sloppy, and the entire team put all the pressure on Alfredo Aceves’ rubber arm to go out there night after night and bail them out in relief.

Team. What we saw in the month of September was not a team. Take a look at the 2011 Tampa Bay Rays. They are a rag tag group of misfits who willed themselves into the postseason. Sound familiar? It should. The 2011 Tampa Bay Rays are very similar to the 2004 Boston Red Sox. Oh look who is putting on a Wild Card Champion t-shirt and hat... it's our good friend Johnny Damon who we let go in 2005 because we thought he was washed up.

Thankfully, Theo went out and got Coco Crisp... oh wait. So what have the Red Sox become? The Red Sox of 2011 were a collection of free agents showing up for a paycheck. I cannot say a bad word about Jacoby Ellsbury for his MVP-quality season or Dustin Pedroia who goes out there for 162 games as if it is all on the line. Those two players are the heart and soul of the Red Sox. Maybe it is because they came up through the Boston farm system and they understand the passion of Boston sports fans and the pressure of the Boston media. They have the fire in their belly. They want to compete. Crawford signed a monster contract and his freshman year in Boston will go down as his worst in the majors. Adrian Gonzalez showed that he was worth the money not only for his individual performance but for how much better he made David Ortiz at the plate. Papelbon was the Papelbon of old as he dominated opposing hitters in the 9th… until game 162 of course.

If there is one player who deserves the brunt of criticism, it is John Lackey. Listen, I understand how hard it must be to be a Major League pitcher in the American League East. However, John Lackey knew what he signed up for when he came to Boston. He signed a five year contract worth $82.5 million dollars. In 2011, he goes out there and sports the highest ERA of a starting pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball (approximately 130 years) with 12 wins. You would think that two years into his five year deal, he would go up to the podium with a hint of humility and say, “I sucked this year and it’s my goal to come back next year in better shape and ready to prove to all of you why you brought me to the Boston Red Sox.”

Instead, he shows up his fellow teammates with little league type antics whenever they miss a ball he feels they should have made. His post-game press conferences are similar to watching a stuck up rich girl unwilling to face any kind of criticism. We understood his struggles at the beginning of the season after hearing of his wife suffering a diagnosis of breast cancer. Now, with one week to go in the season, we hear he has filed for divorce. Sox fans don’t like him as a pitcher, a teammate, or a human being. I think the Red Sox need to eat his salary and ship John Lackey out of Boston.

The bottom line is that this season should never have come down to Game 162… but it did. We sit here now disappointed and heart broken that our once front-runner team is packing up their lockers and sitting at home for the month of October. It is a piece of humble pie that feels all but too familiar for those fans that went through 1986 and 2003. For those fans who were too young to remember those years, you have been walking around with your chests pumped out acting like your shit doesn’t stink. Well guess what, the Red Sox stunk. Plain and simple. Two straight years of not making the playoffs with the 3rd highest payroll in MLB is embarrassing.

Pride comes before the fall. This applies to botht he players and fans. I think the players believed in the hype a little too much and expected things to just fall into place. Things don’t always fall into place. You need to make it happen. The problem is, it was too little too late. The Rays earned that spot in the postseason and the Red Sox pissed it away. Now we look to 2012, the 100th Anniversary of the opening of Fenway Park.

My best advice to give to the team and fans is to walk into next season not with the mentality of “We are the team to beat!” but rather as, "We are the team with something to prove!"

Random Thoughts - Part I

2011-08-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever walked into a 7-Eleven and asked yourself, "Who the hell came up with the list of items to be stocked here?" I think about it all the time. You can walk in and get beer, magazines, cigarettes, bananas, coffee, sandwiches, sushi, pizza, ice cream, etc. But who decides the cut off? I imagine there is a board out there that sits at a long table and this is how the meeting goes.

FADE IN:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - 7-ELEVEN HEADQUARTERS

Jerry: Ok, so we've decided to include brownie mix on the shelves. All in favor?
John: If we have brownie mix then we must have vegetable oil on the shelves as well, otherwise, the brownie mix is useless.
Rick: I agree. While we're at it, I think we should include baked beans on the shelf right next to the canned tuna. I think it could be a huge seller.
Jerry: Are you fucking kidding me? Baked beans? Fine, whatever, sure. Add it. Are we done here?
John: We are currently selling bananas. Any thoughts on selling avocados?
Jerry: I'll be damned before I have those liberal loving bastards buying avocados in my stores!
Rick: Really? Have you ever put avocado on a sandwich? It's delicious, plus they're rich in Omega 3 fatty acids.
John: Wow, really?!
Jerry: Ok, that's enough. Baked beans are in. Vegetable oil is in. Super lubricated condoms are of course in. I just don't see avocados as a 7-Eleven product. I'm saying no. Meeting over. I need to go inspect the powdered donuts.

CUT TO BLACK

Some advice for all of the guys out there. Sometimes it is hard to determine whether you are in the friend zone or if you still have a shot at a girl. Do what I do just be 100% certain of your status. Invite the girl over for a late movie. Maybe 10pm on a work night. If she decides to come over, don't get overly excited. Wait til she shows up to your door. If she shows up all dolled up like she cares about how she looks around you, then you seem to be in good standing. If she shows up in full pajamas while wearing glasses because she already took out her contacts... chances are she has no interest in sleeping with you.

I was watching Law & Order the other night. The episode featured a young victim, maybe 10 years old. I winced and sighed in disappointment and shock. Then it got me thinking. What is tv murder drama age cut off that makes us NOT react in a shocked manner. A new born baby is killed? I can barely look at the screen. A 7 year old girl is killed? I'm still exhaling with grief towards the situation. A 14 year old boy is killed? I react... but not nearly as disappointedly as I react to the new born. A 17 year old boy is killed? I don't react. You know what I'm talking about. You're watching CSI or Bones and the victim is a 45 year old divorced man... do you react at all? No. He's just the vehicle for the story. I guess my cut off age would be anything older than 16 gets little to no reaction from this viewer after so many hours watching Law & Order, Special Victims Unit, and Criminal Intent.

Things That Really Piss Me Off Vol. I

2011-08-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is a new feature I am adding to the Untitled G. Garytt Poirier Project. Think of it as my therapy.

Have you ever stood in a long line at the grocery store? I'm sure you have. The proper way to stand in line is to face forward, avoid eye contact, and try not to stare. Last night, some dip shit directly in front of me decides to turn around facing me. No he was not trying to start a friendly conversation, but rather felt that the view behind him would be much more interesting than the view in front of him. Now I've got this guy a little over a foot from my face and I have to quickly avert MY eyes to shitty magazines as to not make him feel awkward. Hey asshole, face front and wait your turn.

Los Angeles rush hour has rules. At many intersections there are signs that say "No Left Turn 7-9am, 4-7pm." When did people feel that their judgment supercedes the judgment of the higher ups who make the rules of the road? If it's 6:45pm, don't put on your left blinker and hold up my commute just because you are a lazy ass and can't go up another block. On a related note, how about those people who try and take lefts through three lanes of traffic? These people are just above terrorists on my "Shittiest People on the Planet" list. Yesterday, this guy blocked my driving path just so he could nudge his way through not one, not two, but three lanes of traffic.

On a related note, I was nice enough to allow some lady to take a left while I drove. I stopped, gave her a wave and she turned. She was talking on the phone and did not give me the thank you wave. I was livid. How dare you not show a sign of appreciation when somebody does something kind for you. I have never taken a left that was given to me without an appreciative wave.

Bars without draft beer. Hey dummies, if I wanted to suck on a bottle of Coors light, I would have stayed home and spent $.50. I came out to have a nice fresh draft beer. A Bass, a Sam Adams, maybe a Guinness. Get your act together.

Captain America: The First Avenger - Review

2011-07-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

Captain America: The First Avenger joins a movie marketplace that is flooded oversaturated with comic book superhero films. Thor charged onto movie screens earlier this summer to a good amount of praise by movie goers and critics. Granted, Thor had the pleasure of having Kenneth Branagh at the helm. Captain America had Joe Johnston. It took a while, but I have forgiven Joe for ruining my childhood nostalgia with Jurassic Park III. I really wanted to enjoy Captain America because it had everything I could ever want: Tommy Lee Jones and Stanley Tucci, a 1940s setting, a relatively unknown attractive female love interest, and stuff blowing up. Unfortunately, Captain America fails to deliver in any positive way.

A good movie can start off weak so long as it gains momentum. Captain America’s biggest weakness is that the film starts off strong but loses its energy as the story progresses. Stanley Tucci is spectacular in his limited role. He exudes comedic timing, charm, and sincerity in a movie that lacks much of this. Hugo Weaving does his best with what he is given, but his character never really surpasses anything more than a Darth Vader archetype. I cannot ignore the fact that if Star Wars and Indiana Jones decided to procreate, the plot of Captain America would be its disappointing spawn.
Chris Evans plays Captain America (Luke Skywalker), the underdog that nobody believes in until Stanley Tucci (a German Obi Wan) gives him the power to make a difference. Hugo Weaving plays the villainous Red Skull (Darth Vader) who finds a glowing cube that holds all the power the world without any explanation of what the hell it actually is. He has a megalomaniacal desire to use it to win the war for the Germans. (sounds an awful lot like the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark huh?).

He does this along with his thousands of uniformed henchman (Storm troopers). Johnston attempts to direct the film with similar camera styles to that of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg circa 1980 but does not succeed. The movie lacks focus, explanation, and character.
It seems hokey and cheesy but not in a fun tongue in cheek kind of way. At times it felt like Batman, the 1960s television series. All it needed was a narrator or print on the screen to read, “Meanwhile, in Red Skull’s evil lair…”

When the film begins to gain any sort of momentum, what follows is a preposterous action movie montage that forced me to hide my face in shame. How does Captain America know how to throw his shield so that it returns to him like a boomerang? Where did this motorcycle come from? Did the projectionist skip a reel? The plot is disorganized and the dialogue is just awful. I saw the film in 3D causing the picture to be ridiculously dark. I wanted to like this movie, but it was just unpleasant to sit through.

1 out of 5 stars

What Happens at Comic-Con Stays at Comic-Con… Sort of.

2011-07-25T13:12:00.001-07:00

I arrived in San Diego at 1pm on Friday afternoon after getting roughly an hour and half of sleep the night before. I wasn’t sure if anxiety or anticipation kept me awake. I decided to buy five Red Bulls at a 7-Eleven and high tail down to San Diego as quickly as possible. I knew in the back of my mind that I was on borrowed time. I would crash eventually. I just did not know when. In a two hour span, I downed five energy drinks so I neither had the time nor the patience to search around for a free parking spot ten blocks away from my destination once I arrived. As I changed my clothes on the rooftop of a parking garage, I met eyes with an Asian fellow looking to be in his mid 40s. He gives me a smile as he puts on Zorro boots, a laser gun holster, and some sort of head dress. This is it, I thought. It is time for Comic-Con 2011.

My first stop was a press lounge tucked away inside Petco Park. Sponsored by Nintendo, it was furnished with plush white leather couches, free Blu Ray copies of the film Limitless, bottles of Kenneth Cole cologne, and complimentary food and drinks. This would become a lovely sanctuary. Being the mid 20s degenerate I am, I have a sixth sense for free cocktails. A Bud Light and vodka tonic later, it was time to work. Granted, work constituted watching my partner in crime interview the creator of a new BBC America show titled Bedlam. It was not exactly comparable to digging a ditch. After the interview, I felt my buzz starting to fade away, so it was time to head over to a party right on the water. I was handed some sort of fruity concoction that I was told was alcoholic. After enjoying a cigarette by the waterfront and grabbing a gift bag, it was time to move on to the Wired Café at the Omni Hotel. Hot chicks dance to a video game, a DJ blasts his beats, and Top Gear shows off some cool gadgets… oh yeah, and free booze. We had a lovely True Blood cocktail (vodka with some reddish sugary flavoring) and followed it with the classiest of drinks: Budweiser Select from a can.

Now I was in need of something in my stomach non-alcoholic, preferably food. A group of us go to a place called the Broken Yolk Café. Their appetizers were some of the worst I have ever ordered in my life but it was difficult to say no to $1 beer happy hour. By the time we left, the sun was down. Nighttime was upon us and we needed a plan. After getting rejected from the Playboy Party (which included me yelling, “Do you know who I am?!” to several bouncers), I feel myself crashing. The lack of sleep catches up to me but luckily, almost on cue, two very attractive girls walk up to us offering free Red Bull (I’ll take two please!). Next, we venture over to a bar for a sponsored mixer. We arrive early so we find a good spot to lean against (because if you plan on drinking, you should always have something to lean against just in case). As professionals, actors, and actresses fill the bar, my cocktail waitress keeps handing me Jameson after Jameson after Jameson because I complimented her on the craziest tattoo on her back of a pocket watch that looked like it had been exploded by Tim Burton. Eating pizza, just to keep my head screwed on straight, I find myself singing along to a techno remixed version of John Mellencamp’s Jack and Diane. Finally around one in the morning, I hand my keys off and let someone else drive me home as I slip in and out of consciousness while simultaneously drunk texting a girl back in Los Angeles. She tells me, “Now is a good time to tell me everything you’ve ever wanted to tell me.” Sorry, sweetheart, but I’m not THAT blitzed.

I wake up at four o’clock in the morning with whiskey heart burn and chew on some Tums so I can survive the night. I’m up at nine watching Sportscenter. I am offered a Bloody Mary and just cannot say no. I attempt to get the poison out of my system via a forty minute hot shower am back downtown by noon. My colleagues did not feel like paying for parking so we basically had to walk through the set of the HBO show The Wire just to get back to any sign of civilization. My hangover is in instant need of some carbohydrates so I annihilate a free sandwich at a press lounge along with a Diet Coke on the rocks. At this point I decide to go the actual exhibition hall and see what is going on. My buddy and I weave in and out of crowds. At this point, I’m considering referring to Comic-Con as “Titty-Con 2011” after seeing roughly fifty women wearing next to nothing (only 20% of them had the bodies to justify doing so). I last a grand total of fifteen minutes before I need to be pampered again with free stuff. We rush across the street to the Wired Café where we enjoy an early afternoon beer and cocktail. We head over to the Hilton to enjoy a very entertaining press conference for the upcoming film Knights of Badassdom (translated to Kingdom of Broken Asses in Chinese). Afterwards, my buzz has fully worn off as I sip a much needed coffee from Starbucks and reflect. After thirty six hours of sprinting… I was done.

I said my good byes. I bid farewell to the nerds, the geeks, and the enthusiasts. The long walk back to the car gave me time to mull over the fun. Comic-Con is a celebration of the imaginary. It is a weekend to say goodbye to the real world and embrace our differences. Whether you are dressed as a Wookie or as a chubby Spiderman, it does not really matter. Much like the pampering lounges were to me, Comic-Con in itself is a sanctuary to tens of thousands of people for one weekend out of the year.

Winnie The Pooh - Review

2011-07-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

It is 10 am on a sunny Saturday morning. While millions flood the theatres to witness the final installment of Harry Potter, I decide I want to revitalize the innocence of my childhood self. I want to have a morning of heart warming nostalgia so I buy a ticket to Winnie the Pooh while convincing my adult cynical self that paying $11 (plus parking) for a film that is a shade over an hour long is worth the price of admission. I walk into the theatre to a sea of young children with their parents. Boys and girls alike cling tightly to their Pooh bears with an occasional Tigger or Piglet sprinkled throughout. I take my seat and wait for the lights to dim. For the next 70 minutes, nothing else matters but that silly old bear and his friends in the Hundred Acre Wood.

If you have not seen the 1977 The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh then I genuinely feel sorry for you. You may not know it yet, but your life is not complete. The 2011 version of Winnie the Pooh works as a refreshing companion piece to the original. The story is new, the voices have slightly changed, but it does not lose the same charm as the original. A tingle went down my spine as the opening shot walks us into the bedroom of Christopher Robin where everything seems possible if you have a little imagination. John Cleese harmoniously narrates the story as we cling onto every word as he reads from the familiar leather bound book authored by A.A. Milne. The song hits and we meet our favorite “tubby little buddy all stuffed with fluff” for the first time.

The film’s two major plot lines are very simple. Eeyore loses his tail and his friends create a contest to find the best tail. The grand prize of course is a delicious pot of Hunny (For the record, I know the proper spelling is “honey”). While this transpires, the friends of the Hundred Acre Wood misread a note left by Christopher Robin leading them to believe he was kidnapped by a crazy creature called the Backson. Hilarity of an adorable nature ensues featuring comedic dialogue exchanges reminiscent of old Abbot and Costello routines.

The real star of the film is Pooh himself. His interaction with the narrator is brilliantly placed and the characters’ interaction with the letters of the text is magically executed. As Pooh states so eloquently, “I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me.” It is this simplicity of the plot and characters that are implicit in the film’s appeal. Winnie The Pooh will teach you a simple lesson that there may be more important priorities than the “rumbly in your tumbly”. It is up to you to apply that lesson to your everyday adult life. Personally, I walked out of the theatre and as the sun shined on my face, I smiled with a new appreciation for life and the possibility it can bring.

4 out of 5 stars.

HUGO Trailer Hits the Web

2011-07-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

It is finally here. If you saw Harry Potter this past weekend you may have experienced the hot new trailer for HUGO, director Martin Scorsese’s first trip into the world of 3D and family filmmaking. The trailer is a far departure from what film fanatics have grown to love about the 69 year old filmmaker who is etter known for dark and gritty filmmaking. Many people are skeptical and confused about what to think of Scorsese’s newest venture.

Firstly, Scorsese is a lover of movies. Every single one of his films is in one way or another an homage to a genre or a specific filmmaker who inspired him. Secondly, Marty has never made a bad movie. Flawed yes. Bad no. His masterpieces include Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and The Departed. His lesser known films to the general public include The Color of Money, King of Comedy, The Age of Innocence, Cape Fear, New York, New York, and Bringing Out the Dead. Shutter Island was a disappointment to many because Scorsese has put the bar of expectation so high that everybody expects a home run every time he steps up to the plate. He has made a sea of uniquely memorable films that span a wide array of genres. Despite this, he injects his films with his own distinct flavor. This trailer does not feel Scorsese-esque. My guess is it is still too early to judge. Whether it will go down as a Scorsese classic or go down as one of his flawed films is yet to be seen. I know that no matter how flawed his films are, his perspective remains the most interesting perspective of the last 50 years. With four months until its release, Marty has a lot of work and fine-tuning before we see the finished product. I for one, cannot wait.

Roof

2011-07-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

The air is crisp. Not a star in sight over the Los Angeles night sky but the moon shines brightly in a most incandescent way. The downtown skyline in the distance elicits energetic light giving it a sense of life while Miracle Mile and Century City have retired for the night. The houses scattered on the Hollywood hills are sporadically lit. Each light tells its own story. The brightest light of them all comes from the tip of the cigarette hanging on for dear life between your lips which gives off a volcanic orange glow. Los Angeles is quiet tonight. For once in its existence, the city is at rest. The only sound that hits your ears is the crackling of the burning cigarette as you inhale. It is peaceful. It is calm. Until a deafening helicopter loudly hovers by and knocks you down to grim reality.

Tranformers: Dark of the Moon - Review

2011-06-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

I remember being a kid and playing with my action figures (or dolls as my Mother would call them). I would have Optimus Prime battle Batman until a giant T-Rex flew in and devoured them both. It didn’t make any sense and it defied all logic. But it didn’t matter to me because I was in charge. Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an excessive 157 minute exercise of Michael Bay channeling his inner child having robots wrestle around as they maniacally destroy Chicago. He hopes the 3D and the never ending explosions are enough to distract the audience from the lack of storytelling, character, and performance. It pains me to say it, but it kind of worked.

Transformers is all about the robots but for some ridiculous reason, Bay feels the need to crowbar in a laundry list of actors to basically perform meaningless skits in between action sequences. Shia LaBeouf returns as the main character whose name escapes me because quite honestly, it really doesn’t matter. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley who falls under the category of “Not a good enough actress to warrant me saying all three of her names”. She replaces Megan Fox as the token damsel in distress in a Razzie Award worthy performance that makes Fox’s acting look like Meryl Streep in comparison.

John Malkovich is entertaining but contributes nothing to the plot in his short time on screen. Patrick Dempsey chews enough scenery to give Gene Hackman in Superman a run for his money. Frances McDormand is in full “What the hell am I doing here?” mode while Josh Duhamel delivers one of the most abominable lines of dialogue I have ever heard that it caused me to turn my face away from the screen in embarrassment.

Performances aside, the real disservice Michael Bay is responsible for is desensitizing his audience to the point where nothing shocks us anymore. In Armageddon, he spent time allowing us to connect to those characters and as a result, we had an emotional response when one of them died. Transformers treats it’s human characters like pawns on a chess board while the robots play the role of the queen able to move all over the board destroying anything and everything in its path without consequence. The final hour of the film shows the massacre of the human race. Instead of feeling compassion or shock, we feel nothing. We feel nothing because Bay’s style of directing keeps us so emotionally distanced from the characters and conflict that we really do not give a damn who wins the war between the Autobots and Decepticons.

As much as the film underwhelms in every category of filmmaking, it overwhelms with its use of 3D. One shot immerses you in the point of view of sky divers weaving in between the skyline of Chicago. The result is a breathtaking experience that might leave some with a dizzying spell of vertigo. The 3D experience more than justifies seeing Transformers in theatres and will leave you happily remembering the striking images that Bay projects on screen. Just don’t ask me what the movie is about because I really do not remember. And truthfully, I don’t care.

3/5 stars

Midnight In Paris - Review

2011-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

Writing a review for Woody Allen’s newest film “Midnight In Paris” is an extremely difficult task. As the reviewer, you must succumb to the fact that no matter what you write and how well you write it, your piece will pale in comparison to the brilliance found in Allen’s new film. I typically am not drawn to Woody Allen films. I love Annie Hall and Crimes and Misdemeanors but I find Manhattan boring and Match Point was Woody Allen plagiarizing Woody Allen. Despite my feelings for the writer/director personally and professionally, Woody Allen won me over in droves with his ode to Paris, love, nostalgia, and hope.

Owen Wilson plays Gil, a screenwriter who hates the fact that he has sold his soul to Hollywood. As a result, he has a burning desire to write a novel. Gil is engaged to Inez played by “I would marry you in a second without hesitation or regret” Rachel McAdams. McAdams plays against type, however. Instead of the sweet girl Owen is trying to court, she plays the nagging, spoiled, resentful fiancé who never misses a chance to stomp all over Gil’s spirit and passionate love for the beauty and spirit of Paris.

Gil decides to explore Paris on his own. In an attempt to keep this review “spoiler free”, I will say that Woody Allen brings us into a world of wonder. Tim Burton impresses us with the worlds he creates via art direction and costume design. Allen uses nothing but the written page. His dialogue is crisp and poetic. His camera work is simplistic but glamorous. He opens the film with a series of shots meant to immerse the audience in the beauty and tranquility that is Paris. These shots help us connect with our protagonist Gil as he starts his quest. Owen Wilson plays a perfect Woody: neurotic, witty, and insecure. The supporting cast is magnificent. Michael Sheen struck me with the subtle way he portrayed the windbag friend of Gil and Inez. Kathy Bates is marvelous with the way she commands the screen. For me, Corey Stoll steals the show. The mere thought of his performance and his long, drawn out, and melodious monologues bring a smile to my face due to their impeccable execution.

Woody Allen movies always make you think. Allen does not play for the cheap seat movie fans in the nosebleeds but rather makes films for the intellectual. “Midnight In Paris” is much like other Woody Allen films but it leaves you with less of a cynical taste in your mouth and more of an optimistic one. Maybe I gave up on Woody Allen too soon. Woody Allen has a lot left to say… and he’s finally got my attention.

5/5 stars.

Super 8 - Review

2011-06-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

Imaginative film making, emotional performances, and poetic writing all play their part in J.J. Abrams's coming of age film Super 8. Abrams doesn't hide the fact that Super 8 is clearly paying homage to the early style of Steven Spielberg. The film is reminiscent of Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T., and despite Spielberg being on board as the film's producer, Super 8 never feels as if it's falling into the trap of plagiarism.

Abrams shows his writing and directing brilliance with the care and finesse he treats his characters while still maintaining a masterful understanding of suspense. The kids in this adventure seemed so vividly entertaining that I could have watched a two-hour film of them running around trying to film their zombie movie (stay for the closing credits and be treated to some bonus footage).

The film is not without its flaws however. The climax of the film seems a bit too far fetched and asks the audience to buy what is being sold without any real explanation. This stems from a greater issue. At times, Super 8 feels like two separate movies. The first is a film about children coming of age in the wake of a tragedy. The second is a monster conspiracy film that feels like an episode of Lost without any great payoff. The two stories are two runaway trains charging closer and closer until the collision causes some sort of conclusion, albeit a messy one.

Despite the shortcomings of the plot and structure, J.J. Abrams has succeeded in making a summer blockbuster that attempts to challenge its audience. He tells his story through images instead of wordy dialogue. His opening shot and closing shot solidifies his ability to communicate through the camera and are the most powerful images in the film. His characters are loveable and flawed allowing audiences to relate easily. He puts his faith in the performances of the child actors (brilliantly cast, by the way) and Kyle Chandler (who electrifies every frame he's in). Super 8 will keep you on the edge of your seat with its suspense, covered in goosebumps with its heartfelt metaphors and imagery, and will leave you nostalgic for the innocent days of your youth.

4/5 STARS.

WRESTLEMANIA: The Showcase of the Immortals

2011-03-27T21:17:00.001-07:00

Sunday April 2nd, 2011 will feature the 27th installment of WrestleMania.

There is a stigma that comes with saying you are a fan of professional wrestling. It is thought of as entertainment for uneducated dummies, however, I challenge the naysayers to look deeper. I have always thought if pro-wrestling had a close cousin it would be ballet. Ballerinas and wrestlers hold many of the same skills as they use their bodies to tell stories. They protect each other and push their bodies to the limit. Professional wrestling incorporates competition into the storytelling and it has featured out of this world characters for years but it does not necessarily mean that it is for the dumb and uneducated. Most of the matches I have seen can be described as mediocre. However, there are some matches that I see as works of art.

WrestleMania began in 1985 and since has been considered the Superbowl of wrestling. It is where careers are made and heroes are born. It has been billed as the "showcase of the immortals." It is the one night a year when a wrestler has the chance to create a legacy that will be etched in stone forever.

My Top 10 WrestleMania Matches of All Time (In No Particular Order):

Criteria: There are several matches in the history of WrestleMania that were so memorable due to the hype involved. Such matches include Hulk Hogan vs. Andre The Giant from WM 3 and Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock from WM 18. These matches will forever be etched in our nostalgic memories of WrestleMania but the in ring work was far from harmonious and thus did not make this list. This list reflects matches that surpass the expectation of professional wrestling. These matches went far and beyond "sports entertainment" and ultimately will be remembered as "masterpieces".

WRESTLEMANIA III (1987): Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat for the Intercontinental Championship

No list would be complete without this memorable match. These two performers were way ahead of their time with the way they crafted and paced this match up. They were way ahead of their time. The main event for this night was Hogan vs. Andre The Giant but the Macho Man and The Dragon stole the show.

Pro-wrestling in 80s was dominated by big men. People were interested in seeing these larger than life monsters go at it in the ring. Savage and Dreamboat knew they had to work a match that would play to the crowd in a different way. They used suspense, athleticism, and chemistry to perform a match that paved the way for future superstars. They proved that you do not need to be the top billed match to steal the show.

WRESTLEMANIA XIX (2003): Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels is revered as "Mr. WrestleMania." He can steal the show whenever he wants to because he is one of the most physically talented in ring performers in the history of the business. What puts him above the rest is how he meticulously crafts each match building suspense until the finish. His ability to perform is the closest thing to artistry that has ever been seen in the middle of the ring.

What makes this match so impressive is that Shawn Michaels had retired from wrestling due to a debilitating back injury suffered five years earlier. His return was nothing short of miraculous and the shows he put on up until his final match were nothing short of spectacular. Chris Jericho had always been compared to Shawn, so making them WrestleMania opponents was just fool proof. I have always said that Shawn Michaels has the ability to make the worst wrestler look great. Jericho is a genius in how he balances his arrogant heel character and his astounding in-ring mechanics. Michaels and Jericho did more than perform. They told a story in the ring. Jericho was always told that he would be" the next Shawn Michaels." That wasn't good enough, he wanted to be better and would stop at nothing to do it; even decimating his childhood idol. When you put two guys in the ring with this much talent and even more respect for the business, you are due for one hell of a show.

WRESTLEMANIA X (1994): Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon in a Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Just like any great actor, before Shawn Michaels became the legend he is today he had to have his breakthrough performance. This match was it. It was the first Ladder Match in the history of the WWE. Simple rules: the title belt was hung high above the ring in Madison Square Garden and the only way to win was to climb the ladder and pull the belt down with you.

Razor Ramon (real name Scott Hall) was a fine wrestler for his time, but like I said earlier, Shawn Michaels has the ability to make a decent wrestler look great and he did so in this match. Wrestling back in the 80s and early 90s was very black and white. It consisted of good guys and bad guys. Cheer the good guys. Boo the bad guys. Razor was the "baby face" (good guy) and Michaels was the "heel" (bad guy). However, Shawn Michaels had a moxie about him inside the ring that fans could not help but respect.

WRESTLEMANIA XIII (1997): Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Bret Hart in a Submissions Match

Speaking of breakthrough performances, let us look at the match that would begin an entire era in professional wrestling. In 1997, the black and white world of good guys and bad guys began to turn a bit gray. Suddenly, the squeaky clean good guys were getting booed by fans while the controversial bad guys were getting cheered. In pro-wrestling, the mantra is give the fans what they want.

Bret Hart was the squeaky clean good guy. He stood for all that is good. He will be known as one of the most talented technical wrestlers of all time. But in 1996, in came a man by the name of Stone Cold Steve Austin who in one sentence changed the framework of pro-wrestling for the next ten years. In June of 1996, he won the King of the Ring tournament and in an interview after said:

You sit there and you thump your bible and you say your prayers and it doesn't get you anywhere. You talk about your psalms you talk about your John 3:16. Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass.

Austin was a guy who said what he wanted and he beat up who he wanted without apology. Fans were supposed to hate him but he captured the intrigue of the world. The solution was easy. Austin would go from heel to baby face and Bret Hart would turn into a bad guy for the first time in his storied career. The match at WrestleMania was a grudge match where the only way to win was to force your opponent to give up. The writers had written themselves into a corner. Austin's character could not give up especially if they wanted the fans to respect him and ultimately cheer him. They also did not want Bret Hart to look week so they had to come up with something.

Austin bled and bled and yes it is real blood. Bret Hart snapped on his patented "Sharpshooter" and fans around the world watched Austin scream in pain until ultimately he passed out from blood loss. Bret Hart won the match, but Austin NEVER gave up. It was a genius ending that helped propel both wrestlers forward into one of the most heated rivalries of the 1990s. This was Austin's breakthrough performance and ultimately was Bret Hart's swan song at WrestleMania.

This match would begin the "Attitude Era" of the late 1990s that featured characters like The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and DeGeneration X who pushed boundaries and brought a level of controversy unprecedented in the industry.

WRESTLEMANIA X-7 (2001): TLC II: Edge & Christian vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. The Hardy Boyz in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match for the Tag Team Championship

These six men fought in the first ever Triangle Ladder match at WrestleMania 16 in the year 2000. They put their bodies on the line to put on a memorable match. A few months later they fought in the first ever TLC (Tables, Ladders, and Chairs) match. Then finally in 2001, they met again at WrestleMania for TLC II. The reason I chose this match is that they had to reinvent themselves every time they entered the ring. This was the third meeting with these six men and yet it felt new and exciting.

There is not much to analyze. It was not a technical masterpiece. It was not incredibly hyped with a story line. Instead, these guys went into the ring and put everything their hearts, souls, and bodies on the line. This one you have to see to believe.

WRESTLEMANIA X-7 (2001): Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock for the World Wrestling Federation Championship

Despite TLC II shocking the capacity crowd and millions watching around the world. The Rock vs Stone Cold Steve Austin was arguably the most anticipated match in WrestleMania history. Ultimately, the two performers would meet three times on the grandest stage of them all but this match was their most memorable.

It was hyped like no other match. Austin and The Rock defined the "Attitude Era" of wrestling. Their skills on the microphone were as perfect as their abilities in the ring. These two could create more tension and suspense with a mid ring stare down than anybody in the business. Not since WrestleMania III's main event with Hogan vs. Andre had two competitors created such anticipating just by standing in the middle of the ring.

The Rock and Austin went at it for 28 grueling minutes. How would it end? How could it end? Both men were good guys coming into this match - a rarity for a WrestleMania main event. They put on, in my opinion, the greatest World Championship match in WrestleMania history. Ultimately, something had to give. Someone had to lose. Fans around the world had no idea what was in store for them.

Austin was never a good guy. He was a bad guy that people loved. However, on this night Stone Cold Steve Austin did the unthinkable: he sold out. He shook hands with WWE owner Vince McMahon who had spent the past two years as the company's top bad guy playing the role as the wealthy, power driven boss that everybody loved to hate. Play by play announcer screamed, "Austin has made a deal with the devil himself." McMahon and his writers had shocked us. He showed us that in a split second he could turn our world upside down. If Austin could be a sell out, what else could be possible?

WRESTLEMANIA XII (1996): Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart in an Iron Man Match for the World Wrestling Federation Championship

Two wrestlers in their prime meeting for the company's top prize. The Iron Man Match made perfect sense... kind of. The rules were simple. The match would last 60 minutes. The man with the most pin falls, submissions, count outs, or disqualifications by the time the clock expired would be declared the winner and champion. This posed a problem. As much of a challenge as this match was to two performers, it was an even bigger challenge to wrestling fans. Could wrestling fans sit and watch two men compete for over an hour? Could these wrestlers keep the fans' interest?

Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart walked into the ring and put on a wrestling clinic for over 60 minutes. This match matured Shawn Michaels both as a wrestler and a person. He was now at the top of the professional wrestling world as Champion. The boyhood dream had come true.

WRESTLEMANIA XXIV (2008): Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair - If Flair Loses, He Must Retire

As emotional as Shawn Michaels winning the Championship in 1996 was, this particular match holds the spot as the most emotionally charged match in WrestleMania history. Coming into this match, every wrestling fan knew that Ric Flair was going to lose and subsequently retire. You see, in the professional wrestling business, it is not customary for a wrestler to end his career on top. Instead, it is his job to pass the torch. Ric Flair's love and respect for the business is undeniable. We all watched on as a 59 year old Ric Flair and a 43 year old Shawn Michaels showed the younger generation of wrestlers just how to steal the show.

Ric Flair hand picked Shawn Michaels as his final opponent in his storied career - quite an honor. These two performers told a beautiful story in the ring. It was the story of Ric Flair desperately clinging to his career not ready to call it quits. Michaels had all the respect in the world for Flair, but he lays down for absolutely nobody. These two created magic in the ring that night. Flair, realizing his final moment was upon him, stood up crying. Michaels looked him in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry. I love you." Michaels gave Flair his patented Sweet Chin Music (kick to the chin) and covered him for the three count. As soon as the referee's hand hit the mat for the third count, Michaels cradled Flair's head as both of them lay in the ring crying. The tears were genuine. Flair knew that it was over and Michaels was sad to be the one to end the career of one of the greatest personalities in professional wrestling history.

I remember watching this match with tears coming down my face. This match brought professional wrestling to another level. It proved that you do not need crazy characters or a heated rivalry to create a memorable moment. Flair left the ring sobbing, hugging and kissing his crying family in the front row and walked up the entrance way for one final time. It was his last match and he and Shawn Michaels told a story of love and respect that had never been told in a ring and likely will never be told the same way ever again. The crowd stood on their feet and gave Flair a standing ovation that just fueled the tears streaming down his face. They were not only applauding for an incredible match or an unrivaled career. They were saying thank you.

WRESTLEMANIA XIX (2003): Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle for the WWE Championship

Brock Lesnar was an NCAA Champion wrestler. Kurt Angle won the Gold Medal at the 1996 Olympics for wrestling. It was a no brainer to put these two in the ring together.

Angle and Lesnar mixed an amateur wrestling style and a theatrical wrestling style into a symphony of a match. At one point, Lesnar climbs to the top rope to do a Shooting Star Press (a frontwards flip onto your opponent). It is arguably the scariest moment in WrestleMania history as Lesnar botched the flip and landed directly on his head. Fans around the world thought he had broken his neck but he was lucky. He stood right on up and finished the match with Angle.

The match was such an incredible testament to athleticism that Angle broke his heel character after the match hugging Lesnar and raising his hand up with the Championship belt as the fans gave them both a standing ovation. Lesnar had a brief stint in the WWE before he decided to call it quits but his impact was memorable. Kurt Angle will likely go down as one of the top 5 technical wrestlers of all time.

WRESTLEMANIA 25 (2009) & WRESTLEMANIA 26 (2010): Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker - The Streak On The Line

Am I cheating by putting both of these matches on this list? Yes and no. If every WrestleMania match had a film counterpart, these two matches would be The Godfather and The Godfather Part II. Both are masterpieces. However, we cannot imagine one without the other.

Here is the backstory. The Undertaker is the only wrestler in history to go undefeated at WrestleMania. Before WrestleMania 25, he was 16-0. Sure, the finishes are pre-determined, but it is quite an accomplishment to be trusted with what has know been coined "The Streak". Every year now, someone tries to break it. Who will be the first? Shawn Michaels wanted to be the first. So at the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania, The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels got in the ring and for 30 minutes we all sat at the edge of our seats in the most suspenseful match in history.

One year later, most wrestling fans knew that WrestleMania XXVI would be the final match of Shawn Michaels. It was a matter of who he wanted to wrestle. Shawn and Taker put on the match of the year in 2009 and Shawn Michaels is not one to take the easy way out. He knew that if he wanted to have as memorable of a last match that he gave Ric Flair two years earlier, he would have to step in the ring again with The Undertaker. This time the storyline was that Michaels was putting his career on the line to get another crack at breaking the Undertaker's streak. We all knew it was Shawn's last match.

Shawn Michaels is known as Mr. WrestleMania. He has put on some of the greatest matches in history on the grandest stage of them all. He gave The Undertaker his two greatest matches two years in a row. Taker was so appreciative that after his match with Michaels in 2010, he broke character in the ring for the first time in his career. He shook hands with Michaels and the two embraced knowing that they stole the show two years in a row and now Michaels could walk into the the sunset knowing he put on on hell of a show.

Shawn Michaels had put so much of his body on the line. It was time for him to say goodbye with one final show. The fans stood and applauded the Shawn and Undertaker for raising the bar of wrestling. It became more than just a match. The two men put on tour de force performances at back to back WrestleManias distinguishing themselves as two of the greatest superstars of all time.

Dr. Netflix or: How I Learned to Stop Watching Television and Learned to Love Instant Streaming

2011-03-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

Mark this date on your calendar: March 15th, 2011, The Day Netflix Shook The Foundation of the Entertainment Business Forever.

Having focused on a business plan that included renting out second-run movies and television shows - limiting their potential and causing their profits to eventually plateau - they're now going into the original programming business (and cutting out the network middleman in the process): Netflix successfully outbid HBO and AMC and gave a guaranteed 23-episode order to the Kevin Spacey-produced and David Fincher-directed series House of Cards.

Remember when Netflix first arrived on the scene? They promised next-day DVDs delivered straight to your mailbox for an affordable price. They provided a great selection of titles partnered with no late fees. Almost immediately, places like Blockbuster Video and Hollywood Video became obsolete.

Remember what life used to be like before Netflix? You'd jump in your car and drive over to the video store hoping they would have the title you want in stock. God forbid if two other people within a 15-mile radius wanted the same movie because then, you were shit out of luck. If they didn't have the movie you yearned for, you would then spend the next 45 minutes looking for a movie to settle with so the entire night wouldn't be a bust. Netflix changed that horrible experience. Netflix put the consumer in control.

Netflix took the video store model and perfected it. Due to high demand and the overhead costs of postage (more than you think) they found out they could save so much money and up their profits if they put content online. It seemed directed toward a specific niche audience of "computer content watchers" but soon enough they found several ways of plugging it straight into your television screen in full high-definition and 5.1 digital surround sound. It was now time to look forward and set a precedent.

Netflix_tivo With DVRs changing the way we watch everything nowadays, Netflix is clearly observing the shift in viewers' habits and is basically telling the consumer, "We know you you're on your schedule, so watch our original show (House of Cards) whenever you feel like it." Give the consumer what they want. Adapt to the market.

Networks are becoming less powerful by the day. The networks that should truly be shaking in their boots are HBO and Showtime. These pay services are averaging roughly $7 more a month than Netflix. Netflix has a variety of films and TV shows at one's fingertips; it's the couch potato's dream. It takes the On-Demand craze to a whole new level.

This acquisition could be a big bust for Netflix. It might not bring in more subcribers immediately. However, Netflix is showing that they are not just a rental service but rather a pioneer in the distribution of film and television programming.

Networks beware. Netflix has got your number.

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards: My LIVE commentary via Twitter...

2011-02-28T11:19:00.000-08:00

Oscar night means one thing. My cocaine dealer is going to awfully hard to get a hold of.

I thought my homemade sex tape would AT LEAST get an Oscar nomination for Best Art Direction. Sigh...

Oscar night: The one night a year that Hollywood gives thanks to their Agents instead of treating them like soulless bottom feeders in suits

I wonder if Warren Beatty feels awkward at the #oscars tonight with Annette Benning considering he's banged 86% of the women in the room

Jesse Eisenberg on the red carpet, teaching America how to get an Oscar nomination just by being an incredibly awkward human being

Reason Justin Timberlake brought his Mom to the Oscars is because he didn't want to give one of the 256 women he is fucking an inflated ego

Melissa Leo's Oscar dress looks like a bad Elvis costume. Yuck. Jennifer Lawrence on the other hand... hubba hubba.

I'm sorry, why is Celine Dion at the Oscars? Is it 1997?

Red Carpet Buzz Kills: Actors with really thick accents making them impossible to understand. You heard me Javier Bardem.

Marisa Tomei looks incredibly stunning as usual. Cate Blanchett... SWING and a miss. She looks like a 3rd grade arts and crafts project.

James Franco is clearly incredibly stoned. The Red Carpet isn't over and I am already drunk... who am I to judge?

Fuck! I just watched 90 minutes of red carpet... There's a 3 hour award show on now?! Do I have enough booze?

Am I the only person who gets douche chills every time Halle Berry calls herself "a woman of color" and acts like she struggled through the civil rights movement?

Note to hosts of the #oscars: don't applaud while onstage, it looks silly.

Whoever designed this stage for the #oscars is an absolute visionary genius... enough of that guy who I don't know... here's @tomhanks

@richardroeper I am pacing back and forth feverishly for the Best Documentary Short Subject award... Come on! #oscars

So happy Melissa Leo won the #oscars tonight. Nobody embodied a character like she did in The Fighter. Bravo! She gets extra points for dropping the F bomb on network tv.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis on stage... Two actors who weren't nominated but the Academy felt bad and invited them anyways

Can we just call a spade a spade and call the Best Animated Feature category the "Pixar Award"?

Congratulations to Aaron Sorkin on his Oscar win, nobody deserved an award tonight more than you. Your dialogue is like poetry and why is the orchestra cutting you off. Award show foul.

Biutiful was robbed of an #oscar. I haven't seen it yet, but I heard really, really good things. #uneducatedopinion

Congratulations to EVERY white trash Masshole who thinks his story would make an awesome movie. Christian Bale, well deserved. #oscars

I wish I bet the OVER on how many times Mark Wahlberg shakes his fist at the camera. #oscars

The score for INCEPTION was epic, but Trent Reznor and Atticus Rose used restraint and grace in their score for THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Scarlett Johansen's dress looks like a cheap place mat used in 6 year old girls' tea parties.

7pm. 90 minutes left on the #oscars and my BAC is at .129. I'm ready for Oscar after parties!

I was truly enjoying the #oscars and then... Oprah walked on stage. Sigh.

Since when are agents honored in the IN MEMORIAM?

Really?! I loved Kings Speech but I truly thought it was the year of David Fincher. Congrats Tom Hooper.

When I win an Academy Award, I am going to turn it into the most bitchin pepper grinder the world has ever seen.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow will never cease to make me cry.

Vince McMahon, The Rock, and WrestleMania

2011-02-15T16:08:00.000-08:00

While most people were getting laid, breaking up, buying flowers, or eating a romantic meal last night on Valentines Day, a select portion of the television viewing audience came face to face with their 1999 self. A man by the name of Dwayne Johnson made his return to World Wrestling Entertainment last night on Monday Night Raw. You may also know him as THE ROCK.

Vince McMahon is a marketing genius. In the 1980s, he took his father's wrestling territory along with several other and formed the World Wrestling Federation. One problem: the company lacked an event that the entire nation could rally around. Pro-wrestling needed a Superbowl or World Series. With that need, Vince McMahon created WrestleMania. Considered a huge risk back in 1985, the event is about to celebrate its 27th installment on April 3rd from Atlanta, GA in front of 70,000+ fans in attendance.

How does he keep outdoing himself year after year? He must maintain interest in a sport (for lack of a better word) that has come out of the closet and proclaimed, "Pro-wrestling is not real!"

Last year's WrestleMania saw Shawn Michaels enter the ring for the final time as he went head to head with The Undertaker in a match that can only be compared to ballet. That's right I said it! People knock pro-wrestling for its crazy storylines and outrageous characters. Not enough is mentioned of these performers' athleticism. Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker both went out to main event WrestleMania last year in their 40s and put on a clinic. They showed that if you have natural chemistry and you attempt to tell a story in the ring, you can put on a show that will leave people with goosebumps.

Two years earlier, Ric Flair wrestled his final match at WrestleMania against Shawn Michaels in the most emotionally charged match in the history of professional wrestling.

Vince McMahon created the stage where performers could become immortal. Fans still talk about Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat from WrestleMania 3 and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Bret Hard from WrestleMania 13. Last year's WrestleMania had roughly 970,000 buys on pay-per-view. At $60 a pop, we are talking about $58 million in revenue just from the people watching at home. We should not forget the ticket sales, the merchandise being sold, and the television ratings it creates. Monday Night Raw is still the highest weekly program on cable television.

The WWE has seen many changes over the years. Ten years ago, it was directed toward grown men. It is now called the "Attitude Era". The storylines were racy and controversial with a TV-14 rating. For the past five years, however, Vince McMahon re-branded his company, directing towards children and families. WWE's programming now holds a TV-PG rating. The storylines and bits have become childish and silly. The promos (Promo: when a wrestler goes to the ring and talks on the microphone to the audience to advance a storyline or character) have gotten predictable and boring. Last night changed everything...

Take a look at the epic return of The Rock:
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid608811972001?bckey=AQ~~,AAAAFszvO9k~,_Kl7mkws6Ug2EdSTvaiaracoTZ9pTogz&bclid=608390227001&bctid=790273249001

The Rock returning to WWE for WrestleMania is a lot more than just stunt casting. The Rock had not been on a microphone in character for close to seven years and last night he did not miss a beat. He brought passion, comedy, and edge to what otherwise would have been a mundane episode of Monday Night Raw. For the first time in years, pro-wrestling actually became unpredictable.

Why is The Rock returning to WWE? It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Raw airs on USA. USA is owned by NBC Universal. The Rock's new film "Fast 5" was made by Universal. Is it starting to make sense? Vince McMahon has created an excellent relationship with a media juggernaut that will keep his business and brand thriving for years to come.

Rumor has it that WWE has just inked a deal with Justin Bieber to also appear at this year's WrestleMania. We can only guess what is inside that masterful mind of Vince McMahon.

The "King of All Media" Welcomes the "Piano Man"

2010-11-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday morning, Howard Stern welcomed his good friend into the radio studio. His name is Billy Joel. We have seen musicians interviewed before. Typically they answer some softball questions and then they play their hits. This interview was different. As a listener, you truly felt like you were sitting in a room with Howard and Billy and listening to two friends chatting about their careers and life. Howard sat in his chair. Billy at a Steinway piano.

Howard is the ultimate interviewer. He takes superstars like Billy Joel and peels back the layers of confidence and bravado until he finds a piece of vulnerability. For Billy, Howard could not get past the fact that Billy’s father left for Europe when he was younger and it was not until many years later when Billy met his father again in Vienna. Howard analyzed the lyrics and asked if that song was about Billy’s father. Billy really did not know the answer and made it known that he was a piano player first. He writes the music. Lyrics sell records. According to Billy, adding lyrics to his music was like spraying graffiti over a Picasso. This is why We Didn’t Start the Fire is his worst song in his opinion because the song originated due to the lyrics and according to Billy, the melody is non-existant.

Billy played the first song he ever wrote at 14 years old. He laughed at the lyrics and the clichéd chord progression. He spoke about when he was 9 years old, his piano teacher would make him practice Mozart and Billy would rather just start elaborating on Mozart…making it better. He wrote New York State of Mind in 15 minutes. It just came to him. Howard asked him if he hears a song in his head all the time. Billy went right into an anthem unheard by anybody until now.

When asked about the one song Billy was incredibly proud of that he was disappointed did not become a hit. Billy did not even answer the question with words. Instead, he played And So It Goes, a song which he was incredibly proud of. Chills.

Billy talked about how one of his most popular songs of all time was inspired by the second side of The Beatles Abbey Road. Billy asked Paul McCartney, “Are those really unfinished songs.” Paul exclaimed, “You bet!” So Billy went to the piano and took three songs that he could not finish and put them together to form Scenes From An Italian Restaurant.

I realized listening to the interview that my love for Billy Joel is for many of the same reasons I have such admiration for Martin Scorsese. Both are incredibly successful and talented. But before anything, they are fans of their craft. There is no bigger fan of film than Martin Scorsese. I would argue that there is no bigger fan of music than Billy Joel. He considers himself a songwriter. But people want him to perform so he does. He wrote Big Shot about Bianca Jagger through the eyes of Mick Jagger. He wrote Downeaster Alexa as a folk song. He writes original music while still paying homage, much like Martin Scorsese with his filmmaking.

The interview began and ended with a discussion and performance of the same song Summer, Highland Falls. Billy brought us through the evolution of the song. The original chords he came up with and how he then linked them together. He wrote the lyrics and music to express his manic depressive view of life. It’s all or nothing for him. It’s “sadness or euphoria”. This has always been one of my favorite Billy Joel songs and when he ended the interview playing it, it brought tears to my eyes.

If you've never heard the song:

Howard Stern has already said he is not retiring from radio just yet, but if he did, his interview with Billy Joel was one hell of a series finale. The luxury of satellite radio allowed Howard to sit with Billy for two hours, something unheard of one the terrestrial airwaves. Billy opened up a side of himself that until now he only shared with us through his music.

The LeftSetz Letter summed it up best:
"We live in an era where few can sing, few can play and if you can do the former, you can’t write. But Billy could do all three. He worked hard to get it right, to make it, back when you couldn’t fake it. Listen to this. You’ll be enraptured. When he puts his fingers on the keys nothing feels as good, no movie, no video game, only the touch of another person’s skin. That’s the power of music, its humanity." (Read his full article at http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/)

CONAN Returns To Television... Kind Of...

2010-11-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

It was June of 2009. Conan O'Brien was about to make his debut on The Tonight Show. Everybody between the ages of 18-30 felt their time was here. It was the beginning of a new era. For some reason at my young age I have become very cynical. Sometimes I find it to be one of my worst qualities. Other times, it keeps me from wearing rose colored glasses and allows me to serve up a nice platter of "I told ya so" every so often.

My prediction over a year ago before Conan debuted on the Tonight Show were as follows:
NBC airing The Jay Leno Show will ultimately be one of the worst programming decisions in the history of television. It will fail miserably thus knocking NBC to the #4 network under CBS, ABC, and FOX. Conan will bring his usual niche audience from 12:30 to 11:30, but will not be able to hold on to a strong audience. The lead in of the weak Jay Leno show will not help the situation but ultimately NBC will realize that Conan can only attract a small audience. Ultimately, Conan will be the one to get screwed and Jay Leno will take back the Tonight Show. Conan's name will be tarnished and no major network will want to touch him. The only place to go is to cable which will ultimately be a great move. His niche audience is perfect for a cable network and his demographics can put a cable network on the map.

Monday night marked the return to late night television of Conan O'Brien. His debut put TBS in the market of being a legit cable television network instead of just the place I go to watch Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond reruns. Just under 5 million people tuned in for his first show. Don't get carried away people, those numbers will drop faster than my pants in an orgy.

In the next week or two, you will see Conan's numbers fall. His 5 million viewers on Show #1 will look more like 1 million viewers on Show #15. I'm guessing his audience on Show #2 will be at least 25% lower than his audience in Show #1. He will eventually have a smaller audience than both Leno and Letterman. But it doesn't matter. Conan just needs to attract an audience large enough to give TBS attention.

Sure, Conan wanted to take over the Tonight Show because he adored Johnny Carson but let's be honest. The Tonight Show name has lost a bit of its glitz and glamour over the course of the past two years. It is time for Conan to make a name for himself. It is time for TBS to make a name for itself. Ted Turner's television empire has already put TNT into the scripted drama game. TBS has clearly been labeled their comedic counterpart. The relationship works out for both sides. TBS gets an A-list late night host and Conan has more freedom to do his quirky and zany bits and expectations are much lower.

I wish Conan luck. I hope he will take advantage of his new position on the dial and take more risks and be edgy. Conan needs to show America that being on cable at 11pm is a lot more fun than being on network tv. Stick it to them. Hard. He needs to set his show aside from the past 50 years of talk shows. You wanted to be different, Conan. Now is your chance.

THE LAST PLAY AT SHEA * * * * *

2010-10-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

On its surface The Last Play At Shea appears to be a concert film of Billy Joel performing the final concert at Shea Stadium before it was torn down and transformed into a parking lot for the brand new Citi Field. Do not be decieved by your pre-conceptions. The Last Play At Shea is a not a concert film but rather a meticulously crafted documentary told by director Paul Crowder. The film acts as a love song to New York told through the eyes of the millions of people who stepped foot inside Shea Stadium and anchored with soundtrack of Billy Joel's poetic songwriting.

Narrated by Alec Baldwin, The Last Play At Shea tell’s three stories in its short 90 minute running time: The sports history of Shea Stadium, the sociological history of New York since the erection of the stadium, and the unstable life and career of Billy Joel. The insightful interviews with Joel exposes his connection with New York and his love and passion for music and history. He did not feel that he could sell out Shea all by himself so he decides to share the night with other musicians including Tony Bennet, Steven Tyler, Garth Brooks, Roger Daughtry, and John Mayer.

The film puts an emphasis on the first concert held at the stadium in 1965: The Beatles. Joel states that without the Beatles, he would not be the musician he is today. He tells the capacity crowd, “I want to thank the Beatles for allowing us to borrow their room for the night.” The film closes fittingly with Paul McCartney rushing onstage without a sound check or rehearsal and performing Let It Be as the final song ever played in the storied stadium.

Showcasing the turbulent history of New York from the Beatles all the way to September 11th, this film shows that Shea Stadium represented so much to many New Yorkers. It includes hilarious stories including a black cat running onto the field across the Chicago Cubs dugout and costing them a pivotal game against the Mets. It also tells the bone chilling moment when Mike Piazza hit a homerun on September 12th, 2001 to beat the Atlanta Braves and for a moment, something as simple as a sporting event representing so much more to New Yorkers. One person in the film said, “It did not mean things were back to normal. It showed that things could get back to normal.”

The stories told are those of genuine heartfelt emotion and Crowder masterfully succeeds in connecting with his audience. This is a must see for anybody who loves sports, anybody who loves New York, anybody who loves Billy Joel's music, and anybody who loves the human spirit.

(Written by a Red Sox fan)

THE TOWN * * *

2010-09-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Ben Affleck returns to the director’s chair with The Town, a film that follows a group of small town Boston bank robbers and the consequences they must face in their line of work. Affleck shocked the world in 2007 with his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone. His documentary style of filmmaking took what Martin Scorsese did with The Departed and built on it exposing the rough streets of South Boston in a realistically gritty way. The Town is a solid film but it ultimately leaves you a tiny bit disappointed because it is so incredibly close to being a brilliant one.

In Gone Baby Gone, Affleck explored complex characters with several deranged layers. It focused on a taboo subject of child abduction that most people like to pretend does not exist. The Town takes fewer risks in the character department. The characters in The Town unfortunately come across as very one-dimensional. Ben Affleck plays the thief with the heart of gold opposite Rebecca Hall who exhibits the vulnerable victim. Jon Hamm jumps into the role of the cop who will stop at nothing to nail the bad guy. Blake Lively encompasses the role of the tortured drug addict single mother, while Jeremy Renner embodies the villainous gangster who will let nothing stand his way. All of the performances in this film sparkle in their own way considering the lack of character development they are given in the script. Blake Lively surprisingly shines in her limited time on screen but the most powerful performance comes from Jeremy Renner.

Renner shakes the ground of every scene he walks into. Much like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, his mere presence adds an unprecedented amount of tension to every scene. His character is as uncontrollable as he is unpredictable. For Renner’s character, this life of crime is all he knows and there is no escaping it. His rage and desperation are intensely conveyed in an unforgettable way.

The shining light of The Town is Affleck’s ability to piece together action sequences that are visually stunning and heart poundingly suspenseful. Affleck teamed up with director of photography Robert Elswit (Academy Award Winner for There Will Be Blood) and film editor Dylan Tichenor (There Will Be Blood, Magnolia) to succeed admirably in creating a seamlessly rough style. The opening sequence manipulates film and sound editing masterfully to heighten the panic inside the bank during the heist. The car chase in the film’s second act is meticulously crafted and perfectly executed. The final twenty five minutes of the film brings a whole new meaning to the word climax and could possibly substitute for your daily cardio-vascular routine. With The Town, Affleck proves that Gone Baby Gone was not a fluke and that he is a force to be reckoned with behind the camera and will be for years to come.

THE VIRGINITY HIT * * * * *

2010-07-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

Any guy can easily relate to the characters in The Virginity Hit. Four high school guys obsessed with losing their virginity, vow to take a hit from a ceremonial bong each time one of them gives up their v card. On the surface, this film sounds a lot like a refurbished American Pie but your preconceptions could not be farther from the truth. The Virginity Hit is a novel approach to a genre that has been exhausted by Hollywood.

Adam McKay and Will Ferrell serve as producers on this film while Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland take credit as writers and directors. There are several aspects of this film that make it so enjoyable and unique. The style of the film is much like a comedic cross between Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project. It follows a mockumentary formula as the main characters in the film constantly take turns holding the camera to capture the action. It looks sloppy but it is creatively meant to look sloppy. The sound is muffled at times. No problem, they just add subtitles to make sure you do not miss a word. This particular style helps the audience immerse themselves in this adventure.

Enough cannot be said about the cast. Cast with a collection of unknown young actors, The Virginity Hit tries to fool us into thinking that these are not actors but actually genuine teenagers looking to embark on their first step to adulthood. In this respect, it succeeds. The four guys we follow are nothing but a typical collection of losers you could find at any high school across the country but for some reason we do not want to stuff them in a locker but rather we want to join the group for the fun that ensues.

The Virginity Hit is not only a nostalgic look at our adolescent male bonding. It is an exploration of the brotherly love a group of friends can share. It proposes the idea that your friends will do anything for you and even though they may bust your chops and ridicule you for stupid antics, the ribbing comes from a loving place. It does not show these guys as desperate horn dogs. Instead, the film presents us with an honest protagonist who is desperately trying to lose his virginity in a perfect way to his girlfriend he has loved for two years.

The Virginity Hit is a game changer. It is a film that presents a new style for comedy. It proves that you can capture an audience's attention and hearts so long as you have a well-written script and a digital video camera. This will most likely be the hit comedy of the fall and it deserves every bit of success it receives.

Story of Inspiration

2010-07-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

Jordan Leandre became the youngest person ever to sing the National Anthem at Fenway Park in 2004. At the age of 4, he was already a cancer survivor. It was all part of the Red Sox / WEEI Jimmy Fund Radio Telethon. For those of who not familiar with the Jimmy Fund, it is a charity that was founded in 1948 to help raise funds for patient care and fight against children's cancer. It also funds cancer research at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. To date, the charity has raised over $600 million.

In August of 2004, Jordan walked up to home plate and barely able to stand, he sang the ceremonial Star Spangled Banner and was met with a standing ovation. You can see the video below:

Jordan's story does not end there. A few years later, Red Sox starting pitcher Jon Lester was diagnosed with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. When Jordan heard the news, he sent a photo of himself undergoing treatment to Lester with a note reading "I did it, you can do it too."

Three years after Jordan's singing of the National Anthem, he was invited back to sing again in honor of the Jimmy Fund. He was interviewed by WEEI's Glenn Ordway prior to the song. At this point, Jordan's leg braces were gone and he had regained much more use in his legs. Glenn told Jordan that if he ran the bases at Fenway, the crowd would go nuts.

Watch the video below and go to the two minute mark. What you will see is the culmination of one of the most inspirational stories I have ever experienced in my life. To this day, I still cannot watch this video without shedding a tear.

To find out more about the Jimmy Fund, please visit www.JimmyFund.org

SALT * *

2010-07-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

In a film that is packed to capacity with testosterone, it is refreshing to see that this once Tom Cruise vehicle was given a bit of butt kicking estrogen. Angelina Jolie takes over the role of Salt who is a CIA agent suspected of being a Russian spy involved in an assassination plot. The premise is engaging and for the most part well executed. However, the final twenty minutes of the film gives the audience an ending that is contrived and filled with plot holes you could drive a truck through. It seemed as though the writer was more focused on jump starting a new Bourne-like franchise instead of creating a compelling film from start to finish.

Salt is a modern day The Fugitive. Angelina Jolie takes over the part of Harrison Ford and Liev Schreiber takes over the role as Tommy Lee Jones. Where The Fugitive succeeded in creating a believable cat and mouse type game, Salt's action sequences are so over the top and unrealistic that at times it becomes laughable. The film maker asks a whole hell of a lot from his audience. For instance, 15 minutes into the film, we see Evelyn Salt escape from an interrogation room without ever seeing how she managed the initial escape. We are forced to accept the fact that the FBI, the CIA, and the Secret Service are pretty much useless when going head to head with Russian sleeper spies. God forbid they try and protect our politicians, because clearly in the world of Salt, they are utterly incapable.

Salt runs 100 minutes and if you asked me to review this film 80 minutes in, this review may be three or maybe even four stars. Sometimes an ending can ruin a movie. Salt falls under this category. What makes this film so engaging throughout is that even though Evelyn Salt is introduced as the protagonist in the beginning, her actions throughout lead us to think that we may be wrong. It makes the audience constantly struggle with who we are supposed to root for. Without giving away the ending (which includes three twists in the span of 60 seconds), all I will say is that it takes a film that is charging 80 mph down a highway and screeches it to a halt. It treats audience like an idiot that is expected to accept anything and everything put before them. One of the biggest twists of Salt rivaled Ashton Kutcher coming out and saying, "You just got punk'd!" Unacceptable.

The actors do the best they can with the material given. Let's face it, Liev Schreiber electrifies the screen with his subtlety and unpredictability. Angelina Jolie has the tough job of working 50 minutes as a blonde and 50 minutes as a jet black haired villainess (she looks much better in black by the way). The weak part of Jolie's performance comes when she has to show actual affection towards her husband in the film played by August Diehl. Their chemistry is non-existent, which makes sense if she is this Russian spy she is being accused of. However, most scenes with the two never transcend two actors playing house.

Salt reminded me of a film called Arlington Road starring Jeff Bridges and Tim Robbins. Bridges, a professor of a terrorism class at a University, suspects his next door neighbor, Robbins, of being a home grown terrorist. What makes this film so brilliant is that the film allows the audience to doubt whether or not Robbins is good or evil. Salt also follows this formula to a point and this aspect of the film is its strong suit. Arlington Road, however, had the guts to give its audience an ending that leaves them unsettled with a chill sent down their spine. Salt falls flat as it fades to black. Ultimately, the film asks its audience to, "Take our word for it." The film has been marketed with question, "Who is Salt?" Now that I know who Salt is, I hope I do not ever have to see her again.

INCEPTION * * * *

2010-07-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Christopher Nolan lovers will be happy to see that the auteur of summer blockbusters has come back strongly with another wildly imaginative film. Instead of exploring the themes of morality and terror as he did in The Dark Knight he explores the vivid world of our subconcious and then some. He meticulously knits each stitch of the story together with such detail until the final product is a suspensefully mesmerizing quilt. The stakes are not as high in this film as they were in The Dark Knight but it still brings you to the edge of your seat.

Inception is much smarter than most summer blockbusters. It forces you as the viewer to hold onto every word and image as you get swept away into this sea of imagination. Where The Dark Knight had the overall feeling of impending doom and chaos, Inception is different in that it tells its story with grace.

This is a film that should not be spoiled in its plot points and character development. So I will not do so. Christopher Nolan has such ambition to tackle the world of dreams and he has such an incredible talent to be able to tell that story through the vehicle of a summer blockbuster that will attract crowds and ultimately make an astounding amount of money. Nolan has the talent to make a two and half hour film but still leave us with wanting more.

Leonardo DiCaprio's delivers a fine performance in this film considering he is the only character with any kind of motivation. The script does not focus on the characters as much as it focuses on the world of the dreams. It still works. I was pleasantly surprised with Ellen Page as the innocent unknowing newbie to the crew of extractors. British actor Tom Hardy brings an excellent amount of charm and swagger to a film that is lacking in that department. Speaking of lacking, Joseph Gordon-Levitt delivers one of his worst performances I have seen to date. It is unfortunate because he is a truly gifted actor but he comes across as wooden and stiff. He lacks any kind personality and he delivers his dialogue in the vain of a book on tape.

The film's ending and its final frame will likely spark debate and require multiple viewings to fully grasp. The bottom line is the Christopher Nolan is one of the very few writer directors who is imaginative, ambitious, and original that can still get $200 million from a studio to make his projects. He can do this because he can guarantee a return on their investment. The best part about Nolan is that he is so young (he turns 40 at the end of July) and not afraid to challenge his mass audiences. Hopefully he continues to challenge us for years to come. He is batting a thousand and I love watching him swing for the fences.

LEBRON'S NEW WORLD ORDER

2010-07-12T21:36:00.001-07:00

Millions of people sat down last Thursday night and tuned in to ESPN to watch "The Decision". Aside from the fact that this whole spectacle was a narcissistic manipulation of fans (I can spend days analyzing that shit storm), we witnessed a transformation of a player who some felt had the potential to become the greatest basketball player of all time. Typically when you think of the greatest players of all time we think of names like Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Bill Russell. LeBron has potential, however, what he did last Thursday was tarnish his reputation as the self proclaimed "King James". The manner in which he handled the situation was selfish and self-indulgent. The city of Cleveland, which still has not fully recovered from the 2007 ALCS against the Red Sox, deserved better. He turned his back on his fans and turned heel. Sound familiar?

Two months ago, I wrote a blog post the night LeBron and the Cavaliers lost to the Celtics that watching LeBron walk off that court was cryptically similar to watching WCW's Bash at the Beach in July of 1996. I wrote this long before Bill Simmons did for his ESPN column and in fact told him about my comparison several times on twitter.

For those of you who are not educated (yes I just said educated) in the workings of professional wrestling, let me give you a quick course. The "Baby-Face" is the good guy. He is adored by fans and wins matches cleanly. He typically has to overcome insurmountable odds to ultimately reach the top. The "Heel" is the bad guy. He gives low blows (crotch shots), pokes the eyes, has cronies interfere, and cheats in order to stay on top. He is hated by fans no matter what he does. What makes pro-wrestling so interesting is the shifting of those two dynamics. It is difficult to turn a baby-face into a heel. Your top baby-face is responsible for bringing in the most amount of merchandise dollars and is truly the face of your brand. In 1996, head booker (writer) Eric Bischoff shocked the wrestling world when he turned the Immortal Hulk Hogan heel. Witness for yourself:

It is eerily similar to the LeBron situation. Scott Hall and Kevin Nash have been replaced by Duane Wade and Chris Bosh and just when you think Hogan (LeBron) is going to come and save the day for the underdogs (Cleveland), he drops his leg and joins forces to form the nWo (New World Order). This moment is not a small moment in the long history of professional wrestling but rather it was the turning point of the entire industry. It was a moment that fans, despite knowing it was pre-written, felt betrayed and hurt. I guarantee that if LeBron made his announcement in front of his loyal fans of Cleveland, he would have had bottles and cups flying at him just like Hogan. Hogan looks back at Nash and Hall and proclaims, "This is the future of wrestling!" Sound familiar? LeBron joined forces to create the future of the NBA with Duane Wade and Chris Bosh. Hogan also proclaims how he made people rich in the organization of WCW and gave his heart and soul and got nothing in return. LeBron's actions spoke the same words. So what does this mean? Is life imitating art? (Yes I just called pro-wrestling art...deal with it)

Now that the nWo has formed down in Miami with the Heat, we must look to the future. I felt a connection between Hogan's heel turn and LeBron's free agent decision months ago so let's use the same example to predict the future. The nWo became an unprecedented stable (team of wrestlers) that dominated pro-wrestling for years to come. However, it was not just Hogan, Nash, and Hall. They were the catalysts. They attacked anybody who got in their way and left a mark. Ultimately, many wrestlers felt if they could not beat them, they should join them.

For years to come, fans witnessed wrestlers turning their backs on the fans and joining the nWo because they felt it was the best opportunity to help them win. Sound familiar? Expect to see many players defect to the Miami Heat. Rumors say Chris Paul is already interested. The Miami Heat have become the New World Order of the NBA. It is now time for the rest of the NBA to step up and fight. Hulk Hogan's heel turn was the biggest heel turn in the history of professional wrestling. LeBron James now holds the trophy for having the most monumental heel turn in NBA history.

Who will step up? Maybe Cleveland will come up with a squad that will defy the odds and dethrone King James. In pro-wrestling, this would likely happen. In the realistic world of the NBA, it will not. Hopefully next year I will be comparing the Celtics to the Four Horsemen as the team who stood up and fought to victory.

But that is a whole other story...

KNIGHT AND DAY * * *

2010-06-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Knight and Day is an experiment in the ridiculous. If you accept the fact that the film is supposed to be a brainless action packed romantic comedy then you will no doubt have a great time. Tom Cruise carries the entire film with a larger than life persona with more charisma we have seen out of him since Jerry Maguire. His performance is so big in fact that at times it feels like the camera is trying to keep up with him hoping not to miss a beat. For the first time in a long time, we are supposed to laugh at the performance he is giving. Unlike Ethan Hunt, the former spy character he played in the Misson: Impossible franchise, Cruise's character in Knight named Roy Miller has too much fun being a rogue agent running for his life. He never ceases to miss an opportunity to compliment June Haven (Diaz) whether it be how she looks in a dress, shooting skills, or driving during a high speed chase.

This is one of Cameron Diaz' better performances as well. On the surface it seems as if she is just playing the typical scared girl hoping the mysteriously dangerous spy will save her from danger. Peel back the surface and you can see that she plays comedic anxiety with perfection in this movie. I do not consider it one of the greatest performances I have seen in the past decade, but for this tongue in cheek film, it works well.

"Knight and Day" is helmed by James Mangold, the director of Walk the Line and 3:10 to Yuma. Mangold is no stranger to a romantic comedy. He also directed the disappointing Kate & Leopold. With Knight, he learns manages to balance romantic comedy with a generous helping of violent action sequences. Mangold successfully entertains us throughout this film to the point where we do not care that we went from Boston to Spain to Austria all in ten minutes!

Where the film steers of course is in its use of CGI. It falls into the Live Free or Die Hard category. When the fourth installment of Die Hard was released, I felt cheated with the abundance of CGI because it was a franchise built on action that involved no visual effects. Knight and Day would have benefitted from cutting back on the computer effects because they become distracting and glaringly ridiculous looking. However, in a film that I called an experiment in the ridiculous, I guess I cannot complain too much about some silly looking CGI when the entire film is two hours of silly summer fun. It is what is. Go to the theatre with your tongue nestled comfortably in your cheek and you will not leave disappointed.

TOY STORY 3 * * * *

2010-06-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Making a third installment to a franchise over a decade after the previous installment typically ends in disaster (see Indiana Jones 4). Weary fans of the Toy Story franchise flocking to theatres will not be disappointed in the third. Woody, Buzz, and the gang are back with a whole new adventure that features a grown up Andy getting ready to pack up his life and move off to college. Andy’s toys, worried about their place in Andy’s life, must adjust to a new stage in their lives as well.

Pixar carved its name into the tree of brilliant filmmaking years ago. Rejuvenating a franchsie that had not seen the light of day for 11 years seemed like a step in the wrong direction. However, the geniuses over at Pixar knew that there was one more story to tell using these toys. Pixar has the ability of creating films with hilarious phyiscal comedy and gags that will keep a 6 year old entertained while also exploring themes and emotions that will leave a 36 year old crying.

In Toy Story 3, Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the gang experience the most human of emotions: neglect. With Andy moving off to college, they try and convince themselves that they still hold a place in Andy's life. Their responsibility as toys is to be there for Andy when he needs them. However, the toys soon realize that, like any human being, they must move on to the next stage of their lives. They go through denial as they refuse to accept that Andy has grown up. They go through the pain of not feeling needed by the one person they love the most. Sure they go on an adventure that rivals that of "The Great Escape", but the true story being told in this film the search for a new meaning in these toys' lives.

I feel that great filmmakers can make films that plays well to the masses while not compromising their artistic inegrity. Filmmakers like Michael Bay can spew out brainless action movies that make $500 million while other filmmakers make critical masterpieces that never reach the eyes of the public. Pixar is a company that focuses on story and character. They meticulously tell their tales in a way that children find fascinating and entertaining on one level all while adults are entertained and identify with the characters on a different level. Pixar has shown over the past fifteen years that blockbusters do not need to be brainless. Instead, they can explore the most human of emotions and insecurities while making you laugh out load. Toy Story 3 was a fitting end to the trilogy that did justice to all of its characters. The director chose to end the film with the exact same camera shot the original Toy Story began with. In doing so, he ended the trilogy with a poignant visual that instilled its audience with a calming sense of closure. Pixar is batting a thousand and it does not seem like they will strike out any time soon.

Finale Farewell

2010-05-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

This past week many of us said goodbye to two of our favorite television shows. Lost puzzled and frustrated us while keeping our brains constantly working for six years. 24 gave us an American hero in Jack Bauer and a thrilling sense of patriotism. Both finales went in incredibly different directions but they were quite different shows. Lost gave us a metaphysical answer to a science fiction question and allowed its audience a bit of closure. 24 on the other had not only left the show open to a big screen adaptation but pretty much set up the plot for the motion picture tentatively to be released in 2012.

While it was hard to say goodbye to Jack Shepherd and Jack Bauer, neither show will go down as the BEST or WORST Series Finales ever. So let's explore some of the best and worst series finales ever to grace our television screens.

THE WORST:

Seinfeld [May 14th, 1998]

You may be a super fan and defend this series finale but the truth is that it was a disappointment. After years of incredibly written situational comedy, the series ended with a clip show and a lame ending. It was not the type of series finale that left you laughing hysterically and gave you absolutely no closure. Granted, the characters were not the type you felt emotionally close to but it would have been nice for the finale to have gone a different direction other than bringing back every guest star to rehash the episodes we had already seen.

The Sopranos [June 10th, 2007]

The Sopranos will forever be known as one of the greatest television dramas of all time and it pioneered the type of television dramas we watch today. However, the episode prior to the finale was so breath taking and suspenseful that the final episode seemed more like a somber stroll through the park rather than a high paced suspensful race. I am sure David Chase purposely engineered the show's final season that way and I respect the way he ended the series, however, I felt the final episode felt like a delivery truck slowly backing up rather than pushing forward until it comes to a hault. When I look back at the series, the final episode would not be in my top ten favorite episodes, so in that respect I think it failed. Plus it left way too much to interpretation. It was fine up until the point we all thought our cable went out.

Roseanne [May 20th, 1997]

Awful. Awful. Awful. So you are telling me that this whole television show was a fucking novel written by Roseanne?! This is a perfect example of writers overthinking and alienating their audience. You cannot spend 9 years with these characters then reveal in the last episode that the whole thing was bullshit. It's a sitcom! Make me laugh. Make me cry a little. But do not manipulate me. Just fast forward to the end to see how shitty this series finale is. There is nothing like watching someone type while listening to a boring monologue to bring an otherwise brilliant series to a screeching hault.

THE BEST

Six Feet Under [August 21st, 2005]

The show was about death. It showed us the fragility of life as it made us invested in each character's life. The only way to end this show would be with an emotional montage.

The Wire [May 10th, 2008]

The Wire is one of the best written series of all time. The show showed the city of Baltimore as a corrupt den of dirty politics, drug wars, and hopeless education. McNulty looks on at the city of Baltimore as we have seen it through the series introspective eye. Once again, a dramatic montage that tells the story of a city was a poetic end to this gritty crime drama. It showed us that despite all the change that had gone on throughout the city, much would remain the same.

Cheers [May 20th, 1993]

We got the chance to say goodbye to all of the beloved characters. We got to say goodbye to the bar. This is the only way this series could have ended. I am glad the writers agreed.

The Shield [November 25th, 2008]

The Shield was a Shakespearean type show where we got to see a character rise and fall in a realistic way. The final episode of The Shield is, in my opinion, the greatest series finale of all time. Vic Mackey loses everything. He thinks he has outsmarted the FBI into getting an immunity deal plus a career in the bureau. However, two of his best friends are gone and the deal he made through the FBI throws his last living friend in prison. His wife takes his kids and moves far away hoping to never see him again. Vic thinks he will be patroling the streets with an FBI badge but he realizes he will be stuck in an office writing reports for the rest of his career. This finale is filled with shocks, chilling moments, extraordinary writing, and brilliant acting. No other show would rely on its leading man to spend over a minute on screen with no dialogue to convey much more than any words could. The Shield wins the title as the best series finale ever. If you have not seen the series, watch it.

LeBron James turns heel! Good God almighty!

2010-05-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

What a game! I predicted Celtics in 6 games. Am I a genius? Yes. Was it a lucky guess? Maybe. Is it usually what every fan says about his hometown team? Probably. To be perfectly honest, I did not expect the Boston Celtics to make it out of the first round against the Miami Heat. They proved me wrong. I did not think they could get past LeBron James. They proved me wrong. Should I start getting faith in the Celtics? Hell no! I cannot jinx it now. My negativity towards the Celtics is clearly helping them win games. That and the spectacular playing by Rajon Rondo (my newest man crush).

As much as the Celtics win had me yelling and screaming with excitement to the point of eviction from my apartment, I think the real story is LeBron James. 18,000 drunk Bostonians seemed to think he was going to the Knicks. Some people think the Bulls or the Heat. Who knows? All I know is that if I hear anybody compare LeBron James to Michael Jordan ever again, I will just show them this game.

Sure he had a triple double. For you non sports fans that means double digits in three categories: points, rebounds, and assists. The little known fact is that LeBron was 1 turnover away from a quadruple double. What a monumental night it would have been if he achieved that.

I watched the game end and saw LeBron congratulating Garnett and Pierce. When he congratulated Rajon Rondo (once again, my new man crush), I almost expected him to pull out a steel chair and smash it over Rondo's back. As the Boston fans booed, James would then pull out a table and power bomb Rondo through it and leave the arena with a smug smirk on his face. All that was needed were an ample amount of boos and coke bottles being thrown towards him.

A reporter strangely resembling Mean Gene Okerlund runs up to LeBron James as he takes off his Cavaliers jersey.

Reporter: What were you thinking LeBron. We are all just shocked.
LeBron: Listen Stuart, I gave everything I had to Cleveland. I worked my ass off for them for years and never reached the top. I tried to be nice, I tried to be a team player but clearly it is not enough. I hear ESPN telling me that Rondo is playing better than me. Look who is standing. LEBRON IS STANDING! It is time for a change. I am done catering to the fans of a second rate city. The fans of Cleveland can stick it. (He spits on the jersey) The Celtics have not seen the last of me!

Maybe I am being a bit dramatic. Maybe. However, the after game ceremonies reminded much like the infamous heel turn of Hulk Hogan at Bash at the Beach 1996 when he formed the NWO (New World Order). Hulk Hogan is the man who put pro-wrestling on the map. He told kids to drink their milk and take their vitamins. He was the good guy (the babyface). In 1996, WCW took the risk of turning him into a bad guy (the heel). Risky? Yes. Awesome? Hell yes.

How awesome would it be if professional sports was like pro-wrestling. LeBron turns heel and signs with the New York Knicks. The Knicks, a non-threatening mid-card performer, quickly become a threatening stable that shake the foundation of the NBA. Now the Celtics and the Cavaliers must join forces and put aside their differences in order to defeat the bad guy. How awesome would it be if you could have a triple threat cage match with the Celtics, Cavaliers, and Knicks in 2011. A man can dream.

Seriously though, LeBron is most likely going to the Knicks. He will become the guy every fan in the league loves to hate because he took the big paycheck to go the city that never sleeps. We'll love to boo him. Will he win a championship with the Knicks? Maybe, maybe not. The truth is that the NBA finals will be overshadowed with the speculation of where LeBron James will end up next season. Wherever he ends up may tip the scale of the conference. All I know is that the Celtics pulled out the unexpected victory and will move on to face the Orlando Magic. LeBron will sit at home and contemplate his next attack. Too bad this season is done for you. Maybe LeBron should have taken a page out of Hogan's book. Change the game. Surprise the fans.

I think Hulk Hogan said it best back in July of 1996:

IRON MAN 2 * *

2010-05-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

If you were to ask me what Iron Man 2 was about I do not think I would be able to answer the question. Jon Favreau takes his 2008 blockbuster hit and delivers a sequel that seems incredibly random and unfocused. The film tries to be too clever for its own good. Iron Man 2 features little to no plot and feels more like a collection of sketches interspersed with stylized music video type fight scenes.

Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow return in their roles from the first film. Don Cheadle replaces Terrence Howard. Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell are probably the most welcomed additions. Sam Jackson does what he can with his scenes while Scarlett Johansson brings every scene she is in to a screeching halt.

There was a rumor last year that Iron Man 2 was being shot with little script. I am sure they had an outline but after watching some of the scenes, it was clear that the dialogue was not polished. At one time, Paltrow and Downey step on each others' lines almost as if they were improvising the entire scene to begin with. I sat in the theatre watching this film and felt embarrassed at certain moments for what was going on. Mickey Rourke is fascinating to watch as he embodies his role but unfortunately we mostly see him stuck in a laboratory engineering instead of building him as a true threat to the protagonist. Even when he finally shows up in the final fight scene, the end was more anti-climactic than Tyson Holyfield II. The final scene is stifled with explosions and fireworks but never do you feel that Tony Stark is in any bit of danger.

Iron Man 2 does not deliver in action, drama, or thrills. The comedy seems forced and contrived. Favreau was so focused on crowbarring in pointless inside jokes that he lost focus on the true test at hand. He took his 2008 film Iron Man which featured strong performances and solid story and whipped up Iron Man 2 which was more of a circus than it was a film.

High Point: Mickey Rourke's performance and overall screen presence was this film's biggest strength. Also, Sam Rockwell delivers wonderfully as the pathetic competitor of Tony Stark.

Lowest Point: Scarlett Johansson may as well have been replaced by a brick wall. She brought absolutely nothing to each scene. The other low point in this film is Tony Stark's talking computer named Jarvis. When Jarvis states, "Congratulations. You have created a new element," I almost lost it.

Feeling LOST while watching LOST: SPOILERS ALERT!

2010-05-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

Initially, I felt last night's episode was exciting and what we should expect out of the final season of a television show. Perhaps this feeling only occurred because the previous episodes in the season felt like they belonged on a different program altogether (A full hour episode on Libby and Hurley, really?).

Finally last night we saw something HAPPEN. We finally saw characters die that we didn't meet 3 minutes prior. I always love when Lost introduces a random character with no name because I know in 15 minutes he will either blow up, get shot, or get his neck snapped by John Locke. But upon further review of last night's episode, I have come to the realization that the Lost writers are doing a piss poor job.

Example #1: Jack tells Sawyer that Locke wanted to get them all in one place so that they can kill each other. Aren't the writers of Lost doing the same thing? I imagine a meeting where writers sit down with their expensive salads and writer #22 says, "Hey guys? How do we get a bunch of characters in one place so we can kill them off in less than 5 minutes?" Sounds a lot like Locke right? Let's be honest about Lost. If you watch the first 5 minutes and then watch the last 10 minutes of each episode, you really have not missed much. The writers have backed themselves into a corner with very little time left to explain a whole hell of a lot. They get no sympathy from me because they knew this show was ending two years ago. It is not like they got the call this week that they were getting cancelled.

Example #2: Frank Lepidus. I have heard four people this morning ask, "What happened to Frank Lepidus?" Answers included: I think he got away, the door smashed him, he drowned, etc. My problem is that when Jack, Hurley, Sawyer, and Kate sit on the beach after the escape, Kate asks about Sun and Jin. She does not ask about Frank.

Who cares about Frank? I CARE ABOUT FRANK! Clearly the writers of Lost do not. They needed to get rid of him so they give him the lamest death ever, death by door.

Example #3: Yes the scene between Sun and Jin was emotional. "I will never leave you again." I find it amazing how much more dramatic that line was because it was said in Korean. While watching this emotional exchange, I could not stop thinking about their daughter. Clearly, they were not thinking about their daughter. When you have a child, that child becomes your reason to live. Jin had yet to meet his daughter.

I feel that a more proper ending would have been Sun telling Jin to go take care of their daughter. That way, Sun spent time with her at the beginning and now Jin gets to raise her from that point forward. It would have been poetic.

Example #4: I hope the writers of Lost answer the big questions we all have. This alternate timeline is becoming pointless and lame. The writers do not want to commit to whether these characters live or die so they kill them in one timeline only for them to live in another. I really do not need to see Jack walk around Los Angeles for 40 minutes each week bumping into people on his flight. I don't care.

The bottom line is that Lost created such vivid characters in its first season. The show was less about plot and more about character. The writing team is not doing these characters justice. They have turned these brilliant characters into pawns in their slow paced game of chess. Unfortunately, to most fans, this last season has felt more like checkers.

The First TCM Classic Film Festival

2010-04-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

From time to time, living in Los Angeles can have its perks. This weekend was one of those times. I had the distinct pleasure to attend the Turner Classic Movies Classic Film Festival in Hollywood and it was an incredible experience. The intersection of Hollywood and Highland was busy with film enthusiasts, historians, and journalists as they attended special screenings of films such as SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, CASABLANCA, METROPOLIS, and BREATHLESS among many other well loved classics.

I had the pleasure of attending a 9:30am screening of one of my favorite musicals DAMN YANKEES on Sunday. In 1996, I was 10 years old and played a chorus boy in an adult rendition of the show in Brockton, MA and have felt a closeness to the musical since then. Add to that the fact that I am a Red Sox fan and a movie entitled DAMN YANKEES is a pleasure to watch.

Famed film critic and historian Leonard Maltin opened the film with a brief lecture and commended us sitting in the seats for waking up so early, "It is easy to come to a 9pm showing on a Saturday night. The real die hards come out on Sunday morning." Shown on a 35mm print, seeing this film on a big screen with a live audience was like experiencing it for the first time. Collective laughter and applause filled the room following gags and musical numbers. For the duration of the film I felt as if I was experiencing this film as audiences did back in 1958.

Following the film, we had the pleasure of witnessing an interview with the film's star Tab Hunter. The 79 year old actor talked about how he was the only actor in the film that did not play his role on Broadway. He was originally fired from the job. When filming was set to begin at Warner Bros. there was a musician strike. Therefore, the entire cast was able to sing to their Broadway cast recordings... except Tab. "I had to sing everything a Capella. It was very difficult." Tab also talked about his career saying, "In Hollywood, you learn a lot by doing and then you learn what not to do next time." Tab was a true gentleman and all in all the screening was a delight to watch.

Later in the day I attended a screening of one of my favorite films of all time: Billy Wilder's SOME LIKE IT HOT. The American Film Institute got it right when it named this film the #1 comedy of all time. To add to the screening was the honor of being in the same room as the legendary actor Tony Curtis. I have to admit it was very emotional seeing Tony being wheeled into the theatre to a thunderous standing ovation. He sat down and spoke of many stories. Tony knew when he told a lame story saying, "That was an aimless story but I guess life is filled with aimless stories."

You could tell that Tony loved to tell stories. He spoke of how Jack Lemmon and he would sneak into the ladies room in their costumes to see if they could fool the women on the lot. They failed. In fact, while being fitted for the dresses they would wear in the film, the costume designer measured every inch of their body. When it came time to measure Marilyn Monroe, she walked out in panties and a negligee. As the costume designer wrapped the tape around Monroe's butt, he said, "Marilyn, Tony Curtis has a nicer ass than you." Marilyn quickly turned around, opened her negligee and proclaimed, "Yeah, but he does not have tits like these."

Tony was very honest about working with Marilyn. He claimed she was very difficult to work with because she needed everything explained to her. In a scene, she asked the director which hand she should hold a champagne glass in. Billy Wilder frustratingly replied, "Whichever hand you got!" Tony had some insight into Marilyn Monroe's demons as well. "Marilyn was rattled by the human condition," he said. "From a very young age, she was fooled and tricked by men and when it came time to act in a film, she could not trust the people giving her direction without explaining everything first."

But it was not all misery. During their kissing scene Tony claimed Marilyn asked him if he had an erection. He quickly bounced back with, "No, I don't have one on me, but I can go get you one."

The film was spectacular. Seeing a 1959 film in the Egyptian Theatre was a communal experience that few can have. The crowd erupted in laughter at the witty screwball comedy. The crowd included people of many generations coming together to enjoy a classic comedic film. Seeing a young Tony Curtis onscreen puckering his lips and putting on his "Josephine" voice was followed by immense cheering.

Following the film, the audience stood and applauded Tony's performance. You could tell this was a very emotional experience for the man who graciously took off his cowboy hat and thanked the crowd for their laughter and acclamation. He ended the showing by apologizing for showing up in a wheelchair. "I am recovering from pneumonia and my legs seem to have forgotten how to work. But do not worry, I will teach them to work again. Thank you." I like to think that if Tony's days on this planet are numbered, the standing ovation he received that night will give him a great sense of pride for the wonderful career he has had and the immortality he has achieved.

The Turner Classic Movies Classic Film Festival clearly was a huge success with many sold out shows and a great deal of interest. The films and special guests made it an unforgettable experience for me and I cannot wait to attend next year.

NFL Draft 2010 - The Greatest Show On Earth

2010-04-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

With ESPN's live coverage of the 2010 NFL Draft, you would have thought the United States was electing a new President. This year's draft was moved to prime time because finally the NFL realized how much its fans love to watch the special event. This year was no different. The NFL even had added curiosity going into the draft due to the suspension of Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh said they would be willing to trade their two time Superbowl winning quarterback in exchange for a top 10 pick. Gee, is there something the Steelers and Commissioner Roger Goodell are not telling us? Maybe Big Ben looks to be too big of a liability to any team because nobody took the bait. Not even the Oakland Raiders.

There were no real surprises in the first round. The St. Louis Rams were in need of a quarterback to run their offense and they did so in drafting Sam Bradford. Following the expected drafting of Bradford, the early first round weighed heavily on offensive linemen and defensive ends. I do not want to recap the entire draft because you can read up on all of that information on ESPN.com or NFL.com and trust me, they will do a damn better job than me. I wanted to write about the draft because I want to know what the hell is Josh McDaniels is doing with the Denver Broncos.

As a lifelong New England Patriots fan, I experienced the offensive prowess that Josh McDaniels can bring to a team. He masterminded the explosive record breaking offense the Patriots had in 2007. I wished him the best when he left New England to take over the Broncos. McDaniels considers himself a QB guru. I feel that his dream as NFL coach is to take a QB that nobody believes in and turn him into a superstar. Sounds a lot like Tom Brady doesn't it? So what does McDaniels do as soon as he takes over for Mike Shanahan in Denver? He ships Jay Cutler to the Bears in Chicago and takes on a work in progress in Kyle Orton. At the beginning of the 2009 season Josh McDaniels looked like a masterful genius. They went 6-0 to start off the season including a suprising dramatic win over Bill Belichick and the Patriots. Things did not go this well for long.

You cannot put the blame on Kyle Orton. Kyle Orton just became...well... he became Kyle Orton. The 2009 Broncos ended the season 8-8 and missed the playoffs. Ok Josh, it is 2010 and it is time to start from scratch. What are we going to do to make sure we make the playoffs this year? Josh got Brady Quinn on his squad to backup Orton in QB spot. Josh also answered with trading their best receiver Brandon Marshall to the Miami Dolphins for a 2nd round draft pick. We had all heard about the animosity between McDaniels and Marshall, but the bottom line is as a coach you need to learn to control egos and turn a guy like Marshall into a team leader (see Bill Belichick and Randy Moss).

So here we are at the NFL Draft and Denver looks like the busiest team inside Radio City Music Hall. I imagine Josh McDaniels running around the room to all of the other GM's begging to trade draft picks like a 10 year old looking to trade his entire stack of Pokemon cards for one Pikachu. Roger Goodell walked up to the podium and announced, "With the 22nd pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the Denver Broncos draft Demaryius Thomas, wide receiver out of Georgia Tech." On paper, this did not seem to be a terrible pick but it felt like McDaniels got rid of Brandon Marshall and spent his first round draft pick on getting a Brandon Marshall look a like. Oh well, he still has plenty of picks left... Oh wait, no he does not.

At the end of the first round I imagine Josh McDaniels running around to the other GM's with his Pikachu card begging them to trade with him. It is almost like he is already bored with his Pikachu card and just gets off on trading. He trades and here came the draft announcement that was met with silence and a rumbling of boos.

Roger Goodell went up to that podium as he loves to do and announced that with the 25th pick overall, the Denver Broncos pick Tim Tebow, quarterback out of Florida. WHAAAAAAAAT?

I know I am not going to be the only one who second guesses this decision. Did Josh McDaniels just give up two draft picks in the 2nd and 3rd round to draft a 3rd string quarterback? Nobody believe Tim Tebow has what it takes to be a successful NFL quarterback. He doesn't like to drop back and prefers to work from shotgun. No shit, I would prefer to work from the shotgun too dummy. Josh McDaniels sees a project with Tim Tebow. He sees an opportunity to prove the rest of the NFL wrong and to be the man who did it. But seriously Josh, is this worth it? You have Kyle Orton, Brady Quinn, and now Tim Tebow. It sounds to me that Josh McDaniels was over thinking the first round of this year's draft. He was getting drunk off the excitement and wanted to make headlines. I wonder how he is going to feel when he wakes up all hungover. Tim Tebow is, at best, two years away from starting in the National Football League. Josh McDaniels needs to realize that if the Broncos blow their chances at a playoff spot in the next couple of years, Josh McDaniels may be out of a job and some other guru (Jon Gruden is looking for a job) will be calling the plays at mile high stadium.

Take a good look at him Denver fans. This the guy Josh McDaniels compromised the rest of his draft to get. It looks to me like there are too many cooks in the QB kitchen over in Denver. But hey, I could be wrong.

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2009

2010-02-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

2009 was a disappointing year in movies to say the least. There were plenty of "OK" movies and others that could be labeled as "pretty good". The problem is that no movie blew me away. There were several great performances, well-written scripts, and directorial achievements. Unlike years past, there were few movies that featured all three. Without any further build up, here are my Top 10 Movies of 2009.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

J.J. Abrams took a cheesy science fiction franchise and turned it into the must see summer blockbuster of 2009. Complete with excellent actors, a compelling story, and perfect visual effects, STAR TREK did not disappoint one bit. Peter Jackson did one good thing this year. He attached his name as a Producer to Neill Blomkamp's innovative DISTRICT 9. THE LOVELY BONES was an utter mess whereas DISTRICT 9 was precise and a scienfe fiction movie we have never seen as an audience. The documentary style made the film so much more dramatic and believable. DISTRICT 9 was a home run and the beginning of Neill Blomkamp's long creative career.

10. THE HURT LOCKER

The director of POINT BREAK directed a movie about and Iraq bomb specialist? She's a woman? Kathryn Bigelow shows she can play with the big boys with this incredibly simple, yet bone chillingly suspenseful war film. Jeremy Renner's performance proves he is ready to be a leading man in Hollywood. The hand held camera puts you in the middle of Iraq with these familiar characters and you follow the explosive journey from beginning to end.

THE HURT LOCKER keeps you on the edge of your seat as Renner cuts each individual wire. It is a war movie without an agenda to hammer home. It was one of the biggest surprises of the year.

9. A SINGLE MAN

Tom Ford leaves the world of fashion to direct his first film but do not think to yourselves that he has forgotten the world of fashion. Ford's style is incredibly colorful and beautiful at times. IT is almost too beautiful of a style for a movie about a suicidal gay man played impeccably by Colin Firth.

Colin Firth does what few actors can do. He shapes his face so that without a word of dialogue the audience can identify with his pain and suffering. A SINGLE MAN features one of the best performances of the year.

8. CRAZY HEART

Here is a another flawed movie that features a flawless performance. Jeff Bridges plays the tortured country music singer named Bad Blake. He struggles with the fact that he never maintained his spot at the top and he comforts that pain by drowning himself in alcohol before each pathetic performance.

Bridges' character finally finds hope in a woman and her young son. His life is in such a state of chaos that it bleeds into their lives. Jeff Bridges is a wonder to watch on screen. CRAZY HEART features the best music of the year and I say that as a hater of country music. Colin Farrell does an excellent job playing the younger country music icon who Bridges mentored. Their duets are incredibly fun to watch and listen to. Go see CRAZY HEART for Brdiges performance and relive it over again by listening to the soundtrack.

7. BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL - NEW ORLEANS

Werner Herzog claims he had never seen the original Harvey Keitel film prior to directing this re-imagining. Maybe he did; maybe he didn't. Whatever the case, he has directed a disturbing yet utterly entertaining film featuring the acting return of Nicholas Cage.

Where did Nicholas Cage go you ask? He went on a ship sailing across the world stopping at every bad movie he seemed to find along the way. I typically dislike Nicholas Cage as an actor but his performance in this film is so over the top entertaining that you cannot help but applaud when the credits roll. He plays a drug addicted dirty cop who is constantly hallucinating. Nicholas Cage runs away with this character and fills the holes that were left with a second-rate plot.

6. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

Many movies try their best to make you think about your childhood. Very few are able to put you right back into your childhood spirit. Spike Jonze took the impossible task of adapting the beloved book to the silver screen. He added depth and raw emotion to each and every character to make them unforgettable.

Many attacked Jonze for making the film too dark and too depressing. I disagree. I think Jonze's ultimate theme was focusing on the relationship between between a mother and her child and a child's appreciation for that undying devotion. He succeeds incredibly while leaving you with simple shot that will make you tear up and give you goosebumps.

5. AVATAR

Say what you will about AVATAR. I understand that this story is incredibly unoriginal. We have seen this same story in Pocahantas, Dances with Wolves, and Ferngully among others. Titanic was no different. Yet again, Cameron takes a lackluster plot and familiar characters and pours on gallons of stunningly beautiful visuals and imagery to distract us.

I understand that AVATAR is flawed in many ways. However, very few directors this year showed the courage and imagination as James Cameron. He has taken 3-D to the next level and shown that if put in the right hands, it can bring you into a whole new world.

4. UP
Pixar does it again. The genius behind Pixar is that they take a plot that is attractive to kids and they involve characters that adults can identify with. So many adjectives are thrown around to describe movies: brilliant, amazing, incredible, etc. The first 10 minutes of UP was the most magnificent piece of visual film making done this year.

If you have seen UP then you understand what I am talking about. If you have not seen UP... see it. Where UP succeeds the most is that the director breaks your heart in the first ten minutes of the film and spends the next 90 minutes trying to rebuild it. UP touches on all of your deeper emotions and instead of manipulating them, it challenges them. I am not afraid to say that my eyes welled up three times throughout this film. Sometimes it takes a crazy old man, a little boy, and house strapped with balloons to make you feel fragile.

3. JULIE & JULIA

This was hands down one of the most fun movies of the year. Meryl Streep proves once again that she is the best actress of her generation. Unlike Jamie Foxx in RAY, Streep does not imitate Julia Child but instead she brings her to life with such charisma and charm. Stanley Tucci wonderfully plays her husband and the chemistry between Streep and Tucci is so utterly natural that it does not feel like they are acting at all.

I personally enjoyed Amy Adams' storyline as well. The dual biopic structure of this film was inventive. Sure Adams' character comes across as obnoxious at times, but I still found her to be sympathetic and enjoyable. Streep portrays Julia Child with such joy that you do not want to leave her at any point throughout the film. Nora Ephron takes us on a tasty journey through the culinary and personal lives of two women and leaves us satisfied in every which way.

2. AN EDUCATION

If you told me at the beginning of the year that my #2 movie of 2009 would be a coming of age story about a girl in 1960s London, I would have laughed in your face. AN EDUCATION is a simple film that is driven by an unblemished performance delivered by Carey Mulligan.

Carey Mulligan plays Jenny, a 16 year old girl who goes to private school and aspires to go to college to become independent. This plan goes awry when she falls in love with an older gentleman played by Peter Sarsgaard. Suddenly, the girl who thinks she is so smart realizes that she has a lot to learn about life.

I cannot think of one bad thing to say about this film. The characters are well-written. The cast does an incredible job in bringing them to life. The director shows incredible self-restraint and uses the actors to tell the story instead of constantly manipulating the camera. This is a small independent film that deserves attention. See it for Carey Mulligan's performance or see it for the thought provoking plot. Either way, you will not be disappointed.

1. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

When I saw Quentin Tarantino's new endeavor this past summer, I enjoyed it thoroughly but did not expect it to top my list of the year. After re-visiting it, I have realized the brilliance Tarantino has achieved. The opening scene of INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS will be studied for years for its suspenseful writing and bone chilling performance. Christoph Waltz's tour de force performance is one of the best since Daniel Day LEwis in THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

He hits every note of dialogue with perfect pitch and precision. He is terrifying at times while delivering some of the films biggest laughs. In the wrong hands, this character could have fallen flat. Waltz embodies the character and leaves a lasting impression on the audience. There is no person more deserving of an Academy Award this year than Christoph Waltz. This was a performance to be admired and marveled at.

The entire film felt like it was rushed from pre-production through post-production due to Tarantino's desire to premiere at Cannes. The truth is that a rushed Tarantino movie delivered some of the best moments in cinema this year. Despite the movie being titles INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, the Basterds are merely supporting players. Melanie Laurent is the front and center of this film and Tarantino's handling of this character could not have been better.

Watch this movie for a second time and you will appreciate the crisp dialogue, the comic genius collaboration of Tarantino and Brad Pitt, and the incredible camera work, especially the haunting laugh projected on the smoke during the film's climax. Tarantino took a genre thriller and gave it his artistic sensibility. His vivid imagination created the most scintillating movie of the year and one of the greatest performances of the decade.

Goodbye...

2009-10-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Last week, I received a phone call from my mother at 7 am. She informed me that my Grandmother had passed away. I already had a trip to Boston planned for the weekend, but I needed to extend the trip so I could travel to Vermont to say goodbye to my Grammy. Her name was Gloria Pinto Rouleau. Everybody has their own particular feelings about their Grandparents. My feelings were those of love, respect, and admiration. I volunteered to speak at my Grammy's funeral because I felt it was the only way I could feel closure in my heart.

This may seem odd as to why I am posting this on my blog. Deep down inside, I hope this eulogy connects to one of you readers. I hope it makes you sit down and write a letter to a loved one. Whether it be an Uncle, an Aunt, Sister or Brother, Mom, Dad, Grammy or Grandpa.

Over the past couple of months, hearing that Grammy was a bit sick, all I kept to myself was, "Please just give me one more Christmas with her." I am not a religious person. I do not believe my Grandmother is looking down upon me. All I have to remember her by is the times we shared and the effect she had on me and the person I have become today. Basically, I am saying that you never know when a loved one will pass away. Cherish the time you have with them now and never take someone you care about for granted.

Below are the words I spoke at her funeral:

Ten years ago I stood up here to speak at my grandfather Lucien's funeral. Here I am ten years later doing the same for my grandmother Gloria.

A lot has changed in the past ten years. Gloria lived long enough to see another grandchild born, to see grandchildren graduate from high school and college. She saw a grandson get married. She also lived to be a great grandmother.

We grandchildren have changed over these years as well. As young children we knew her as that nice woman who wore strong perfume gave great gifts and always ordered the same drink: CC straight up with a lemon twist with the dirty ice on the side. On a side note, Canadian Club Whiskey's stock dropped 200 points last week.

Now that most of us are grown we understand more about our grandparents as people. Gloria was generous, wise, and tough.

She had to be tough. She was married to Lucien. I used to sit down and talk history with Grammy over a few drinks because I love history and she lived it. She told me stories about the 40s and 50s when she would go to the theatre and opera out on the town in the loveliest of gowns. Back when ladies were ladies and gents were gents. But she also told me about the hardships she endured growing up in the 30s. Hardships that were not much different than those we all go through. I once said, "Grammy, you are a "tough broad" and she embraced it saying, "I AM a tough broad".

She was so tough and strong that she found a way to live a fulfilling life after the death of her husband. Let's be honest, if Gloria died 10 years ago, and we were here today mourning the loss of Lucien, I would probably be staring at Grandpa's 28 year old blond bombshell widow in the front row.

As tough as Grammy was, she was twice as generous and three times as wise. Gloria was the type of Grandmother who could talk to you about anything. She gave it to you from the heart and did not sugar coat. Her advice was never the ramblings of a crazy woman but rather the collected thoughts of an intelligent matriarch.

I think we can all sit here today and say we've had conversations with Gloria much like that. That is what we will remember about her the most. That, and her lasagna and meat pie.

But we all have had those moments with Gloria that we have played back in the past week. The Christmas parties blend together, the gifts are long gone, but I will never forget the day Grammy let me help her make her lasagna and how proud I felt when we finished. She made me feel like I truly accomplished something spectacular. Her patience, her love, her wisdom have all affected us in different ways and have helped shape the people we are today.

The hardest part about losing someone you love is the feeling that there is unfinished business. I always wished Lucien could have lived long enough to see what we all accomplished as children and grandchildren. Gloria lived a fulfilling life that enabled her to enjoy the fruits of her labor. I would watch her at our Christmas parties and I could see in her eyes that she was appreciating everything and everyone she created. Simply put, without Lucien and Gloria none of us would be here today. So it is our job to make sure she is not forgotten: make a lasagna or a meat pie, listen to Engelbert Humperdinck's "Please Release Me" on your iPod, have a CC straight up with a twist, get dressed up for a night on the town, and mostly be generous and loving unconditionally. Do this and we keep Gloria's spirit alive so that we will never forget her. Gloria, Mom, but for me, Grammy. I love you.

Rated R for Oscar...

2009-09-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

As a young boy, did anything else get your attention faster than a rated R movie with a nice pair of boobs? The answer is no. I grew up without cable until I was thirteen years old. Even after that, my mother was utterly against HBO because she heard it was just a 24 hour porn channel. Of course at this time, HBO showed movies and OZ. OZ was hardly what I was looking for at that age. I was also prohibited from watching rated R movies. I remember having to plea a case to my mother when I desperately wanted to see a rated R movie. She did not care if people were being killed left and right or if the F word was flying around like mosquitoes in the summer. She wanted to shield me from nudity and sex. Mom, you tried. As a result, I of course found a friend who had a black box in his home. To all of you younguns, a "black box" was an illegal cable box that enabled you to get every channel known to man. Even pay per view channels.

Throughout my elementary school years right up through my junior high years we would sleep over my friends house as often as possible. We would watch everything from SPEED to pro-wrestling events. It was a glorious time. We would stay up all night shooting the shit and I would be glued to his giant television set because I was breaking the rules and not getting punished for it.

I distinctly remember being in the 3rd grade and sleeping on the couch in my friend's basement after one of his birthday parties. I woke up because I suddenly heard some really odd sounds emanating from the television set. These sounds seemed foreign to me. Nothing I had ever heard before. I slowly opened my eyes and looked over at the tv. My friend was sitting less than a foot from the big screen staring at the most hardcore porn my nine year old eyes had ever seen. He was studying almost like a national geographic film. I immediately jumped up and yelled at him to turn it off, calling it disgusting and weird. Little did I know, ten years later I would need something similar just to be able to go to sleep on a nightly basis.

But this composition was not meant to be about my first interactions with porn. I am obviously saving that for my first published book. Honestly, what excites young boys the most is when you are watching a movie minding your own business and at some point at the 1 hour 12 minute mark, you catch a nip slip or even better, a nicely framed shot of two wonderful... you get the point.

I initially thought of writing this on this topic because I was doing my daily internet surf and I came across a picture of Shannon Elizabeth at an event smiling for the cameras. All I could think about was how her body of work (and what a wonderful body it is) has one distinctive role: the naked chick in American Pie. What has she done since then? Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back? Great movie. But honestly, her performance could have been replaced with a nicely polished rock. The truth is, she showed her tits too early. I apologize for using the T-word, but I feel in the year 2009, the word "breast" has become... square.

I do not blame Shannon Elizabeth for showing her greatest asset. Nobody knew her up until American Pie and when she showed all in that infamous internet streaming scene, she became an overnight sensation. Remember Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Who am I kidding? Of course you do. Remember what Phoebe Cates did with her career after taking off her bikini top in slow motion? The answer is unequivocally: nothing.

My advice to any girl trying to become actresses would be: no matter what you do, keep your shirt on. Save the boobies for the Academy Award. The trick to being a really successful actress is to be sexy without giving too much away at once. Shannon Elizabeth made the mistake of showing off EVERYTHING she had to offer in her debut performance. Shame. Halle Barry waited until she was 35 years old and in 2001, she showed EVERYTHING in Swordfish and in Monster's Ball. The result: The Oscar goes to... Halle Barry because for 60 seconds she made us believe that she would actually bang Billy Bob Thornton. Halle Barry teased us for fifteen years and then finally gave us what we wanted. In my opinion, that deserves some sort of recognition. Bravo.

I remember going to Blockbuster with a friend when I was younger and we were feverishly searching for a video we could rent with a good amount of nudity to keep us entertained. My knowledge of Rated R movies filled with nudity had not matured yet so I left the choice up to him. Bad idea. We got back to his house. We put the tape in the VCR and after the first shower scene in Carrie... I had had enough.

I guess it is time for me to go back to my regular life and desperately wait for another irrelevant actress to campaign for an Oscar by taking her top off.

The Season Premiere...

2009-09-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a while since I have talked to all of you. By all of you I mean the three people who read this blog. The summer is coming to an end and the autumn season is upon us. Although, living in LA, shit pretty much stays the same. I was going to come up with some excuse as to why I have not written anything in a while. My first idea was to lie and say I went to rehab to recover from my fantasy baseball addiction (which has now become a gateway into a fantasy football addiction). My second idea was to say I planned this out ahead of time. I would tell you that my blog is much like a network television show that takes the summers off in order to heighten demand and keep the story lines fresh. LIES! LIES LIES!

The truth is... I have been lazy. Maybe I have run out of interesting stories to tell. Maybe nothing interesting happened to me over the summer. Who knows? What I do know is that September is here and tonight marks the Season Premiere of the Untitled G. Garytt Poirier Project. To mark this monumental occasion, I have decided not to write about one particular subject, but instead to address several subjects on my mind... here goes:

Last Wednesday night I was lucky enough to obtain a free ticket to the LA Improv in Hollywood from a good friend of mine. However, I was unlucky to be there on a night when Dane Cook showed up to test out his new material for his tour. Don't get me wrong. I once thought Dane Cook was hilarious. In 2002, I remember hearing his comedy for the first time and burning several CDs to spread his comedy to my close friends. As a freshman at Boston University, he reached his highest point of comedic success. I paid at least four times that year to see him do the same material and you know what, I never felt like I wasted my money. This past Wednesday, however, was different. I had never seen an A-list comedian BOMB so badly in front of my eyes as much as Dane did. His premises were recycled and his punchlines... nonexistent. It was awkward to watch from the front row of this small club. Dane looked down at me periodically almost in desperation and I would awkwardly laugh not knowing what else to do. What happened to this guy? I think he got too popular for his own good in the comedy world. You know why Colin Quinn and Dave Attell remain hilarious after all these years? Because their greatest success was working the small room of a comedy club. Dane did a string of terribly unfunny movies and made people like Andy Dick and Jessica Simpson look like Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Oh well, I am sure he does not care too much since his comedy tour will be playing in front of crowds of 20,000+ people. But, watching him struggle on stage last Wednesday was... tragic. I sympathized with the guy.

Speaking of unfunny people, let me weigh in on this Jay Leno Show disaster. Jay Leno was asked how this show would be different. His first response was, "Well, there is no more desk." Really Jay? This is the best you could come up with? When will the novelty of this travesty wear off and when will NBC realize they have made the worst decision in network television history. I know people who support this decision will squawk that the budget of the show is so low that they need a small audience to make a profit. Network television is not about making profit. It is about being #1! The #1 show always makes a profit and Jay Leno cannot even compete with Monday Night Football.

Speaking of Monday Night Football, the Patriots Bills game on Monday was one of the most entertaining games I have seen on Monday Night in some time. Of course I am a Patriots fan. Had the Pats lost, I would feel much different. Remember in 2007 when people attacked Bill Belichick for running up the score as the Patriots clobbered teams 52-10? Belichick is a coaching genius, but is his plan for 2009 to make terrible football teams THINK they have a chance to beat the Patriots. Will the Pats win by 1 point for the rest of the season? Probably not, but it is still something to consider.

Did anybody watch the reality show on Fox this summer called, "More To Love"? You may know it better as the title I gave it, "The Fatchelor". This show was so entertaining. You may think that is mean spirited, but I am not shallow and entertained by these morbidly overweight people because of the novelty of it. What was great about the show was the fact that all these people talked about was how being overweight created obstacles in their lives. Never once did they talk about overcoming obstacles, their favorite activities, their personalities. They just kept crying about being fat week after week. Bravo, Fox.

Has anyone seen the commercials for a new A&E reality series called Steven Seagal: Lawman. Supposedly, Steven Seagal is a sheriff and he beats the piss out people and puts them in handcuffs. Honestly, color me there! On the other end of the spectrum, I watched about 10 seconds of the new show and Shaq Vs. It is definitely cringe worthy. I have a challenge for Shaq. How about you try and be interesting for longer than 10 seconds.

Is there any bigger douchebag on this planet than Kanye West? Seeing him on the Jay Leno Show (I had to tune in for this) was like watching a 4th grader sit inside the principal's office. Pathetic. Why is this guy famous again? Oh yeah, I forgot that all it takes to be famous is buy a rhyming dictionary and write a few crappy songs. I better get on that.

When did Jon and Kate and their 8 become a phenomenon? I missed this rise to fame and was blindsided by this A-list break-up. In fact, part of my blogging-break was due to me taking the time to grieve properly. The Jackson family should take note.

I wish they had adult proms. Not for losers who skipped their prom. But more so for people who like to get dressed up and do fancy things. I look pretty damn good in a tuxedo and I am desperately seeking another occasion to wear one at.

I think I am going to stop for tonight. This blog is starting to feel too much like an Andy Rooney segment on 60 Minutes. "Why do they have tomatoes with the fruit. I know technically, they are a fruit, but who are we kidding. We only eat them with
vegetables." Ugh...

Anyways, I am back. See you BOTH tomorrow.

THE TONY AWARDS 2009

2009-06-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

Now let me preface this post by telling all of you what the Tony Awards are since it seems nobody cares to watch them (me included). The Tony Awards are the Oscars for Broadway and we all know how many people go and see Broadway shows on a regular basis (It is difficult to express sarcasm in writing). I'm not saying theatre is for squares or anything, but Broadway has a limited audience and the Tony's reflect that. Hell, I only watched a bit of it to get a glimpse of Jeff Daniels and Tony Soprano... I mean James Gandolfini. Call me what you want, but I am powerlessly drawn to the tv by a good musical performance filled with jazz hands and shit eating grins.

The show's host Neil Patrick Harris did his job as a lame host with horribly written jokes. If I was a joke writer, this is what I would have had him say: "Hi, I'm Neil Patrick Harris and it is an honor to host the Tony Awards because I watched them from my New Mexico home from a young boy. Little did my parents know sitting there watching the Tony's with me that ten years later I would be fucking a guy named Tony." ZING!

The producers of the Tony's need to adapt their format. I understand the need for a boatload of musical performances, but they need to pay more attention to the awards themselves. Much like the Oscars, when the nominees are announced, there should be a small video that gives the audience the slightest glimpse into the role or play. Otherwise, anybody outside of New York has no frame of reference. I think this would get a casual theatre fan to tune in.

Speaking of musical performances, since when can you get a bunch of bands together and have them sing rock songs, call it Rock of Ages, put it on Broadway, and all of a sudden it's a Broadway show? Anyways, here is Bret Michaels getting hit with a stage drop...beautiful.

What really inspired me to write about the Tony's is the heartbreak I felt last night. The real highlight of the show is the musical performances and they really are fun to watch. But the more performances I saw, the more I thought about all of those actors. Imagine you are a Broadway stage actor. You do the same show at least seven times per week (depending on Matinees), you have to get into costume, put on stage makeup, warm up your voice and body, and go on stage to sing the same number for the 457th time. Now imagine you are nominated for a Tony Award. Tonight is your night that you can go down in history and finally get recognized for all that work. It's going to be different from any other night in your life... except the fact that CBS is forcing you to get into costume and makeup and perform like a monkey in a carnival. I know it is necessary but my heart breaks for these actors. At the Oscars, Charlize Theron is not expected to get into her Monster makeup to accept her award. Philip Seymour Hoffman does not accept the award dressed as Capote. Nothing proves my point better than the following clip from last night. A musical performance of Shrek: The Musical. Yes, you heard me correctly... Shrek: The Musical and it was nominated for Best Musical. Ladies and gentlemen, I am sad to say, the terrosists have won.

Where Was My Sex House?!

2009-04-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

From Nashville, Tennessee:

"Sex Crimes detectives and FBI agents this morning arrested Murfreesboro science teacher and Metro substitute teacher Louis J. Levine at his West Nashville home on a federal warrant charging him with producing child pornography. Levine, 52, of 133 Alton Road, is alleged to have provided drugs to teenagers and allowed them to engage in sex in his home or on his property over the past 30 years. Levine is alleged to have videotaped the sexual activity."

http://www.tennessean.com/article/D4/20090407/NEWS01/90407050

Alright, first things first. I understand this teacher is deranged and has deep psycological issues. Otherwise, he would not have done this. But the more I think about this story, the more I think about how I wish I had a place back in high school where I could take girls to after school. I think we can all agree that one of the worst parts of teenage high school romance is trying to find any bit of privacy.

Remember when you had your girlfriend over and you told your parents you were going to watch some tv? I would go down to the basement, waste way too much time finding something to watch. I would find the biggest blanket I owned to cover the two of us. Meanwhile, I was not cold at all. In fact, I was probably sweating profusely underneath the blanket. Then it was time to make my move. Making moves underneath a blanket is an art that rivals pick pocketing. Your hands must be as gentle as much as they are quick. The slightest creek in the floorboards would make me jump to attention like a cadet at his first day of bootcamp. That is of course if you were lucky enough to hear anybody coming.

I remember when I was in high school, I had a girl over to watch tv. This girl was a good friend of mine so my mother had no reason to be suspicious. This was perfect. That was until she walked down into my basement to defrost some chicken and caught the site of this girl on top of me with my tongue down her throat. That was a fun conversation the next day:

Mom: So... I take it you two have decided to be more than just friends?

Me: Well, I guess I can't lie about it now.

Finding times and places to have fun in high school was like trying to get into the hottest Beverly Hills restaurant on a Saturday night. You make a reservation for 8 o'clock. You get there fifteen minutes late and the unsympathetic hostess tells you you have to wait around for the next available table. So you go for a walk to pass some time and have pointless conversation while both of you want more than anything to sit down and eat your damn meal. Finally you get your table and you sit down and it never is as good as you expected it. There probably is a small table directly next to you, so it may as well be a table for four. You end up exchanging looks with eachother instead of words because you do not want anybody else to hear you. Finally you order the prime rib and you are set and ready to enjoy and the smug waiter comes over and tells you they are all out of prime rib. Listen, the main reason you came to this shitty restaurant was for the goddamned prime rib. So now instead, you have to look at the menu and find something that could SOMEWHAT rival a rare juicy prime rib. You end up getting the chicken and leaving the restaurant unsatisfied. Did this metaphor make sense?

The car was always a perfect venue because you could be somewhat alone pending the police intervening. My girlfriend got her driver's license before me so I had to play passenger in her standard transmission Volvo station wagon. Our parking place of choice was the commuter rail station in town. Besides the 5 pm rush of people coming home from work, it was an alright place to park. The real problem was inside the car with her monstrous emergency brake in between us getting in the way. Her eyes would light up with surprise and I would have to burst her bubble saying, "Sorry sweetie, that's the emergency brake." We needed a new place.

There was the state park. Mosquitos aside, the spot was not too bad. We had a nice big rock we would lie down on that overlooked a pond. Of course we could not do much because we were both petrified we would get caught by hikers or heroin addicts hanging in the woods.

Luckily, both of her parents worked. So like an admiral planning a multifront war, I strategized. School ended at 2 pm. We could get to her place no later than 2:20. At this rate, we would have roughly 3 hours to ourselves with no parents. The wild card, however, was that unlike me (the youngest child), she was the oldest with two younger brothers. So if they needed help with something, the entire afternoon was fucked, no pun intended.

My house was always out of the question. My mother did the financial books for my father's business so she had the luxury of working from home. When a girl was over, the door had to be wide open and my mother was very strict about not having people over when she was not home. In high school I was a part of a peer leaders group. We would go to soup kitchens and conferences and take fun field trips. At all of these conferences, they give out all of this useless junk and they would throw out condoms like it was the cure for cancer or something. I would guess most of these kids at this conference were not getting laid. So I remember my friends stashed what had to be fifty condoms in my backpack. The next morning I was getting ready for school and noticed all of them. When I was in high school, my mother had a rule that my bedroom had to be tidy and pretty much spotless every morning. Bed made. Stuff put in a proper place. You know the drill. Well, on my way out of my immaculate bedroom, one of the condoms fell out of my backpack and landed in the middle of the floor. Imagine you are my mother. You walk into this bedroom and the only thing laying in the center of the room is a brand new condom...

I came home from school that afternoon and my mother called me up to my room where I found her sitting on my bed. It was straight out of "Dawson's Creek" or more recently "Friday Night Lights". I felt so bad for her because she had tears in her eyes as she asked me if I was having sex and I had to reassure her I was not and I explained the whole peer leaders conference condom prank to exhaustion. Finally she calmed down and gave me the speech about how I am too young and not ready, yada yada yada. We hugged it out and went on with our business. The real irony of the situation was that my girlfriend was on that wonderful thing called the birth control pill. I had no use for these condoms and yet I still had to go through that awful encounter because of them.

All I am trying to say is that my life would have been a lot easier if I had a definitive place to go to in high school. I know the sex taping part is a huge downside. This I understand. However, I believe in the deepest part of my heart that this guy would have most likely ended up burning any sex tape involving me.

"You Just Gotta Know The Bouncer."

2009-03-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

This past May was a tumultuous time in my life. I was graduating from college while living in Los Angeles and had made the decision I was going to stay on the west coast. The month of May was filled with job insecurity, apartment hunting, and bank account awareness that of course led to a lot of anxiety. Finally, I had found a place to live and I was offered a job so I could rest easy. It was the Sunday night before I was to start my job as a runner in Hollywood. What was I to do? Sleep? Rest comfortably? Nah, instead my friends were going to a bar at Universal Citywalk called Howl at the Moon and I was joining them.

Howl at the Moon is a dueling piano bar. On any night other than Sunday, it is definitely not worth the cover charge, parking fees, slutty shot waitresses and drink prices. However, every Sunday is 3 for 1 drinks. Let me say that again: 3 for 1. What a wonderful phrase.

I arrive at Howl with a large group of friends. There must have been at least eight of us. I was going through a whiskey phase, so I went to the bartender and ordered a whiskey and diet coke (Yeah, I put diet coke in my drinks, you got a problem with that?). Anyways, this bartender takes a glass and fills it with ice. He then begins to fill the glass with whiskey. The diet coke almost seemed like an after thought to him because he picked up the soda gun and all I heard was a quick, "Ksh, Ksh". Two quick sprays of diet coke. Yummy. Of course, the early night sober me is loving this. I was looking forward to long night of having a comfortable buzz.

You know how sometimes when you drink, you drink faster than your body can gauge? You drink two drinks, and your body has not reacted yet, so you have two more, then your body goes nuts because you are drunk? That was me. I downed about four whiskey diets without feeling a thing. I remember going to the bathroom and tipping the bathroom attendant $10 by accident and I felt too stupid asking for it back so I just left.

I ended up having three more of those whiskey diets and I felt I was in a chatty mood. One of the piano players at this bar is a Massachusetts native with a full tattoo of the state on his arm. I was outside "getting some air" and I began talking to him. Of course to make matters worse, his mother was visiting and I started rambling about something I cannot even remember. I just remember the looks they were giving me. You know that look you give when someone incredibly drunk comes up to you and decides THIS is the time to discuss something serious. So that person puts on a stern face and talks slowly as to not slur too many words. I must have been that guy because they were staring at me like they wanted ten minutes of their life back.

Howl at the Moon opens to an outside patio area that can be seen from the inside. My roommate Ian tells me to this day that all he saw was me wandering outside back and forth aimlessly. This was when he decided it was time to go. Ian approaches me outside and basically asks what the hell I am doing and of course in my ridiculously drunken state I yell, "You just gotta know the bouncer!" On the epic walk back to the parking garage I stop at the giant Universal Studios fountain and sit in front of it. Now you must picture this fountain, the water probably has more bacteria in it than a pile of petri dishes. Nonetheless, I say out loud, "I'm so hot," and proceed to dunk my head in the water much to the disgust of my comrades.

Inside the parking garage is when I start feeling a bit more playful and decide to make a joke by pretending to bump into a giant pillar and pretend to fall down. Instead of everything going to plan, my BAC was so incredibly high that my balance was off and I toppled over and smashed my face on the concrete. Ouch.

The drive home was disastrous to say the least. I grew a bit nauseous and told my friend Lauren to pull over as I....well.... ruminated (thank you Thesaurus.com!). It went all over the side of her white car and Ian cleaned it up. I think that is the test of a true friend. If they clean up your vomit, then they can pretty much be trusted with anything.

We finally get back to the apartment and I run to the bathroom where I lock the door and cradle the bathtub as I continue to dry heave for hours. Because I did not have any dinner that night, I was throwing up stuff that resembled an oil well. I distinctly remember welcoming death at that point. Let me tell you, I have only gotten this intoxicated less than a handful of times. But I legitimately was welcoming the sweet relaxation of death just so the upheaval would finally end. Pathetic right? So I remember waking up and saying to myself that I could finally get some sleep and go to work the next day. Well, to my surprise I walked ot of the bathroom and noticed the blinding sun shining in the air and noticed I had to be at work in three hours. I immediately jumped into bed for two hours, woke up, showered, and went to work the worst hangover ever.

I grabbed my packages I needed to deliver and immediately headed west towards Santa Monica. At this point I had already chugged a gallon of water and was just waiting to snap out this horrific pain. At one point, I could take it no longer and I pulled into a Burger King parking lot on Pico Blvd. I jumped out of my car and bolted to the door, I ran into two gangster looking guys who were not pleased and charged to the bathroom. As I vomited into the toilet, one of the gangster guys came in ready to probably beat the shit out of me but he saw me in my weakened state and just said, "Oh shit, no worries man." I remember washing my face in the sink and feeling like a new man. All the toxins were out of my system and I felt so good I could have built an entire house for Habitat for Humanity. I could have played a double header baseball game. I felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders. I got an order of french fries and went on with the rest of my day feeling wonderful, of course after I stopped at a CVS and got a toothbrush and toothpaste. I learned my lesson. 3 for 1 is not necessarily a good thing. To this day, the smell of whiskey makes me cringe. I hope someday I can have a whiskey diet and not immediately welcome death.

I Would Do Anything For Love, but Nathaniel Marshall MUST GO

2009-03-04T18:55:00.000-08:00

It was a regular Tuesday evening in Los Angeles. I was at work and I received a cryptic text message from a friend back in Boston telling me that someone on American Idol was singing a song that has become very close to my heart: "I Would Do Anything For Love" by the timeless Meat Loaf. Immediately my heart began to pound as my brain started going in hundreds of different directions. Those of you who know me probably know why I was frazzled by the news. Those of you who do not... well here you go.

It all started in high school. My friend Matt and I would go to the beach in the summer and we would blast that song in my car because by the time the song ended, we were usually very close to the beach so it made the ride go by very quickly. Of course I am talking about the 12 minute album version and not the 6 minute radio edit. We always imagined how Meat Loaf recorded this song. We pictured him holding a microphone in hand shouting out the lyrics with tears streaming down his face while wearing an untucked tuxedo shirt and red handkerchief. Say what you will about the song, but you cannot deny that it may go down as one of the most epic songs ever (that was not a challenge for someone to list a more epic song... I know they exist).

In college I started a job working as a tour guide at a Boston attraction. For their Christmas party, they rented out a karaoke bar and we tore that motherfucker down with our jams! Sorry, I lost my cool right there.

Anyways, I moved to Los Angeles and found a bar that I loved called Sonny Mcleans. We went there once for karaoke, I went up to the dj and requested "I'd Do Anything For Love". His reaction surprised me. Usually dj's are skeptical and never get to me. This guy just said, "Rock on!" I went up sang the shit out of the song and the rest is history. In the past year, I have probably sung that song almost 100 times in the past year. I can do it with my eyes closed. I put as much feeling and emotion into it as Meat Loaf would performing it. I believe in that song. The lyrics, the chords, the duet at the end. It's 12 minutes of awesomeness.

Last night, my world was shaken. Words cannot describe it, just watch:

Let me say first that I hate American Idol. If the show was just a bunch of people singing songs and best ones moving on then maybe I would tune in. Instead, it is a 3 night/week commitment to watch over dramatic narcissistic douchebags talk about their life story and why they should be the next American Idol. Currently, American Idol is on Season 8. Only 2 winners have gone on to have successful careers, Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson. Most just fall back into obscurity because they were never really talented to begin with. I can sing. Am I musician? No. I do not believe I have the ability to write good songs. I might be able to write lyrics but that is a much different story. I just feel bad that the youth of America today has to hear some GREAT songs sung poorly by people who have no emotional attachment to them.

What really pisses me off is this Nathaniel Marshall. This no talent ass clown says he is singing this song because he and his mother used to listen to it when he was a kid. Guess what dummy, nobody fucking cares what song you listened to. Unless you can do the original song some justice then sit down, shut the fuck up and do not torture us with a rendition that even Simon called "excruciating".

I have never cared about American Idol, and I probably never will again. "I Would Do Anything For Love" is meant to be an epic rock opera song. Not a falmboyant jazzy showtune. Fuck you Nathaniel. Fuck you very much. I am glad that you now have a short walk back to obscurity. Even his little video at the beginning, "I love to be the drama queen." Jesus Christ, if I met this son of a bitch, I swear to you, I would never stop punching him in the face for what he did to this song. I have gotten word that he has been booted off the show so at least now I can take comfort in knowing that this lameass will not corrupt anymore of today's youth with horrible renditions of great songs. Justice has at least been served. Because honestly, if Nathaniel had moved on and made to the final 12 on American Idol, then I think you would all agree with me in saying, the terrorists would have won.

Now for all of you people who want the real version, here it is for your viewing and listening pleasure:

GARYTT'S TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2008

2009-02-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

The Academy Awards are right around the corner. I saw many movies this year and have seen all five films nominated for Best Picture. However, two of the films that will be competing for an Oscar this Sunday did not even break my top 10. So I have compiled my Top 10 films of 2008. These ten movies are the 10 movies from 2008 I believe everybody should see. I was utterly disappointed by movies like Doubt, Revolutionary Road, The Reader, Milk, W., Quantum of Solace, and Indiana Jones and Kingdom of Who Gives a Shit. But that is for another day where I will countdown the worst/most disappointing movies of 2008. There were also movies that I thought were exceptional but could not break my top 10. These films include The Bank Job (my 11th favorite movie of this year), Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, and Gran Torino (only for Clint Eastwood's performance). Without further buildup, my top ten films of 2008:

10. Ghost Town
Remember this movie? Probably not because most people did not go to the theatres and see it. Set in the most beautiful parts of Manhattan, Ricky Gervais hilariously plays a dentist who keeps to himself and dreads interaction with any other human beings. It is not until Greg Kinnear, a recently deceased womanizer, visits him and tries to get his help. along the way, Gervais stumbles across many different spirits who of course walk around in the clothes they died in (Kinnear wears a tux while another wears his birthday suit). The true heart of the film belongs in the "love story" that develops between Gervais and Kinnear's widow Tea Leoni as well as Gervais' helping the ghosts take care of their unfinished business.

Ghost Town was a film that brightened my day when I saw it in the theatre. It gave me hope, it made me laugh, but also had tearful moments of heartful sincerity that is hard to find in PG-13 romantic comedies these days. The actors do their job brilliantly as the setting of New York adds another layer of beauty to this well told tale that has believable character arcs instead of unrealistic ones that will leave you in disbelief. This movie does its characters justice without treating the audience like morons. Ghost Town was my feel good movie of the year and I am proud to say it is one my Top 10.

9. Slumdog Millionaire

I am sure you are surprised that Slumdog Millionaire is not closer to #1 on my list. There are many reasons for this. Being the surefire Academy Award winner for Best Picture, Slumdog Millionaire has had so much press and hype over the past three months that when I finally saw it in January, I was not as blown away as so many people. Danny Boyle directs a hell of a film that is inspiring, compelling, and heartwarming. The cinematography is unique along with the way they told a love story. Slumdog Millionaire is a great film that just did not strike me as hard as many of the other films released this year but I recognize it as one of the best films of the year while also being one of my favorites. I think my bias came from hearing a heaping pile of hype before going into seeing it and I came out impressed with Slumdog Millionaire from a filmmaking point of view, but I did not feel emotionally attached. Maybe I need another viewing, but as of now, Slumdog Millionaire comes in at #9.

8. Frost / Nixon

If you read my review of Frost/Nixon when it was first released, I gave it three out of five stars. I attacked it for being historically inaccurate and that was an aspect I could not forgive. I think I am becoming a softer person, because a couple months later, I look back on this film and do not really care about the historical accuracy. I keep focusing on the performance of Frank Langella and the power behind that voice. I think of the structure of Peter Morgan's screenplay and how successfully he brought the story from the stage and adapted it to film (Doubt was a failure in this aspect). Sam Rockwell and Oliver Platt are wonderful as the comic relief as they make the film fun in its own right. All the while, Ron Howard directed a film that looks nothing like a Ron Howard film. Using a lot of handheld camera, bland colors, and saturated whites, Ron Howard showed a different style and I would say he hit a two out triple, not quite a homerun, but better than a double. Frost/Nixon is a compelling film that does not bore you for a moment. In fact some of the most suspenseful scenes I have seen this year were those of David Frost and Richard Nixon sitting across from each other.

7. Changeling

Clint Eastwood churned out two films this year and has proven himself to be an auteur. Gran Torino was a great film (despite some horrible child actors) and even as I write, I want to re-arrange my list so I can somehow recognize Gran Torino. Alas, it cannot make my top ten. Instead, Eastwood's less popular film of the year starring Angelina Jolie comes in at #7. Jolie brilliantly plays a mother whose son goes missing. When the corrupt LAPD returns the boy, she claims it is not her son. What follows is a feverish mystery complete with great costumes, excellent cinematography, and captivating art direction. I am not an Angelina Jolie fan in the least bit, but her performance as a mother who refuses to accept that the lie the LAPD is spewing is incredible. The supporting performances of Jeffrey Donovan, John Malkovich, Amy Ryan, and Michael Kelly help upgrade this good film into a great film. Keep em coming Clint!

6. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Say what you will about Benjamin Button: It was too long, it was too much like Forrest Gump, the script had more holes in it than a professional golf course. I connected with Benjamin Button. The journey he goes on, the stories he tells, the happiness, the sadness. I felt the film said a lot about life and death and how we all end up the same despite the different journeys we take.

5. Rachel Getting Married

Some movies have high stakes. Some have elabortate dolly shots. Some have grand plotlines. Rachel Getting Married has none of these. Shot basically in documentary style, this film follows around Kym (Anne Hathaway) after she gets out of rehab and attends her sister's wedding back home. Kym has had trouble with booze, prescription drugs, you name it. She also bears the cross that she was hopped up on drugs the day she drove a car off a bridge and thus killing her younger brother. The film does not really explore how she deals with any of her problems, but instead witnesses the damaged relationships she has with her mother, father, and sister. The film is a smouldering portrayal of the effects of addiction, the resentment and alienation it can create, and the baggage we all carry around during our lives.

4. Wall E

Pixar is responsible for making some of the best films in the past 10 years. Wall E did not disappoint. The first 45 minutes plays like a silent film, relying on Wall E's Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin like facial expressions to tell story as well as give character devlopment. Wall E is a comedy, it's a drama, it's a romantic love story, and in it's third act it becomes a social commentary

on how lazy human beings have become and how reliant we are on technology. Oh yeah, and the animation is breathtaking.

3. In Bruges

Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Ralph Fiennes are amazing. And why should they not be, the material they had to work with was spectacular. In Bruges is hilariously dark at times while also being suspen seful and ironic. The film does not follow a steady pace but instead moves very slowly towards the beginning testing the audience's patience. Business starts to pick up as you learn more about the characters and why they are stuck "in fucking Bruges".

Needless to say, this movie is entertaining to the nth degree. Colin Farrell churns out a wonderfully charming, yet heartbreaking performance. Brendan Gleeson, who is in my Top 5 supporting character actors, is brilliant as the level headed colleague who wants to enjoy the history and experience that is Bruges. Ralph Fiennes, despite his short time on screen, is unforgettable. He is hilarious in every scene he is in and scary as shit when he runs with a gun (anybody remember Red Dragon?). But not enough can be said about the screenplay that has incredibly fun dialogue but also does not waste a moment or a character.

2. The Dark Knight

I know what you are thinking. The third act was disappointing. The Harvey Dent-Two Face arc was done too quickly and should have been given his own movie. The boat scene was ridiculous. Morgan Freeman's part in the end was unnecessary and borderline stupid.

Guess what?! Even with those problems, The Dark Knight was one of the best films of the year. Christopher Nolan has taken a comic book superhero story and transformed it into a Shakespearean traged y crime drama. Remember the doubts people had when Batman B egins teased the return of the Joker? Nolan shattered those doubts along with the inspired performance by Heath Ledger, who out shined Jack Nicholson's 1989 portrayal.

The story of Harvey Dent was masterfully crafted (even though somewhat rushed in act three). Technically, The Dark Knight is the best film of the year with its use of IMAX cameras, its editing, cinematography, sound, etc.

When this film was released, everybody loved it. So much so that it was hard to find a negative review. Because of this, the negative reviews became more interesting. The only negative I read was this, "The Dark Knight does not build to a climax. Instead, it is all climax." I completely agree, but for the same reason that reviewer found that a negative, I found it a positive. The film opens with one of the best heist scenes I have seen since Michael Mann's Heat in 1995. Nolan created a world of chaos and he showed that a summer blockbuster ca n be smart and it can have deeper meanings and themes other than a man in a rubber suit. The Dark Knight pushed limits and entertained for 150 minutes. Sitting in a seat, I had no idea what to expect and was almost frightened to see what came next. The Dark Knight to me is much more than a comic book movie and much more than a super hero film. It is a crime drama and also one of the best movies of the year.

1. The Wrestler

Tell me you did not get chills after watching that trailer. Mickey Rourke is spellbinding as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a once A-List professional wrestler in the 80s. Now he wrestles in high school gyms just for the thrill of being in front of an audience while he works at a grocery store to make ends meat. His body is battered and his heart is broken. He finds hope in a stripper played by Marisa Tomei and also while trying to reconnect with his daughter played by Evan Rachel Wood. Randy knows that if he keeps wrestling, he will die. But he knows if he stops wrestling, he may as well be dead. Darren Aronovsky brings to life this tragic hero we want to believe in and want to root for. The documentary style makes you feel like you are there with him through every step of his journey. Mickey Rourke makes you want to stand up and cheer because he makes his character so charismatic, caring, and simple.

Simply put, The Wrestler is the best film of this year. I implore you to see it. I also ask for you to sit during the end credits and listen to Bruce Springsteen's original song The Wrestler that plays and allow it to sink in. Think about Randy, think about the lyrics, and let the chords of the guitar roll down your skin like a drop of water. You may smile and you may cry. But that is what makes this film so beautiful. The fact that it can touch any individual in such a different way. That is what a film is all about.

2009 Oscar Nominations: Three Strikes... You're Out

2009-01-22T18:47:00.000-08:00

The following is a rant and rave about the 81st Oscar nominations. The following expresses the opinions of only G. Garytt Poirier, and nobody else... (even though I'm sure most will agree with me):

As many of you know by now, the nominees for the 81st Annual Academy Awards were announced today. Every year there seems to be some level of controversy because someone always gets snubbed one way or another. This is a year I will never forget. Sure I have my top 5 movies of the year and they look different than the Academy's. I have opinions on what should be nominated in each category. Mark the date: January 22nd, 2009. Just days after our country inaugurated the first African American President of the United States. After months of Hollywood calling for change, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has proven just how backward and out of touch they truly are.

Let us start with the elphant in the room. Strike One: The Dark Knight was denied a nomination for Best Motion Picture of the year. After raking in roughly $1 billion worldwide, being praised by critics and audiences, and nominated for Best Picture by the Producer's Guild of America, the Academy obviously did not feel The Dark Knight was worthy of such distinction. Remember the feeling you had when you watched that trailer? It gave me chills. I had the highest of expectations going into that theatre. For 150 minutes, The Dark Knight did absolutely NOTHING but exceed every expectation I had. Not only was it superb for a superhero film, but it explored uncomfortable themes that helped rise above the average run of the mill summer blockbuster. The Dark Knight was a fine tuned, well crafted crime drama that focused on some people's desire to see chaos and others' struggle to control it. The reason it was so good is because of the artistic mind of Christopher Nolan.

Christopher Nolan has mindfully changed the legacy of Batman and Gotham City. He developed a script along with his brother and David Goyer (also being snubbed for a best screenplay nod) and changed the way future generations will look at superheros. One of the negative reviews I read of TDK was that it did not rise to a climax, but instead was constant climax. That is what I distinctly loved about the film. Never did you feel safe, never did you feel the Joker's power could be harnessed, and never did you know how or when this thing was going to end. TDK is nominated for its Editing, Cinematography, Acting, etc. Without Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight does not surpass other summer comic book blockbusters. The Dark Knight may not be one of the 5 best motion pictures of the year, but Christopher Nolan proved he is one of the top 5 directors because TDK truly is an achievement in directing. Isn't that we are supposed to be rewarding? Strike Two.

We have touched upon the injustices. Now let us look toward the ridiculous. You need not look further than the Best Original Song category. Who cares what the other nominees are? The fact that Bruce Springsteen did not get nominated (and in turn win) for his bone chilling song "The Wrestler" is, in my opinion, the most absurd snub in recent memory. There should not have even been nominees for this category. Springsteen's song emotionally embodies the entire film. Watch the trailer:

When I saw this trailer for the first time and heard Springsteen's guitar play and his battered voice struggle to expell the lyrics, I almost cried on command. In four short minutes, this song says more about Randy "The Ram" Robinson, The Wrestler, and anybody who struggles to make it to the top than any other piece of music written for a film. I know I am praising this song like it's Beethoven's 5th, but I am extremely dumbfounded at how the Academy has fallen so out of touch. On best original song, the Academy swung, missed, and struck the fuck out.

Maybe I put too much faith into the Academy after they finally gave Martin Scorsese a Best Director Oscar and also deemed The Departed (a financially successful gangster flick) the trophy for Best Motion Picture of the Year. I guess I felt MILK and FROST/NIXON did not deserve to be recognized as best picture nominees. Perhaps I thought the songs in Slumdog Millionaire (not the score) just were not THAT fucking good. I cannot even remember how they go because they were so forgetful.

So how come we are not celebrating today? How come the Academy, in a desperate plea to get ratings, nominate The Dark Knight? Because they do not want the public dictating what is good. When was the last time a Best Picture winner made a shitload of money? Remember Titanic? That year, the Academy was in love with Titanic because of the visual effects, the love story, and the fact that is was an epic 3 hours and 12 minutes. In my opinion, the Academy wants to deem a film Best Picture of the year and as a result, the public will swarm to the theatres and stand in awe likes it is some Vincent Van Gogh painting. There are exceptions to the rule of course: Forrest Gump, Shakespeare In Love, Lord of the Rings, etc. Do not get me wrong, sometimes they are 100% correct with their nominees and winners. Sometimes they hit the bullseye directly. This year, they were out of touch and so far off target that now we must "endure" the sinking Battleship that is the 81st Academy Awards.

I'd love to hear some of your feedback and comments. This could lead to a great dialogue so please comment below.

A "Confidential" Discovery

2009-01-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

There comes a point in every youngest child's life where his or her siblings move out of the house and he or she is the last one remaining. I was that kid. My older brothers, BJ and Jeff, had gone off to college and I was at home. I yearned for the times where I could go downstairs and play videogames with my brothers (well, actually just watch them play with their friends) and have intelligent caring conversations with them (well, actually they usually told me to shut up). So what was a fourteen year old to do around the house to pass the time? I snooped.

I passed time by walking around the house and exploring parts I never could explore before. I checked out my brothers' drawers and closets. I was not trying to be malicious, I just had an insane level of curiosity. I went into my brother Jeff's room and looked in his closet and found a bank bag. A bank bag is the kind with a zipper that can lock at the end. Normally, I probably would have put it back but he labeled it, "CONFIDENTIAL" accompanied with some hand drawn skulls and crossbones.

My spidey sense was tingling. I had to find out what was in this bag. I immediately searched for a key in his room but alas found nothing. I took paperclips and tried to pick the lock to no avail. Finally I tried to pick the lock with some scissors that ended with disappointing results. But the scissors got me thinking. What if i poke a tiny hole in the bag? Then I could shine a flashlight inside and see what was in there. Jeff would not even notice the hole. I poke a tiny hole, which then leads to a small tear and I shine the light inside. I see a videotape and some magazines but nothing that catches my eye. I put the bag back in the closet and leave.

I wish that was where this story ends. The contents of this bag haunted my dreams. I needed to open this bag. Eventually I grab the bag and decide that this is the point of no return. I make a large tear in the bag and empty it on my bedroom floor. What lay before me was a treasure chest of pornography. Magazines and videotapes... anything a hormonal high schooler would need to pass his afternoons. I had hit the jackpot. I put the bag back in Jeff's closet and prayed God would take mercy on my soul and hoped Jeff would never find it.

The summer came. BJ and Jeff moved home. It was only a matter of time. One calm summer day, I walked into the kitchen and BJ stopped me and told me to come downstairs. I followed him into Jeff's room and as I entered, Jeff slammed his door shut behind me. The level of panic that went through my body was indescribable. I heart rate increased and my breathing heavied. I felt like I was about to get executed. Jeff stood there and looked at me and held up his damaged bank bag. I was speechless. BJ and Jeff immediately started playing good cop/bad cop.

The rest is sort of a blur. BJ tried to be understanding. Asking me what I was thinking. I pleaded with them. I told Jeff I would buy him a new bag. Jeff charged toward me saying, "They don't make bags like this anymore! I'm going to go tell Mom. We'll see what she thinks of the situation."

I begged them to keep it between us and they did. They did not want to get me in trouble. They just wanted to scare the living shit out of me. They did so. I do not think in my entire life I have ever been so scared of my brothers than I was at that moment. They had so much power at that moment. They could have used it to make me do whatever they wanted. Looking back, however, I guess my brothers, as old as they were (18 & 20), still did not want my mother knowing they had their own secret stashes of smut. If only I had known that then...sigh.

The First Kiss: An Epic Saga

2009-01-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

My first kiss occurred in January 1999. Don't get me wrong, I had a pecked a couple girls on the cheek and lips before then, but this was my first true, passionate kiss that meant something. Obviously, or else I would not remember it enough to tell about it here. I was 12 years old about to turn 13. Since I was 6 years old, I participated in a program at Massasoit Community College called Primetime for Youth. It was a theatre program. One of my neighbors had their daughter doing it and my mother thought it would be good to get me out of the house on a Saturday. Little did she know I would be a natural onstage and this experience would ultimately help shape the rest of my life.

We were performing Guys and Dolls. I was so excited because I had auditioned and earned the male lead role of Nathan Detroit, the role played by Frank Sinatra in the film. My best friend at the time, April, got the role of Adelaide, Nathan's fiance. For those of you who do not know the basic premise of Guys and Dolls... here goes: Nathan is a degenerate gambler who sets up illegal crap games around New York. Adelaide loves him and wants to marry him, but Nathan cannot bring himself to make that committment. It is a great show... rent the movie. Marlon Brando singing Luck Be A Lady is priceless.

Prepare to get sucked into the overdramatic life of Junior High. Remember the show Dawson's Creek? Of course you do. I once watched Dawson's Creek and thought the first season was written after my life. You see, Dawson and Joey are best friends... Dawson sees Joey sing some song from Les Miserables and he sees her in a whole new light. He falls in love with her... they kiss... romance ensues. But with romance comes great dramatic conflict. I remember seeing April as nothing but a friend, but when she sang "I love you a bushel and a peck, you bet your pretty neck I do" all with an annoying New York accent, call me crazy, I fell in love.

She was perfect. Brown hair, dark italian skin, adorable smile, and an infectious laugh. She was also much taller than me. It was a funny visual. She had to have been 5-6 inches taller than me... it felt like more. We rehearsed for two months playing love interests. I would talk to my friend Kevin who was dating her friend Colleen and they would relay messages. It worked much like a well oiled machine. April and I were friends for almost six years at that point. We were playing characters who had been together for years but hadn't seem to make the jump into the next step. Looking back at it now, it is very weird how similar we were to those characters even as 12 year olds. We said our lines and with every word that came out, there was a bit of unerlying truth.

I remember we started liking each other and would talk to eachother on America Online (dial up version) for hours instant messaging. Most of the time I was alone and I was talking through a friend of hers Tiffany. Anyways, we made plans to go see a movie. For some reason, I consider this my first date. It was a group of us who went to the movies in Brockton, MA. I believe it was April, Tiffany, Siobhan, and me. We went to see what may be the worst film ever made: Home Fries. Yes, the one with Luke Wilson and Drew Barrymore, she's pregnant, his mom is crazy, and Jake Busey shows up at the end in a helicopter. Worst movie ever made. We got picked up from the movies and driven back to April's house as Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls played on the radio. We ordered pizza and played a board game called Tribond. In the game, you pick up a card and it lists three things and you need to determine what these three things have in common. I remember one saying Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Jurassic Park, and Jaws. I blurted, "STEVEN SPIELBERG MOVIES!" I was so proud. We moved to April's bedroom and we started playing truth or dare. It was very innocent, trust me. The reason I mention the bedroom is because we walked inside and Siobhan ran over to April's bed, jumped on and the bed broke. It literally collapsed. April freaked out as the rest of us laughed it off. There was no good night kiss but I knew at the end of this night. April was into me..... I was not perceptive... Tiffany told me on the ride home.

Of course it did not go smoothly. Of course there had to be an insane level of drama. The kid who played Sky Masterson was someone who was doing his first play with this group. He sang off key, he came across as cocky, and nobody seemed to like him. I remember him coming up to during one of the rehearsals. We were watching April dance on stage and he leaned over to me and said something so incredibly ridiculous that if someone said it to me now, I would burst out laughing. He whispered, "I'd love to chew her up and spit her out." What an asshole. He's talking about my woman! Of course this is what my middle school mind is thinking. Not knowing any better, I give him a shove and tell him to shut up because she's a sweet girl and would never be into someone like him. I can just imagine how silly this looked, my high pre-pubescent voice yelling at this kid about how wonderful this love of my life is.

As soon as this ends, I run to Kevin and tell him the details, knowing that he would relay the details to Colleen and eventually April. I would be the knight in shining armor and she would swoon. Opening night came quickly. Opening night came and went and we all went out to celebrate at a local restaurant named Christos. It was a Greek restaurant and I distinctly remember this place not giving free refills on sodas. Their sodas were tiny too! Anyways, everybody ordered their too cool for school virgin strawberry daquiris while the parents had their cocktails in the next room. The real fun was going to come the next night. We only had two performances and my mother finally caved in and allowed me to host the cast party at our house. This was when the real magic occurred.

Saturday came and we broke down the set and said goodbye to the characters we had bonded with over the past couple of months. Never again would Adelaide (April) slap me in the face in front of hundreds of audience members, never again would we hear the worst redition of Luck Be A Lady known to man, never again would I be able to wear a baby blue blazer and a yellow shirt underneath accompanied by a brown fedora. We went to my house and this was where the fun began. Don't get me wrong, it's not like it was an orgy or anything... we were too young. We decided to take a Sprite bottle and play the game known by all: spin the bottle.

I remember we adapted some of the rules. The first time you spin to a person, you would kiss them on the cheek. The second time would be a kiss on the mouth. The third time would be a french kiss. Wow, we were so incredibly lame. We sat in a circle and spun. I'm not a believer in fate. I believe we create our own destiny by the choices we make throughout life. I also do not believe my friends rigged the game either. The only thing I do know is that everytime I spun the bottle, it landed on April. Everytime she spun it, it landed on me. She kissed me on the cheek. I kissed her on the lips. Then the third it spun around and landed on us, we had to stand up and walk away from the circle. We stood in the corner. I had seen enough tv and movies to know what to do. Our lips came closer and closer and we began to kiss. She caught me off guard as I felt her tongue in my mouth, but it was ok, like any pro, I adapted and held my own. The kiss meant something because we both had feelings for each other. So the kiss ended and we rejoined the circle. The bottle spun around and it kept landing on her and me. When it came time for us to kiss again, I was ready. Like a pro, I went in for the kill. I've been told by many a girls that I am a good kisser... I guess I am just a natural. What can I say? I am instinctive.

It was a great night. April and I started dating and our relationship lasted for what seemed like forever... 3 weeks. I went to her dances at St. Edwards. Kevin and I walked in there like a search and rescue team trying to find where our girls were. After one of the dances, she broke up with me. I intelligently got over her quickly and allowed her to move on with her life as I found a new girl. I wish that was true... but unfortunately, it is not. I did what any self respecting 12 year old did when he got dumped... I wrote a fucking poem telling her how much I loved her. I quoted "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith because that was our song. I quoted "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain because I wanted to "be her crying shoulder" and I wanted to "be the greatest fan of her life". I am shuddering at how ridiculous I was being at the time. But... it worked. She cried when she read it and came up to me and kissed me and we were back together! YES! Well, I guess we sort of just delayed the inevitable.

It was Valentine's Day 1999, and Kevin, Colleen, April, and I made plans to do something, a sort of double date type thing. I remember things being incredibly awkward between April and me. You know the guy who pulls the girl's pigtails in math class when he really just wants to kiss her? That was me. I gave her a stuffed wrinkly dog holding a heart that said, "I Wuf You". We all sat in my basement and I remember playing around with April's hairbrush. She asked for it. I tossed it to her. Innocent enough? Right? Wrong... the brush whacked her in the face. Anyways, Valentine's Day was bitter sweet. She left. Then on February 15th, she broke up with me.

This was sort of when it ended. Of course I tried to get her back but to no avail. Colleen went on to date a friend of mine from school named Chris. April dated some guy named John who was a year older than her, taller than her, thinner than me, and much more manly looking. Who knew she had such bad taste? Haha, anyways there may be more... much more to this story. But this is all I can really remember. I hope you enjoyed it and can somewhat relate to it.

GRAN TORINO * * *

2008-12-31T13:43:00.000-08:00

Clint Eastwood returns not only as director, but also as star in this character study of a racist elderly man who refuses to take shit from anybody. Dirty Harry? Not quite, but pretty damn close. Clint Eastwood is an extremely talented director, enough so that just his name being attached to a project instantly gives it Oscar buzz. Gran Torino is not as emotionally captivating as his previous films Mystic River or Million Dollar Baby. Eastwood touches something he has never touched in his films: comedy.

Gran Torino is no slapstick comedy that will make you roll on the floor laughing, but the character of Walt is such and old, miserable, biggot, you tend to chuckle at how he speaks to and about the minorities in his neighborhood. The writers must have had a racist thesaurus on hand because just when you think he cannot be more intolerant, he throws out a racial slur that makes you scratch your head in disbelief. Sure Walt is a biggot. Sure he's a racist. Sure he hates his sons because they are utter disappointments. But he finds a friend in a Korean boy, Thao, who tries to tries to steal his Gran Torino as a gang initiation. Soon he realizes that he may have more in common with the "zipperheads" next door than he does with his own flesh and blood. This is where the true fun comes along.

A Korean gang headed by Thao's cousin wants Thao to join. Family business kind of thing. Thao does not want anything to do with them. He finds more interest in fixing things and admiring Walt's tools. When they come to Thao's house to confront him, they stumble on the lawn of Walt who waits there with his shotgun and mutters, "Get off my lawn." Never in film history has an overused old timer line been delivered so perfectly and with such power. Clint, you rock!

Long story short, Walt tries to give Thao and his sister a new life, one that will not be controlled by this gang. How does he stop the gang? I do not want to tell you, because that's where the real poetry comes forth in the film.

The acting by the children was atrocious. The scenes where they just sat and talked with Walt were done very well, but the more emotional scenes that required outbursts of anger were chillingly bad. Oh well, Clint Eastwood saves the show because he embodies Walt. It makes you cherish how great he has been to the film world and how little time we have left with him. At 78 years old, he released two films this year, both of which he directed. He is going strong and still making some of the best movies released today. Gran Torino is far from one of this year's best films, but it is worth a look, even just for Eastwood's performance.

DOUBT * *

2008-12-31T13:09:00.000-08:00

Some plays just are not meant to be brought to the big screen. At the very least, they should be re-written so that to take advantage of what the medium of film can express that the stage does not allow. Doubt is a Pulitzer Prize winning play written by John Patrick Shanley that focuses on two nuns' accusations against a priest for an inappropriate relationship with a school altar boy. Meryl Streep plays Sister Aloysius, the principal of St. Nicholas school that all children fear. She takes her job seriously, mainly because of what she has seen in her life and the cynicism that has brought her. Amy Adams plays Sister James, the innocent, bright eyed and bushy tailed eighth grade teacher who brings the initial concerns to Aloysius. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays Father Flynn, a young charismatic Priest interested in making the church a more family friendly atmosphere.

The three actors are magnificent in their performances. The performances at some points blur the line between acting and plain old reacting. But this review is not about the acting. I'm pretty sure we all expected a movie with three of today's best actors to be an A+ in acting. They did not disappoint.

John Patrick Shanley should not have adapted his play into the screenplay for this movie. Nor should he have directed it. Budgeted at $25 million, I cannot seem to figure out where that money went. The film has mainly four sets, the actors cost money, and that's it. Unless there were some random CGI effects I missed, this film seemed like an utter misuse of money. A second set of eyes should have stepped in and re-written this play so that it would be expressed better on screen. Doubt is also Shanley's first film he has directed since 1990s Joe Versus the Volcano. Shanley uses odd, misplaced Dutch angles (when the camera is off balance) in random places and they come across as distracting and unnecessary. I remember the first time I noticed a Dutch angles was in Brian de Palma's Mission Impossible. The scene was when Tom Cruise was being questioned in a restaurant by his boss and the tension seemed to build and build and build. This was a great use of Dutch angles. John Patrick Shanley has made me hate Dutch angles now.

Unfortunately, the acting was not good enough in this film for me to recommend it to another person to view. The final scene seemed almost laughable and the final camera shot made me shake my head in disbelief. I'm sure this was a wonderful play, but shanley failed to transform it into a great film.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

2008-12-23T11:46:00.001-08:00

*...*...*...*...*

When you go to the movies, you make an investment. You invest financially by paying the astronomical price to sit in theatres' uncomfortable seats and have the privilege of being able to buy their food. You invest your time, which otherwise could be used embarking on productive endeavors. With a running time of 166 minutes, Benjamin Button forces you to invest a lot of your time. Most importantly, you invest yourself. You bring to the table all of your pre-conceived notions, your ideological beliefs, your baggage. Sometimes, it is a risky investment to make. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button returns on that investment ten fold.

Benjamin Button is a treasure. David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club, Zodiac) directs the shit out of this material. David Fincher once said:

"Directing ain't about drawing a neat little picture and
showing it to the cameraman. The fact is, you do not know
what directing is until the sun is setting and you've got to
get five shots and you are only going to get two."

Shot completely digitally (sorry to all of you film nostalgics), Fincher uses a new form of computer generated imagery that allows Brad Pitt to play Benjamin Button from the beginning right through the very end. The movie was crystal clear and lacked the grit that people have grown to love about film, but I really found myself not caring one bit. I only cared about where Benjamin was going next. What did his journey entail? When and where does it end?

Benjamin Button is much like the character of Forrest Gump and his journey reflects that of Gump's as well. That's probably because Eric Roth was responsible for both screenplays. Benjamin meets a wacky cast of characters and falls in love. He grows old while growing young. He experiences happiness all while seeing tragedy and death surround him.

I love that teaser trailer because it expresses how visually stunning the images are in Benjamin Button. The performances are wonderful starting with Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett and ending with the supporting cast. I believe this movie will last the test of time. David Fincher has made the film that I believe will define his career and put him on the list as one of the most talented working directors in Hollywood. He is moving the art of film making into the digital age and making sure that nobody can tell the difference.

It is really hard for me to write an eloquent review for this movie because it is difficult to describe the journey. I implore you to go on this journey.

The "A Christmas Story" & "It's A Wonderful Life" Memorial TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES/SPECIALS

2008-12-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

Around the holidays, many of us love to sit down and watch some of the movies and television specials we grew up with to remind us why we love Christmas so much. For those of you who do not spend time re-visiting these Christmas gems, then you better make an appointment with your soul because chances are you have not been in touch lately. I have always been a sucker for Christmas, the secular version rather than religious. Because of my love of the season, the following is a list of my favorite 10 movies and specials. Most lists include It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story as their top two... which is why I am giving them the respect they deserve. This list is dedicated to those two movies and thus will not be listed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer & Frosty the Snowman: For some reason, I just do not feel the need to add these to my list either. We all know how important these specials are and how good they are, but they do not fall under my favorites.

# 10 Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too.

Sure, the story is weak and the conflict is convoluted. The characters are simple with no real arc. Who cares? You tell me there is a pooh bear dressed as Santa Claus and I am there in a heartbeat. Oh, bother.

#9 Pinky and the Brain.

I grew up with Animaniacs. Rarely do spin-off shows work but Pinky and the Brain was the exception to the rule. Two mice trying to take over the world is one thing, but using Santa Claus as a way of doing it... genius. It's funny, socially conscious, indulges in adult humor, and also has a touching ending that will will touch your heart.

#8 The Muppet Christmas Carol.

We all love the Muppets. Michael Caine plays a very convincing Scrooge but the real fun in watching this classic is seeing which Muppet will be cast in which role. Gonzo is a wonderful narrator. The best song is by far "Marley and Marley" sung by Statler and Waldorf. It's silly, it's ridiculous, but most importantly, it is a catchy song. Be prepared for the Ghost of Christmas Past. She is a very creepy looking, tiny Muppet. Shudder.

#7 The Santa Clause.

Premise: A divorced father named Scott takes his son home on Christmas Eve where he accidentally frightens Santa Claus enough for him to slip and fall off the roof to his death. Due to a legal Clause, Scott magically becomes Santa. the premise alone is good. But add Tim Allen and I am completely sold. What can I say? I'm a sucked for Home Improvement. This really is a fun Disney Christmas movie.

#6 Mickey's Christmas Carol.
The story of Scrooge wrapped up in less than 30 minutes with Disney characters playing the roles written by Dicken's. My favorite part is the opening credit sequence and the song that accompanies.

#5 Home Alone & Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

I love both of them. They work great as a double feature. Home Alone makes me laugh hysterically and used to frighten me as child due to the creepy score by John Williams. I watched Home Alone 2 recently and found myself watering up with tears. Ok, that's a lie... I may as well have been sobbing. New York plays such a great part in 2 along with the cast that includes Tim Curry and Rob Schneider. Same gags, different place, same heart. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern rock!

#4 National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

I think that just speaks for itself.

#3 A Flintstones Christmas Carol.
Bedrock is putting on a production of A Christmas Carol and Fred is playing Scrooge. The stardom has gone to his head and he has been a real pain in the ass for everyone surrounding him... especially Wilma.

#3 Garfield's Christmas.
Sigh. Now I know I put Flintstones at #3. The truth is I made it down this list and completely forgot about Garfield. I love Garfield and the Christmas special is awesome. It is heart warming and filled with thew Garfield sarcasm I have loved since I was a young child. That lasagna loving cat is okay in my book. So there are two #3's... deal with it.

#2 A Charlie Brown Christmas.

I feel a certain closeness with character of Charlie Brown having played him onstage in high school. But I think everyone adores this Snoopy classic from beginning to end. We hum "Christmas time is here..." all while never forgetting that haunting image of the Christmas tree Chuck brings to his friends. Sigh, good grief.

#1 SCROOGED.
This is my favorite Christmas Carol adaptation and my favorite overall Christmas movie. Richard Donner directs this modern day vision. Bill Murray plays a network television executive and it plays perfectly for the role of Scrooge. Everything about this movie works. It is self aware, but not too self aware. Murray is at his best with his sarcastic wit, physical comedy, and endearing arc.

The end will make you want to sing "Put a little love in your heart" along with the rest of the cast after a long monologue by Murray that seems more improvised than it does written. Karen Allen, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Robert Mitchum add to the hilarity of this off color Christmas classic.

If you have not seen Scrooged... make it a must see before the 25th of December. Bill Murray calls the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come a pussy... how do you get any better than that?

FROST / NIXON * * *

2008-12-16T22:46:00.000-08:00

Ron Howard directs the silver screen adaptation of Peter Morgan's stage play that revolves around a series of interviews between British talk show host David Frost and recently resigned President of the United States Richard Nixon in 1977. The film stars Frank Langella as the infamous Tricky Dick and he encompasses the role spectacularly. Michael Sheen sits opposite as the charismatic, but near bankrupt talk show host named David Frost. In a desperate move to gain attention and ratings, he offers Richard Nixon a staggering amount of money for the first exclusive interview. Nixon accepts. The lead performances are engaging and the supporting roles filled by Oliver Platt, Sam Rockwell, and Kevin Bacon are equally fulfilling.

So what is the problem?

During an interview with Ron Howard, he stated that the real dramatic inspiration came from watching the actual tapes of the interviews. So, if the drama exists in the tapes, why am I watching it be recreated, interpreted, and manipulated? History speaks for itself.

If you do not mind historically innaccurate films then I expect you will enjoy Frost / Nixon immensely. However, I sat through the two hour film wondering what the point was. What does this film try to achieve? It tries to portray David Frost as a hard hitting journalist while also contradicting itself by informing us that he only cares about interviewing Nixon to advance his own career. Maybe this film was a way of indicting Richard Nixon. Unfortunately, this film is completely historically innaccurate. I cannot forgive that. I am unable.

The film has the interviews taking place over seven days. The truth is, the interviews only took two days. Any and all conversations that take place between Nixon and Frost in the film are completely and utterly fiction. A pivotal turning point in film occurs when Richard nixon calls David Frost in the middle of the night before their final interview. He goes on a tirade and erupts in anger and hatred and resentment. It is frightening, yet inspiring at the same time. Unfortunately... that phone call never took place.

Even some of the most interesting lines delivered by Langella become a bit ridiculous as he yells, "I'M SAYING THAT WHEN THE PRESIDENT DOES IT MEANS IT'S NOT ILLEGAL!" We've all seen the trailer and that statement is an anchor in the trailer and also in the film. In the film that begins the downfall of nixon during these interviews. For all of you interested in how Richard Nixon actually dictated those words:

Frost / Nixon is in no way a bad film. Ron Howard gets the feel of the 70s with his camera style and editing. The acting is great. The writing is superbly crisp. I have no problem with movies rewriting history. Remember the movie Dick? Yes, the one with Will Ferrell, Kirsten Dunst, and Dan Hedaya as Richard Nixon. I have no problem with a movie re-writing history. I do however have a problem with a movie taking an oscure moment in American history and exploiting audiences' lack of knowledge on the subject. Producers, writers, and directors have every right to manipulate history to fit their narrative needs... but do not expect me to reward you for it.

Frank Langella deserves an Oscar nomination for his performance. The screenplay deserves a nomination for its dialogue alone. However, Frost / Nixon is not one of the best pictures of the year. In my opinion, it is far from it.

Always Free To Choose, Never Free Enough To Find

2008-12-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

As many of you may or may not know, FX's gritty corrupt cop drama The Shield had its curtain call on November 25th, 2008 after seven seasons. The series finale was gripping, heartbreaking, and most importantly, gave fans of The Shield closure. After the series ended, I felt the immediate need to re-watch the entire series. I wanted to re-live the rise and fall of Vic Mackey and Shane Vendrell, the incredible detective cases tackled by Dutch and Claudette, and the suspense created by writer/creator/director Shawn Ryan.

Series finales are very important for television programs. When The Sopranos ended, I felt the need to re-visit the series and knowing how Tony Soprano's journey was going to end gave each storyline an added importance. The same is with The Shield. As of now, I just finished Season 2. Here are the final moments of the Season 2 Finale of The Shield:

This blog post was not supposed to be about The Shield but more about Live's Overcome, which is played underneath the powerful images that close the second season of The Shield. I had never heard the song prior to this, or at least had not remembered it. All I know is that it truly affected me. I am not sure if the lyrics speak to me, if the piano chords tug on the right string in my heart, or if the vocals of Ed Kowalczyk travel through my ears in just the right way.

The chorus plays simply as "I am overcome" over and over. Those three words are very powerful and meaningful. Honestly, I think they could mean many different things to any individual and after doing a brief Google search, I found that this song was used excessively in September 11th montage videos showcasing the rescue workers who responded to the scene at the World Trade Center. The footage is powerful enough but the music adds an extra level of chills throughout your body.

Personally, I listened and started to think that everybody has felt overcome at some point in their life. When you succeed, you are overcome with pride. When a loved one dies, you are overcome with grief. When you fall in love, you are overcome with adoration. When your heart is broken, you are overcome with pain. At any point, you can be overcome by something.

As I write this, I cannot think of one particular thing I am overcome with. I have plenty of dreams. I have an abundance of laughs. I have a wealth of friends, many of whom I did not truly appreciate fully until recently. With those abundances, I also have pain. A plethora of hurt and anxiety. I have heaps of doubt. But, what am I truly overcome with?

I am overcome with questions. Where can I go from here? Which direction do I want to go? I titled this entry with a line from the song, "Always free to choose, never free enough to find." I found these lyrics especially engaging and hypnotic. After deconstructing the song in my head, I felt the closest connection with those lyrics. We have all been told at some point in our lives that we are free to choose. If you are religious, you are taught that God gave you free-will. As an American, I've always been educated about my freedom of choice. But why do we really choose?

Every choice I make is to find something. I think it is safe to say that we all want to find happiness in our lives. Some people strive to find it, and never succeed. Some people find it without searching at all. I have made thousands of choices in my life. Some have been simplistic and others have been monumental. Life is full of choices. It becomes exhausting. I weigh my options and make a decision and hope that it was the right one. But how do you really know it's the right decision?

Our lives are like those novels with the multiple endings we used to read as kids. The main character would come to a fork in the road. "If you want to go left, turn to page 32. If you want to turn right go to page 54." I remember reading those books and going back and changing the decisions I made. I would go left, I would read on and finish my journey. Curious as to how different my journey would be, I would backtrack and turn right at the road. Ultimately, I would choose whichever ending I liked the best. Unfortunately, life does not give us that luxury of choosing our ending. I am reminiscent of many of the good and bad choices I have made in my life and how they shaped the person I am today and where I am in my life.

I have made horrible choices in my life. I am not proud of them. I have broken people's hearts. I have burned bridges. I have taken advantage of other people's trust. I have lost friends. I have lied and I have cheated. I have learned from my mistakes as much as one can. I look back with immense regret and wonder: if I made the other choice, where would I be? I do not know. I am not free enough to find that truth. I am not free to find happiness. I am not free to find love. I am not free to find success. I am not free to find meaning in it all. I am only free to make the choices I think will lead me in the right direction.

I am overcome with the weight of my past choices on my shoulders. I feel it pushing down on me every waking moment. Though I have my regrets and they are plentiful, I know that I am who I am right now because of the lessons I learned from those choices. Sometimes I wish I could take the other journey as well, make the better choice, and see if I would turn out the same. I will never know. I guess I just need to keep making these choices and hoping they lead me to find something, someday, that will give this whole thing, this whole adventure we call life, some sort of meaning and significance that makes me look back with nostalgia instead of disappointment. I am half smiling as I finish writing this, because I know that it is not really a question of IF I will find it, but rather, WHEN.

THE WRESTLER * * * * *

2008-12-06T08:16:00.001-08:00

It truly is a rare occurrence in today’s age of big budget blockbusters that a small film with a modest budget comes along and succeeds admirably with a perfect harmony between its precise direction and remarkable performances. Darren Aronofsky’s fourth feature length film is a triumph in every sense of the word. Featuring a career defining performance by Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler pushes its audience to the limit. The film forces us to raise our threshold of pain with every bump Randy “The Ram” Robinson takes in the ring and outside of it. The story is so inspiring, but at times so extremely tragic that the audience must emotionally commit itself until the final frame. It is not until the credits roll and the music of Bruce Springsteen plays that you truly feel the anguish and release.

The Wrestler is a character study that focuses on a professional wrestler named Randy “The Ram” Robinson. The Ram was the biggest thing in the 1980s, but now twenty years later is forced to stock grocery store shelves for ends meat while headlining high school gymnasiums on the weekends. He pushes his body to the limit with the excessive use of steroids to keep his body looking good and pain killers to make sure his body feels good. After suffering a heart attack, he is told by his doctors to never wrestle again. He decides to confide in a stripper named Cassidy, played so understatedly by Marisa Tomei. He also decides to look up his estranged daughter Stephanie portrayed exquisitely by Evan Rachel Wood. Wood’s scenes, though very few, leave an emotionally charged lasting impression.

The script is finely tuned and subtly shows the parallels in Randy’s and Cassidy’s lives. Randy is older and desperately tries to grasp to his glory days when the reality is he is far past his prime. His body is worn out. He wears hearing aids due to the damage he has taken in the ring. He highlights his long hair to achieve that 80s rock star look. He sits in a tanning bed to make sure his body has a healthy glow while he is in the ring. Meanwhile, Cassidy works her club desperately trying to get the attention of the men there but she realizes, much like Randy, she needs to work harder to do so. She too is past her prime and the paying customers are sure to remind her of that. The torture these two characters feel is what draws them to each other. They become mirror images as they both try to achieve the same goal.

Rourke’s performance is hard to put into words. He transforms into this character so well that it supersedes the art of acting. His instinctive choices are perfectly crafted. He is pitiful enough so that we empathize. But then he is charismatic enough so that we admire. The script and his performance brings the audience on this roller coaster for two hours, not knowing when or how it will end.

Aronofsky could not have portrayed The Wrestler any better. The camera acts as a witness to the rise and fall. His style is reminiscent of Martin Scorsese and the style in which the wrestling matches are filmed look to be a subconscious homage to Raging Bull. Aronofsky does not seem to be half as worried about how his shots are framed as he is on capturing his actors’ performances. He allows the camera to linger. He allows it to follow Randy with no edits through the back rooms of the grocery store, following his journey to a destructive life of normalcy while the sound in the background pays tribute to the stardom he once enjoyed. In a time where the word masterpiece is thrown around too often, The Wrestler is a tour de force. It will leave a lasting emotional impression on you through the end credits and for days to come. It will leave you speechless.

Why We Care So Much

2008-10-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

When I was at work last week I got into a conversation with a coworker about being a sports fan. As the Phillie's fans swung their terrible towels in unison, she couldn't help but be a bit disturbed at the idea of a mob of people being that passionate over a silly thing like baseball. Why does it mean so much to people. As a Red Sox fan, I live and die along with the Fenway faithful. You see, what many cannot comprehend is that the love for one's team goes much deeper.

To many people, baseball is more than a game. Nothing gives me bigger chills than walking through the tunnel and seeing the beautiful green field inside the cathedral that is Fenway Park. Knowing you are inside a building that after 100 years of standing, still has a charm and everlasting beauty to it. Baseball can mean the times you actually got to spend time with your father and share a common interest. Baseball brings generations together. I went to a Red Sox/Blue Jays game a few years back and David Wells was pitching. I sat next to an 79 year old woman. Initially, I thought this could be a detrement to my good time. Of course cursing would have to be kept a minimum, but as the game got further anf further out of reach for the Sox, we got to talking. As she adorably shared her bag of peanuts, she told me she was at Fenway Park 60 years ago and saw Ted Williams hit a hard liner off the wall in left field. She continued comparing his stance to that of Kevin Youkilis.

A year later, I walked into a dive bar on Tremont street called the Tam. I sat down and watched Josh Beckett pitch a gem all while meeting a man who was in his 70s. We talked about our lives and I'll never forget these words. "Make sure you finish college," he said, "So you're not working when you are my age."

My point is that being a fan of something can bring people together. You can walk down a Boston street and see a sea of Red Sox hats and believe me, if you ask them what the score is, they know. Now living in Los Angeles, it is a much different atmosphere. Los Angeles is all about setting yourself apart from the crowd. There is not much of a community feeling that I felt living in Brookline last year. It was 10 o'clock at night in September and I came out of the Coolidge Corner Movie Theatre. I passed a bar that was filled to capacity. I asked what the score was. I got the answer... "Buchholz has a no hitter going." History was made.

Being a fan of a sports team is about community. It's about feeling like you are a part of something special. In a way, the money I spend helps pay the salaries of the players taking the field. I've got my money and my heart invested in these men that have the power to make people weep in agony or cry tears of joy.

In 2004, the Red Sox won the World Series after 86 years of torture and torment. I get chills to this day when I think of Joe Buck saying, "Foulke to the set, the 1-0 pitch, here it is...swing and a ground ball, stabbed by Foulke. He has it. He underhands to first. And the Boston Red Sox are the World Champions. For the first time in 86 years, the Red Sox have won baseball's world championship. Can you believe it?" The truth is, I couldn't

Being a sports fan is an emotional rollercoaster. After the 04 Series, there were hundreds of human interest stories about people going to loved ones' graves and laying flowers, or World Series shirts and hats. To think that many people were born and then died without experiencing their team winning just breaks my heart. I feel privileged that I experienced it at such a young age... but also at an old enough age to appreciate it's significance and understand the pain of losing.

It's a bond you share. It's the pain you endure. It's the joy you celebrate. It's the tears you shed. It's the hair you pull out. It's the love of the game. The love of the players. The love of competing. It's the hope of victory. That's why I love my team.

My SECOND Charlie Brown Story

2008-10-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

To see my first Charlie Brown Story, please go back to June.

In light of the Halloween season upon, I have decided to share my Charlie Brown story. Many of my friends have heard it multiple times and are sick of it. I figured it's time to see if it is as good written as it is spoken.

It was Halloween 2006. Maybe not exactly October 31st, but it was the weekend that college kids decide to dress up, drink, and do all kinds of crazy shenanigans. I've never been the biggest fan of Halloween. I thought dressing up was a waste of time and money. The previous two Halloweens, I had a girlfriend so I didn't need to go out and drink and party to meet girls. Now this was my first college Halloween being single. I didn't want to go out but I figured I would be persuaded.

I was living in Myles Standish in Kenmore Square. A large group of girls (friends... nothing more... trust me, I tried) were dressed up in their slutty best and pre-gaming before going out. My friend Stacy was dressed up as a pirate and had a bottle of Captain Morgans she wanted to walk around with. The only problem was that her bottle was full and she wanted to walk around with the bottle mixed with coke. I stopped by to say hello before I went to dinner and she offered me a drink. I could not turn down a refreshing Captain and Diet Coke. Let's just say, I never made it to dinner. As soon as I finished the first drink, Stacy had another one ready for me. She kept telling me to hurry up and drink it. I felt obliged. I mean, she was giving me free drinks, the least I could do was drink them at her pace, right?

Three drinks later and with no dinner, I was feeling gooood. I had a fourth drink and everybody told me to come out with them that night. I really didn't want to but they convinced me. There was one problem though. The party they got invited to was invitation only (not a real paper invitation, that would be too classy for college students). They already filled up the 6 spots. Sasha told me they would go to the party, then call me after they double check if it's ok. So now I'm thinking, "Great, now I need to sit around and wait for these girls?" In comes the token gay guy on our floor, Mark. He was dressed as, who'd have guessed it, Ken. Barbie's Ken. He says I can tag along with him, he is going to a party in Allston. I accepted the offer but didn't have a costume.

I scrambled through my closet and the best I could do was a referee shirt. But then I saw it, it was staring back at me almost like we were meant to be... like we had met eachother before. It was my Charlie Brown shirt. I threw the Charlie Brown shirt on, brsuehd my teeth, sprayed some cologne, and tried to look as sexy as Charlie Brown could possibly look. I do this all of course while having my fifth drink.

I jump on the B train going down Commonwealth Ave. Mark sees some of his friends and I feel kind of like an outsider, but that was fine, I was drunk and I didn't care what they had to say anyways. We get off the train in Allston and walk to the house. We walk up to the third floor to the girls' apartment. We are greeted by Wonder Woman, Marilyn Monroe, and some other kinky outfitted girl. As soon as the girls see me they almost in unison say, "Awwwww, Charlie Brown."

We move to the kitchen to have a beer. What a classy selection to choose from: Keystone Light or Natural Light? Hmmmm... I chose the Keystone and a jello shot. The girls come into the kitchen having a fit. I asked them what was wrong and they told me that they spent so much money on booze and they expected people to fork over some money to cover it but nobody was doing so. I am so drunk at this point that I am so confident with myself. With a winking smile I say, "I'll take care of this."

I walk into the other room and make an announcement. Because most of these idiots were freshman, they were giving me so much money I could barely hold it. I grabbed Indiana Jones' hat and put all of the money inside. The freshman were so apologetic as they threw their money into the hat. "I'm so sorry, thank you for having us, don't make us leave." I walked back into the kitchen with a hat of money and you would have thought I had cured cancer. The girls went nuts. "Thank you Charlie Brown." "You're so sweet." Marilyn, who was undoubtedly very attractive... fuck it.. she was drop dead gorgeous. She whispers, "Come into the other room with us and do a shot." I couldn't say no.

We go into the bedroom, the four of us, and they pour four shots of the cheapest vodka you could ever find in a liquor store. I mean, I use this stuff to get paint off. Salute! I downed the first shot. In comes Mark and he exclaims, "I can't believe you did a shot without me." I slurringly respond, "Heeey, I willll doo onne with you." Shot #2 goes down much easier than #1. Then some strange girl walks in and complains that we are doing shots without her. Of course, I say, "Llets dddoo anoth jfker sssshot." Shot #3 down. No turning back.

We go back to the kitchen and I am talking to Marilyn Monroe. I can't remember what about. You know that level of drunk where you find yourself really trying hard tpo focus. This was that. Mark comes over to me and says he is leaving. Party's over for me I guess. I tell her I need to go and she grabs my hand ever so gently and says, "Awww, I was hoping you would stay until everyone else left."

Time stood still for just a moment. I couldn't be mistaking this could I? She is blatantly asking me to stay over right? So I go to catch up with Mark to tell him I am staying. I tell Marilyn, I will be right back. I walk out of their apartment and in the hallway, I feel a tickle in my throat. I start to gag and I vomit... but only a little. Remember, I haven't had anything to eat for at least 12 hours. So it's mostly liquid. As I gain my composure, I see one guy staring at me. He tries to get his friend's attention. "Dude, Charlie Brown is puking out here." His friend responds, "That's fucked up."

I get outside. Mark is gone. Marilyn is back up those stairs. What do I do? Well, the next thing I remember is waking up. I woke up and I was on a bench outside of the 2nd largest dorm on Boston University's campus. I don't know how I got there. I don't know how I passed out. I look up and see a guy standing above me. Luckily he was a student. He was on the phone with his friend, "I'll be up in a minute dude... I just ran into Charlie Brown and he doesn't look too good." I then sat up and realized that I was all wet. It was raining! So now in my head I realize that hundreds of students have been walking in and out of their dorm and they've been seeing Charlie Brown... passed out... in the rain! Jesus Christ.

Now I go into panic mode. I live about a mile away. No way I could walk it. Plus I was shivering from being so cold. I walk out onto Comm. Ave and see the crowd that is trying to catch a cab. I have no idea what time it is. I just need to get home. A cab pulls over and I bolt towards it... I ran as fast as I could and made it inside. I shut the door and almost as a reflex gave the guy my address.

I'm sitting in the cab, wet, cold, nauseous, and notice a green stain on my shirt. Probably the jello shot. I notice the cab driver is going a real roundabout way but I'm too drunk to protest. Suddenly, that throat tickle comes back. I start to vomit in the cab. Just a little and only liquid because I hadn't had any food. The cab driver notices something is awry and pulls over. He turns his light on and looks in his mirror. "Are you puking back there?!" I immediately respond, "No... No... it's just water from the rain..." As I say this i'm wiping down the mess I made with nothing but, my hand.

He drops me off in front of my building and I start practicing swiping my access card to get in. I walk in, swipe my ID, perfect. "Wait a minute," the guard exclaims. That's it. I've been caught. Game over. I'm screwed. "Let me take a look at that picture." He was confused because I wasn't wearing glasses in my photo but was wearing glasses that night. Great, no problem. I go upstairs and spend about 3 minutes trying to get my key to work.

I stumble into my bedroom and immediately start taking off my clothes. As I pull off my shirt, it gets stuck at my head, and I lose my balance and fall. As I fall, my face slams against the edge of my bathroom door. There I sit for a minute before I grab the door knob and pull myself up high enough to reach the sick and purge whatever is left inside my stomach down the drain. I jump into bed and pass out only to wake up the next day with a bruise on my face and a hang over that lasted until 10 pm. My friend Sasha sat at my bedside the next day and fed me an animal cracker. She said, "Now Garytt. You know now that you shouldn't drink this much right?" I respond, "Yes, Sasha. I feel like shit." She retorts, "No, it has nothing to do with the hangover. It's because you missed an opportunity to fuck Marilyn Monroe."

Funny Addition:
When I told this story to my family, I got to the point when Marilyn Monroe asks me to stay until everyone else left. My family, as did everybody erupted at the quote. My mother, however, responded, "Well, maybe it's all for the best because you probably wouldn't have been able to perform." This comment, of course, silenced my family.

Though We Change... We Remain The Same

2008-09-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

"And so we'll argue and we'll compromise
And realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our separate conclusions are the same"
- Billy Joel

How much can a person change? I like to think a lot. I only think this because this morning I was given a reminder of who and what I used to be. I used to be so concerned about what people thought of me that not only was I dishonest with them, but I was dishonest with myself. I worked so hard to please other people, that I never really sat back and thought about what made me happy.

Sometimes when you're living your life you don't realize something is wrong until the ground you're standing on shakes a little bit. Since that shake years ago, I am a different person. I like to think I'm more self reflective than I ever was before. I am always trying to better myself from as many angles as I can. Instead of holding things in, I try to express them, sometimes through jokes, sometimes just flat out saying them.

The thing is, I now feel that life is too short to hold grudges and store resentment. I would much rather take care of the problem or cut a person loose. I feel that life is too short to surround myself with fairweather friends or casual acquaintances. I think of my friends like family.

Though my outlook on life has changed, much has remained the same. I still don't feel 100% comfortable with myself sometimes and am constantly wondering what kind of impression I make on people. I think I am funnier than I used to be because I've learned to laugh at what used to hurt.

I still look back on the past and question the choices and mistakes I made. I'll never forgive myself for some of the things I've done. But I've learned to live with the choices I've made and pay the price for them. I've learned to try and move on. I like to think I have moved on. I say that, but at the same time I reminisce and wish things were different now. I wish you were here with me or I with you. Having a partner in crime is much better than having a mob.

Though time helps heel open wounds, there is always that scar to look at to remind you...

Bumper Stickers and Why I Hate Them

2008-08-31T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have always hated bumper stickers. I think they are incredibly tacky. They cannot be removed without damaging the paint on your car. And most people put them on crooked. I do, however, like glass decals that can be removed with a little help of a razor blade. Those look much more classy in the world of automobile decorations.

Seriously, have you driven behind someone and judged them by the bumper sticker they have on their car? I do all the time. For example, I love seeing "Kerry/Edwards 2004" bumper stickers. Firstly, it's just sad that here we are trying to find our next President and this asshole still has the losing candidate of the last election stuck on his car. Secondly, it just shows that this person has had that particular car for at least 4-5 years.

With Barack Obama running for President, I am swarmed by "Obama Hope" stickers or a personal favorite that made me chuckle out loud "Barack to the Future" in the Back to the Future font. I understand showing your support but do these people actually believe that by putting a fucking sticker on the back of their ugly Toyota Prius that someone driving behind them is going to be so inspired by the sticker that they will in turn vote for Barack Obama? I get douche chills just thinking about it.

So, lesson number one is to not put bumper stickers on your car that will become dated. You want your favorite sports' team's logo? That's ok, because hopefully if you are not a bandwagon, disingenuous, fair weather fan you will be a fan of that team forever. But I encourage you to get the glass decal, it is much sleeker.

Onto the real crazies. People who put their religious beliefs on bumper stickers make me want to vomit. My grandmother is one of the most religious people I know. She goes to church 3-4 days a week to thank God for keeping my grandfather alive. She believes that it is God's doing that he is alive. If I was their doctor I would be so pissed at the fact that I'm not getting any credit. I mean it could be God keeping him alive. Or it could be the 20 pills he takes a day, a fake heart, dialysis, extreme advances in medicine, or dare I say luck.

I've seen bumper stickers that tell me not to get abortions. They tell me marriage is between a man and woman. But my favorite was this, "Dear God, Thank you for being God so I can just relax. Love, Me." Are you fucking kidding me?! I am not against being religious. I personally am not. I wish I was sometimes because I think it would help give me strength at times of weakness. But honestly, not have to worry? I'm sure God is paying your mortgage, pumping your gas, feeding your kids, walking your dog, keeping your loved ones alive, making it bright and sunny on the day you are having a cookout, getting you into the right college, paying off your student loans, giving you health insurance, making sure you don't have cavities, preventing your lover from cheating on you, and keeping Iran from blowing our asses from here to Pluto (which I refuse to denounce as a planet... it's still a planet to me damnit...)

I understand believing in a higher power but come on. That bumper sticker made me dizzy when I read it over and over in bumper to bumper traffic. It confused me. It made me laugh. It made me angry. The only thing that kept me from getting out of my car and slapping some sense into the person was the fact that I am a sensible human being. It had nothing to do with God.